Miracles Happen... We Gotta Have Faith

Faith.  We need it sometimes when we are going through something difficult, like care giving for a terminally ill loved one.  I am no exception.

The last several weeks since my mom's been home from the hospital have been extremely difficult.  She appears to have notched down into another phase of Lewy Bodies Dementia.  Smiles.  Dancing.  Happiness.  All have been missing from my mom's life, she has been out of sorts.

My attitude hasn't helped my mom.  Exhaustion has taken a hold of my being.  The thought of moving one more step forward while carrying my mom was beginning to send me into a tail spin of despair.  No help was coming and all I could do was put my mom on a list for a nursing home.

I found myself doing a lot of self talk, talking myself into this being a good idea and the best for my mom.  Somehow, I had trouble believing myself, deep down, it didn't feel right because I didn't feel that I tried everything before throwing in the towel.

My mom has been sad since I told her that our time had come to an end.  She became more confused about where she lived; "I want to go home!" was her mantra once again.

I found myself asking questions. Home.  Where is home in her mind, where does she want to go?  Does she want to die and go to the big home in the sky with my dad and brothers?  Was she feeling insecure and scared?

Questions, I had lots of questions about the return of the I want to go home mantra.  Deep down, I knew my mom was frightened and scared.  Abandonment issues from her childhood were resurfacing.  Night roaming behaviors had returned with sleep disturbed nights for my family and me.

We were in a death spiral, spinning out of control as we barreled toward the hard pavement below us.  Sadness and despair took hold of me and in turn, my mom.  I have learned that my mom mirrors my emotions, she can feel everything; she has a sixth sense.

I had nothing more that I could do but pray.  I began to say the Hail Mary prayer; the Our Father prayer being the only other prayer that I remember from my many years of attending Catholic school.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace.  The Lord is with you.  Blessed art thou among woman and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  Holy Mary mother of God, pray for our sins, now and at the hour of our death, Amen.

Over and over I said this prayer.  Each passing day became more intense with my mom.  I prayed more.  The prayer became my mantra.  I prayed harder than I've prayed my entire life.  I needed Mother Mary's energy to comfort me.  I was scared shit.  I was frightened for my mom.  The vision of her screaming in the hospital was still fresh in my mind.

Faith.  I needed faith.

I prayed.

I prayed for the best possible outcome.  No longer did I try to orchestrate the future or what my mom's fate would become; I let her go and I prayed.  My prayers were answered at the 11th hour.

Yesterday, I got the call from our Case Manager with Elder Services.  My mom was approved for help.  She will now be able to stay home with me.  She can go to "school" every day with transportation.  I can have help come to the house; a companion... my mom will have a new companion.

I sobbed.

Relief.  Help is really coming, real help that will allow us to keep Ma home and out of a facility.  I will have help so that I can enjoy my life with my husband.  Alleluia!

Thank you Mother Mary, my favorite Patron Saint, for coming through and answering my prayers.  More importantly, thank you for giving me the strength to have faith.

Miracles do happen, we just gotta have faith.