Why I Don't Feel the Christmas Spirit

Caregiving is a hard job with little time off.  Day in day out, night after night, it's the same; comforting my mom who has lost her mind. 

Hallucinations are prevelant, mostly during those times when she knows she is going to a gathering of some kind.  My mom, she can't find her words, she uses the wrong words and it's very difficult to understand what she is trying to communicate.  For this reason, my mom gets nervous and her trouble worsens the more she thinks about the coming special event.

Here it is Christmas Eve morning.  I don't have the spirit of Christmas.  I'd prefer that this was January 2nd, with holidays over so that life can be uneventful, chasing my mom's hallucinations once again.  Change, any change is tough on my mom especially since she doesn't have the ability to reason. 

Getting together with family that we never see is a perfect recipe to bring on hallucinations in my mom.  Visions of strangers in her mind scare her and cause unrest for days.  It's a quandry.  Do I suck it up and bring my mom to the family gathering just so that family who never sees her, who never call, can feel good about themselves because they are "seeing" Ma?  What about all the other days of the year? 

This Christmas I'm done throwing parties in an effort to get my family together.  It's too late now.  The parties upset my mom, she can't communicate and she becomes withdrawn.  She can't eat the party food, it brings on hallucinations and behavior issues.

It's a lot of work organizing and throwing a party. At one time I would throw parties because I believed in family.  I believed that they would be here for me.  Instead my belief about my family has been shattered.  I have learned that death and Christmas don't mix.  No one wants to be around the old person who doesn't quite know who you are. 

Hey, where did everybody go?

Christmas is about family.  My family is gone and with their departure the Spirit of Christmas is gone too.