Thumbs Down Good

Yesterday I spent the day doing things that would help my mom feel that she's wanted here in our home.  The talk of nursing homes, the memory of the bus trip and the call from the nursing home looking for her, freaked her out.  It shook my mom to her core, she cried, which shook me to my core.

The memory of my mom sobbing didn't make me feel too good yesterday.  I was up the night before last, wide awake, crying all night.  My heart was heavy.  I didn't know if I could keep going on as a care giver, mostly because I'm tired and need a break from it. 

Explosive shits, nothing like cleaning one up to create thoughts of hopping in my truck and driving away as fast as I can.  As fun as it was to fantasize about getting the hell away as fast as possible, I chose to stare this trouble down, pull myself up and create a positive attitude.  It seemed to be the only solution to a potential nightmare with my demented mother.

A positive attitude rescued me from going to the dark side of life, the place without joy, Hell on Earth.  I don't know about you but Hell sucks.  Especially when you are trapped with a demented person who has the ability to amplify all your emotions.  The secret of escaping this awful place is to leave all negative thoughts in the box by the door.  It's difficult because we the Care Giver need to remember that our ego is the biggest troublemaker and all issues with our wards usually stems from our egos.

Yesterday, my mom was still angry with me.  She sat with a tight face, her angry look.  I always hated her angry look and yesterday, after a night of no sleep, seeing my mom sob and cleaning up shit, it took all I had to see past the angry face and understand why she was frightened.

It all comes down to the thought of being admitted to a nursing home, my mom's greatest fear.  Somehow I was able to convince her that she is staying her with us, that this is her home.  I hugged my mom a lot yesterday, all through the day, I would hug her and tell her how much we love her.  I fed my mom a steady stream of love yesterday, love from my heart and she felt it.  She responded like a wilting flower that perked up and stood tall with just a little attention.

At bed time, I asked my mom, "So, how are you doing?  Do you feel better than you did last night?  My mom replied with a big smile on her face, "Yup, thumbs down!" 

She didnt' mean to use those words, she was trying to tell me that she felt really great.  She continued on as I looked puzzled, attempting to understand what she was trying to say, "I trust you.  I believe you.  I am home."  My mom said to me with a smile.  Her face was soft, the tightness from her fright had lifted, we were all in for a very good night of solid sleep.

Last night, we all got to sleep with God... Amen!