Dementia and Losing Control

What I am learning about my mom and my crying is that it's all about control.  My mom can still control when I cry.  She has mastered this fine skill over the last 49 years.  My mom could always bring me to tears and now that she's demented, she does it with zest.

Why?  Because it's one of the few things in life that my mom can still control.

She can't operate the TV Remote by herself, she can't see the numbers or forgets what to do with it or how to hold the remote.  She can't cook any more, not alone.  All tasks that she once could do easily are now a challenge.  She is not able to learn new things.  At least she's finding her words more these days... could it be the coconut oil?

However, yesterday while preparing dinner, I realized that there's one thing she figured out that she could still control... ME and my tears!  Yesterday, she appeared gleeful when I busted out crying.  To see me crying all day made her have a Mona Lisa smile, one of pure satisfaction.  Talk about narcissistic behavior, this was classic.

I read today that folks with dementia will often feel agitated and get aggressive when they realize that they can't hide their inabilities and eventually lose control of everything in their lives, everything that made their identity.

Losing the ability to drive was and still is the sore spot for my mom.  Driving was her identity, it's all that she did and she loved it.  When she became demented all of a sudden one day, she would drive around for hours looking for our house.  Driving by the house several times before realizing that she found her way home;  a navigation system was useless.  It was a sad day for her when she gave up driving.

I did fight with her over driving.  I had to, she was a hazard on the road for herself and others.  My mom lost control of her one prized possession, her car.  I am blamed every chance that she remembers why she is angry with me.  It's always my fault these days.

My mom does send me on guilt trips, although those are fewer and fewer.  I'm tired of the abuse.  I'm tired of all the tears.  I'm taking back my power NOW.  My mom can only make me cry if I allow her to make me cry.

One day this will all be over.  My mom will have control again as her soul soars with the Angels and my well of tears is finally dry.