The Day After

Christmas is over. 

Our day was pleasant, my mom was happy and she enjoyed being served all day.  No different than any other day.  It was a good day for my mom, it was an ordinary day, no hustling here or there; our house was peaceful.  I didn't have to chase any hallucinations for my mom.

We had dinner at the table, something we rarely do.  Normally the moms like to eat in their rooms.  My mom isn't a conversationalist and eating together makes her nervous because she can't find her words.  Last night, we had lamb, cauliflower and peas with an Aujus that I had made for the lamb.  It was fabulous.  My mom didn't worry about words.

Christmas music was playing, we ate, conversed, mom swayed to the music and we shared some laughter.  We exchanged gifts.  My mom really wasn't sure what to make of the gift that my mother in law gave to her; a gift card so that she could go and buy herself anything that she wanted.  It took awhile for it to sink in. 

We didn't have a lot of gifts this year, one each.  It was awesome.  No shopping stress.  No after Christmas, "oh shit, how much money did I spend?"... one gift each was superb.

Christmas with my family, my new family, was better than I could have imagined.  I found the Christmas spirit at the dinner table last night.  I found it in my husbands heart.  How did I not recognize it before?  I was blinded by the past, ideals that I had built up in my mind, ones that were unrealistic. 

Let the new day begin.

This morning at 4am I heard the squeaking of the floor above our bed.  My mom was awake, roaming.  I got up and when I reached the top of the first landing, I saw my mom, fully dressed saying to me in a panic, "I've got to go and help her!  come on!  come on! "  as she motioned for me to go to her bedroom with her.  She was trying to say something but couldn't find the words.  She was freaked out.  My mom's hallucinations were back.

I convinced her to go back to sleep, that it was only 4am.  She tried to explain to me that today she needed to help someone.  "She has a doctor's appointment, she needs me!" my mom said in a panic. 

I said, "Who needs you Ma?" 

"She needs me.  I don't know who it is, but she needs me.  She told me that she needs me to go to the doctors with her."  My mom's mind was stuck in a hallucination.

Convincing her that it was Saturday and whoever she was going to help will call to remind her did the trick. Fully dressed, my mom climbed back into her bed.

6am... squeak, squeak.  My mom was up again.  I woke up.  All the cats were up too and following me as though I was the pied piper.  They see me and associate me with food, pretty much like everyone else in my house!

Ma was paranoid early this morning.  She hid her Christmas gifts that she received from Donna and Rachel under her pillow.  Once she woke up, she took the gifts from under the pillow and put them in her desk.  I really need to keep track of where she's put those things before she believes that the "little kid" came and took them.

Today will be a great day.  I have the Christmas Spirit.  I always had the spirit, I just didn't see it until I looked at my husbands face and realized... he's my Christmas Spirit, he's the love of my life. 

Yay! 

Just like my dad always told me, "Susie, wait a minute, things will change.  Nothing stays the same."  Christmas Eve I mourned the loss of family and on Christmas I realized that I always had a family, a really awesome one, one that I couldn't see because I had my heart closed.