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| My Ma and Uncle Al They'll be together again in Al's nursing home |
"You'll know when it's time." Advice that so many people who have walked in similar care giving shoes offered to me. My reply has always been... "But when? How will I know?"
"You'll know." A short sentence that I now understand. Words can't explain what "you'll know" means, it's a feeling that takes over and you just know.
Patience has not been one of my strong virtues. I waited. I waited. I waited. I didn't get any answers. I found solutions to my mom's troubles. Food as medicine helped her a lot, natural remedies, supplements, Reiki, Hypnosis and Acupuncture, all contributed to bringing my mom more good days than not so good ones.
The good days were phenomenal. We had a great summer in the pool and dancing to her old favorite crooners. I took pictures and movies of the good times. Times that I know I'll look back on with a smile; knowing that I did all that I could to bring her more good days.
Her hospital stay seemed to be a turning point for the next phase of Lewy Bodies Dementia. Confusion runs our lives. Nothing makes sense, even reality is foreign to my mom. She will be fine one minute, fall asleep for 10 minutes and wake up wanting to go home to a house in one of the many cities she's lived through out her life.
It's so sad to see her get angry with me because she believes that I'm keeping her prisoner. She wants to call the cops and report me for keeping her locked up against her will. Mom, she has no idea who I am today. I'm not her daughter, I'm her warden.
Fecal incontinence is where I draw the line as a care giver. I don't want to clean up shit. Period. My mom's been crapping herself at night. It's sad. It makes me cry and sob because it means that I've come to the end. I can't go on.
The time has come... she is more confused than aware. Trouble sleeping, swallowing pills, recognizing her surroundings and most troubling is that she has no idea who I am most of the time.
I've been keeping track of the good and bad days. Out of the last 7 days, she's only had about 3 good days. We have turned the corner to the final leg of mom's trip here on Earth.
It's time. I made the call. Mom, she's on a list to be in the same nursing home as Uncle Al, her only living relative. There are 4 people ahead of us so I don't know when she'll be admitted; I pray that it's soon.
Mom's on the list and for the first time in years, I feel a little relieved to know that I will really be free from the burden that I've been carrying for far too long.
I am beginning to dream of going on my honeymoon with my husband, visiting my pen pal in San Fran and going to wine country with her and my husband. I miss my friends. I want to visit my friend Pauline; we haven't seen each other in decades. I miss my family in Maine. I miss seeing my great nephew grow. I can't miss anymore of my life. I need to golf. I need to exercise and most important, I need to meditate regularly like I always was able before my mom had Lewy take up residence.
So... it will be over soon. I'll be free. My mom will have 24 hour care by more than one person (it's been just me for so long, no wonder she thinks I'm 3 people.)
I'm ready... and now I wait a little bit more for the phone to ring with the news that they have a bed for Mom.
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Oh Susan! Life's turning points are never easy, and despite knowing that it is time and you're coming to the end of a very long and bumpy road, this turning point is not one of the good ones. My heart breaks for your mom, for the person she once was but is no more. My heart breaks for you, the loving daughter who gave everything she had to keep her mom from the total clutches of the thief of illness that was stealing her away, bit by bit.
ReplyDeleteThere is freedom ahead and you deserve that, but still, its such a high, high price to pay.
Hugs from me for whenever you need one!
Mel
You've been my hero Susan. You hung in there much longer than most, and you really did give her more time. But now it's the natural order of things, and it's your time now to live your life guilt free. I hope that call comes soon.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Susan, 'it's your time now to live your life guilt free. I hope that call comes soon'.
ReplyDeleteYou've done more than many of us could never do.
It's time for your own life again.
Strength until you're free...
Thank you to all of my friends who sent email and posted comments here on this post. Your support for my decision is heart warming. Thank you. My decision was made... it feels like it's time and there's no turning back.
ReplyDeleteIt will be so much better for my mother. The home is very nice, it is pleasant. She'll have people around all the time, especially at night when she wakes up confused. She will be able to spend her end days with her brother.
She seems to be getting better with her issue but she will still go when the bed opens.
Her condition is never going to improve and I don't want to find her dead in her bed. Finding my mom lifeless has been my biggest fear since childhood.
Susan, you have run a good race and it's now time to hand off the baton. I am glad that you have a good place for her to be and that you are at peace with this.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Tamara