You Can't Do Nothing Right

It was a rough weekend.  Saturday my mom was mean to me.  I looked at the side effects of the Cipro that was prescribed to clear her infection.  Hallucinations.  Aggitation.  Insomnia.  My mom had all 3 and on Saturday she was in a wild state of mind.

My mom was hallucinating that she had coversations with me or some other hallucination.  She was mad at me because of her hallucination.  I was being blamed for a figment of her imagination.

How could I win?

I cried.  I sobbed.  Saturday sucked.  I felt trapped and isolated.  Depression was not too far away from taking a grip on my soul.  I didn't even feel like weeding my garden, something that usually brings me joy.  But, I forced myself to get out in the sun and in my garden.  Pulling weeds, listening to the birds and watching the cats race toward each other at full speed then jump and do a chest bump, restored a bit of peace within.

We rode it out.

Yesterday was a pretty good day.  My mom was hallucinating but she was laughing and enjoying her visitors. She was able to fold her own laundry and even watched the Red Sox play baseball.  I had time to work in the yard.  I pulled weeds and it felt great.

Everything was great until I gave my mom her last Cipro.  I tucked her in and was ready to retire for the day too.  I was tired.

I heard foot steps, my mom's steps so I ran upstairs to check on her.  She was standing in my MIL's doorway, talking to her.  My mom looked at me and yelled.  She was upset about something, "How can you hold back on me?  Why aren't you telling me?!"  she yelled.

My MIL and I just stared.  It was weird.  Then my mom said, "Oh, you can't do nothing right, get out of my face.  I can't stand the sight of you!"

Frozen in shock, I said nothing.  I attempted to get her to go to bed.  She pulled her arm away as she said, "Don't touch me!"

I wanted to cry.

I didn't cry.  I was too pissed off that my mother was insulting me.  I told her that it is unacceptable for her to speak with me the way that she did.  I told her that I was ready to call 911 to have the ambulance take her to a psych ward because I did not deserve the abuse and will not stand for it.  My mom then said to me, "Wow, you are strong.  Where did you get your strength?"

My mom, she expected me to cry.  She was tearing me down in front of my MIL in order to make herself feel better.

Last night I realized that my mom has torn me down with words for as long as I can remember.  My husband noticed it when he first started dating me, that my mom always tore me down in front of others.  She wouldn't lift me up and say, "Oh, you did a great job!"  Instead she would tell me that I could do better.  No wonder I am an over achiever in everything that I do.  I have been looking for her approval my entire life!  I looked for approval from my siblings too but never got it.  I lived my life based on a belief, that if I could do things really well, then maybe my family would love me.  It seems to have had the opposite affect, my family seems to resent me for all that I am able to do... especially taking care of Ma.  Now, I don't see any of them.

When my mom yelled those words at me, "You can't do nothing right!", my life flashed before my eyes and I finally understood that all I ever wanted was for my family to hear me.  To date, no one hears me, no one listens and no one cares about anything except those things that benefit themselves.  I wish I had this epiphany years ago, I'd more than likely have saved the trouble of trying to win my family over by over extending myself.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't sad for losing my family.  I am saddened, mostly because it is a lifelong belief that has been discredited.  However, when my mom finally does get on that bus to heaven, I'll have peace.

In my future, I enjoy my new life with my husband.  Finally, I have a family that hears me and loves me for who I am.