"I Want a Different Mother!"

Yesterday was a difficult day with my mom.  She has been mad and upset since we left the Neurologists office Monday morning.  She is upset because she is declining and I'm not able to cure her.

My mom, she doesn't forget.  She doesn't have the Alzheimer's where she forgets events, she forgets words that help her to communicate.

Yesterday she called me her mother, "I want a different mother!" She yelled at me when I was attempting to convince her to swim in the pool.  She never swam in the pool.

She did sit around with two bathing suits on.  A big sized 24 suit, one that she loved to wear when she was 100 pounds heavier.  It just wasn't working for her yesterday, not with a 2nd bathing suit top and jeans.

I have a rash on my arm; I think it's from stress.  I had a similar rash on my arm when I was completing my senior year in college back in 1983 when I was 24.  I slept only 4 hours a day, filling the other 20 hours with work, school and an internship.  My nerves were shot and my skin broke out in a blistery rash, one that hurt and itched.    Once school ended, the rash disappeared.

Now, 25 years later the rash is back because of the stress in my life.  I am tired.  I need to rest but don't have the luxury to just stop and take a nap or better, meditate.  My mom needs constant attention because she is starting to wander.  She wanders when she's upset, always looking for home.

Yesterday, she was looking for her brother Al, she told me that she was going to find him and live with him in his house.  She denies that he himself is in a nursing home facility.  No arguing with her, it gets no where.

It was a difficult day because my mom was in an "I hate Sue" mood.  It was awful having her nastiness thrown at me all day.  Nothing could convince her to turn her frown upside down and smile.  I was ready to have her committed to a nursing home because her adolescent behaviors were unstoppable.  Nothing worked.

I called my sister Ann and told her that I need her help.  I told her that I'm done caring for our mom because it's such a grind.  I'm exhausted.  I have a painful and itchy rash.  My spirit is broken.  Respite is coming, only a couple of days to get through.

Ann is becoming my voice of reason and suggested that we give respite a chance.  The time will help us to find a good home for our mom, one that will help her where I'm not able.

My mom took off yesterday ... twice.  The first time I didn't notice that she was gone because she came back on her own.  The second time that she took off I did notice and went out looking for her in the car.

I found her walking back toward the house, dressed in her 2 bathing suits, jeans, a sweater, with her straw hat on her head, as she carried her bathrobe and a bra.  She definitely looked crazy.  She was mad.  She came back to the house and sat on the front stairs.

I got her to come inside somehow.  She changed into her night gown and then sat on the patio for 2 hours, crying and frowning.  I apologized.  It didn't work.

Then I remembered the homeopathic remedy that Dr. Barton sent us home with last week.  I gave her a little and she came inside.  She was in a better mood.  The remedy is amazing, it snaps her out of her anger fast.  She hugged me and was pleasant.  I'm always grateful when she goes to sleep in peace because then she sleeps through the night.

Last night she slept through the night and woke up in a decent mood today.  I hope it continues; I could definitely use a break from her anger.