I'm not sure if it's the Christmas holiday that is approaching or if it's some other reason, but my mom has been asking me for a few days now, "Where is everyone? Don't I have kids? Where are they?"
This morning she packed a bag, ready to go to her home. Dressed only in a night gown and her favorite red sweater, holding her bag, she was ready to go. She's looking for her kids, like a mother cat who has been separated from her kittens.
How do I respond? I've tried with out any luck to get my family together since we moved from my home to my new husband's house. I am giving up. Mostly because I build up my hopes, hopes where I will see everyone here, like the old days, but the old days are that, old. They are distant memories that I treasure but they are also the memories that set me up for disappointment.
Maybe I was in my own fantasy world in my mind, believing that I have a family, one that would help me when I need them. The sting of the reality of being abandoned by ones family sucks, especially when I believed my family would be here for me no matter what. After all, it is what my dad preached to us and taught all of us kids during our childhood.
Stay together, your family are your only true friends.
Sadly, I was wrong. No one cares when death is involved. Everyone is too busy, rushing here and there, with some purpose only known to them, anything that will keep them from facing their own mortality is more important. I have cried over this realization but now, I know there's nothing I can do so I'm letting it go. Fuck it. No more tears. Why should I cry if no one cares? I care. I can only control me.
Even though my family appears to have forgotten us here, I still love them. All of them. It's probably why it hurts. Ya, it's my ego getting in the way, I'm still Sue, the Sue who can cry at the drop of a hat. It's who I am, I am not sorry for who I have become. I love me. Even the me who cries.
I always loved Christmas and being with my family. But this year, I don't want to see them. I don't want them around me. I want to be alone with my new family, the people who are here for me day in and day out. The only ones that I know I can depend on. Right now, that's what I need, nothing more, nothing less... family love, love that I know doesn't just come around on 1 or 2 days a year. My mom, she won't remember that anyone was here anyway, she barely knows who I am.
Mom keeps asking about her kids. Where are they? She asks, "I need to see birth certificates, I know I have kids." She forgets that Ed is dead and asks me where he is. I miss Ed. I know that he would have helped me with my mom. I like to believe that he'd be here to give me a day off so that I could enjoy life, even if it is for a few hours. I believe this because Ed visited every Sunday when he was alive, he was my best friend.
The most difficult part of care giving for a parent who is losing their mind, is answering questions like the ones my mom keeps asking, "don't I have kids? Where are they?"