Letter to My Family - Christmas 2009

Dear Family,

We've had a lot of years together.  You were the ones that I believed would always be here, especially when I need you the most.  But, when I look around, when I ask for help, the only reply is the sound of crickets.  What happened?  You were always there for me when I needed you before?

I cried.  I cried a lot over the thought of losing my family.  What did you expect from me?  You know I am the one who is sensitive and cries at the drop of a hat.  Remember when dad used to say, "Six o'clock, time for Susie to cry" and then I'd start to cry.  All of you would laugh and laugh.  I cried and cried.

Death and dying is not as glamorous as birth and living.  No wonder no one is coming around.  It's part of life, dying.  We are all one day closer to our death day every morning that we wake up.  The most valuable gift that I'm getting from Ma, now that she's lost her mind, is I'm allowing myself to face the inevitable, her death day.  It's not easy facing ones own mortality but it will make it easier for you to deal with Ma's death if you face it now.   

I've been reading blogs and comments from caregivers around the globe.  Did you know that care giving usually lands on one person in a family?  It's usually a female who's about 48 or 49 on average.  Well, what do you know?  I'm a female daughter who's 49 and Ma's caregiver. 

Did you also know that most families are destroyed because of the pressures of caregiving?  Do you want our family destroyed over Ma's dying?  It's happening.  It's making me cry a lot.  I am not ready to lose my family over Ma's illness and everyones fear of facing what could potentially happen to each of us.

I can handle Ma's day in and day out routines, she's way better than she had been before seeing the Naturopath Doctor.  What I can't handle is seeing you all put your heads in the sand, making believe that this will all go away.  It will one day, Ma will die.  But that's when the pain is going to really begin for all of you. 

I should have....

Do you want to be the one who says, "Gee, I should have done...."  fill in the blank.  It will be too late if you find yourself crying and saying this phrase.

We are all busy.  Time ticks away quickly.  But don't you have 5 minutes to call Ma?  Say hello, how are you?  She may not know you but that's OK, she can feel the love, she can feel that someone cares enough to call her.  She asks for all of you at one time or another.  I make shit up so that you all don't look like assholes for abandoning her.  Don't you think she had enough abandonment in her life?  Geez, the woman was homeless when she was 14.  Her mother and sister were locked up in a mental institution, her brother was dead, killed in the war and her other brother who's still alive always wanted everything that she had, a family.

I've been accused of doing what I'm doing out of "guilt."  I have no guilt.  I care for Ma because it's the right thing to do.  She would care for any of us if she could, she wouldn't put us away in a home.  I can't do that to her either.  I care for Ma because I genuinely love her.  My deepest wish is that she passes peacefully at home.   

I know you all love Ma too.  But why the excuses as to why you can't call or visit.  What's your excuse?  Is it a good one?  In my opinion, excuses are cop outs.  You are showing that you are afraid, you are allowing fear to hold you back from releasing the pain, a pain that will only worsen upon Ma's death.

The other day when Ma's health insurer called to talk to me about what I've done to help her, the nutritionist told me that her parents are both in a home.  Her mom has Alzheimer's.  Her daddy lives in a different wing of the home, he's still got his faculties about him.  The dad, he's torn up over the loss of his wife to Alzheimer's.  From what I understood from the conversation, her dad and mom are alone, everyone has abandoned them, no one likes to visit a nursing home.

The daughter, the nutritionist that I spoke with told me her excuse for avoiding her mom.  The nutritionist told me that she is too sensitive, too emotional.  She can't see her, it's not her mom... the list of excuses went on and on.  To her mind the excuse seemed plausible.  Of course it did, her mind made the excuse to make her feel better about herself because deep down she knows she's being a shit head.  When her mom passes, she will have guilt, she will be saying, "I should have..."

Look you guys, you can hate me, I don't care anymore.  All I want you to know is that one day when Ma is dead, if you found yourself ladden with excuses as to why you stayed away, don't come crying to me.  You have an opportunity NOW.  There's a window open, one where you can come in and do the right thing.  You will feel empowered.  You'll feel better about yourself.  You'll stop running away from me, avoiding me and hiding.

I am not asking any of you for money.  I am not asking anyone to take Ma to live with them.  All I am asking you all to do is call Ma.  Did you know when you call Ma and talk to her for 30 minutes, tell her about your life, your day, it does two things.  1.)  you make Ma come alive, your calls mean the world to her, someone remembered her and 2.)  You help me.  You give me a few minutes where I can meditate or just relax with out worrying.

Now is the time folks, it's the time to take action to avoid having to see a Psychiatrist to help you deal with the pain of losing Ma.  Enjoy her now.  Make memories with her now and when she dies we can share our stories and laugh.  We can be a family again. 

Stay with God.

Love,
Sue