I am not a doctor. I am providing information based on experiences that my mom has with natural remedies. The purpose of this blog is to help folks to educate themselves. Use this information with your own discernment.

09 November 2010

It's Not You... It's Me

Uncle Al and Nikki (Granddaughter) calling Bingo
Last night, my mom had a clear moment so I told her that I found a nice place for her to live with nurses.  I explained to her that it's getting increasingly difficult for me to take care of her by myself without any help.  I just can't do it; my health is being compromised.

My mom seemed to understand.  She worries about me becoming ill during her lucid moments of clarity; last night was one of those nights.

"I don't like it when you get upset, holler and cry."  My mom said to me.

"I'm sorry Ma, but it's too much for me.  I'm totally burned out and just can't do it alone anymore.  My sleep is disrupted every day; it's a form of torture to just fall asleep and be woken repeatedly.  I know you can't help it.  You need people around all night, people who are rested and professionally trained to help you when you wake up confused.  It's so hard on me Ma.  It's not you, it's me.  I am really sorry that I don't have the energy to keep on going."  I began the discussion about her moving to a home.

She said a big word, something new for her, her vocabulary is improving.  She has been using big words correctly in sentences.  Last night she used a big word properly.  Insurmountable was the word;  I was shocked with her correct use and exclaimed, "Wow Ma, that's quite a big word!"

My mom replied with a smile and a laugh, "I can't help it if you are stupid."  We both laughed.

I told my mom that she'll be living with Uncle Al in his new place.  Initially she thought it was the old place and she shook her head NO with frowning eyes, the evil eye look that is my mom's signature look.  A scary look that frightened our Trick-o-Treater's this year when they came to the door and saw my mom.

"Ma, Uncle Al needs you.  You can watch out for him and make sure that he's OK.  We'll get Uncle Al Acupuncture so that the two of you can talk to each other."  My enthusiasm was mounting the more I talked about the home with my mom.

I continued, "Maryann found a beautiful place Ma.  It's bright and sunny, no elevators for the staff to hide stuff, the food is terrific and you know how I am about food; the home has gourmet style meals.   The place has a coffee cart that they wheel around all day.  You can drink coffee all day long!"

"You will have people around all the time.  They have Bingo every day, where each resident gets a number and then they pull one bingo ball; there's a new winner daily."   Telling her as much about the home as I could, she began to warm up to the idea.

I know that my mom doesn't like surprises and I couldn't see springing the move on her without warning.  It wouldn't be good for anyone.  During her clear times, I will talk about the move and how it will be better for all of us.

"Ma, we can become friends again.  We'll be nicer toward one another instead of the contempt we are beginning to feel toward each other, which is making all of our lives rot.  I love you Ma.  It's difficult for me to let you go but it's time, we are not helping each other anymore, we are doing more harm than good.  Both of us are suffering and it's no way for us to live."  I spoke to my mom with compassion and love, wanting her to understand why we need to change our living arrangement.

She seems to understand.  I assured her that we will visit her, that she'll see everyone more and experience more happiness because she'll be with people.

Who knows if I'm doing the right thing, explaining everything to her.  I do know that I have always been upfront with her, something that she appreciates.  It's why my mom trusts me; I don't lie to her about the serious things related to her health and care.

We are moving to a new phase of our lives together.  Mom will have the 24 hour care that she needs, something that is becoming increasingly difficult for me to do alone.

Today, I will create a new hypnosis recording for my mom.  The hypnosis script that I have written will penetrate her subconscious mind; phrases and words that will create a positive attitude about her moving to a new place.

We are treading in unchartered waters with my mom, but with the help of my cousin Maryann, we are getting through the challenges.  Thank God for miracles like my family, especially Maryann who's as dear to me as any of my siblings.

We are blessed.


  1. well, no one can fault you for your decision one bit. you have gone above and beyond in your dedication as a caregiver.

    i for one can attest to the toll it takes on a person...

  2. Slyde... this is the most gut wrenching thing I've ever had to do.

    How do people get through it? How did you survive? How did your mom? God... this totally sucks.

  3. well, for years, i told my mom that we had to suck it up and deal with this ourselves.

    but in the last 6 months or so of his life, i honestly decided that we couldnt handle it anymore. i even talked with my grandfather about it, and he seemed to understand how much work he was to deal with, and seemed ok with going into a home. he never wanted to be a burden. i dont know if i ever would have gone thru with it, but in the end, my mother was surprisiongly the one who said we should stick it out.

    and im glad we did. he died at home. not in the way i would have preferred, but at least he was home.

  4. I respect you and your honesty. Much better to be honest than tell untrue stories.
    Trust. That's lacking today's world.

  5. @Slyde... did your mom ever put him in the home or did she change her mind at the last minute?

    I am finding myself thinking that if I do get in-home help, she can stay with me. Then, I think that maybe if she's in a place with a lot of people she'll be happier. In her demented state, she has become a social butterfly.

    @Blogitse... Honesty is always best. Initially, it does hurt but in the end, we work things out and everyone is satisfied.