Ma Wants to Go Home

Last Friday, I came to the conclusion that my mother needs to be in a nursing facility.  Over the weekend, I had to come to terms with my mother's condition, she is declining fast.  I feel badly, I wish it were different, I did all that I could to help her have a comfortable old age.  Did I fail my mom because I have to put her in a home?

I'm scared for her.  I'm scared for me. 

Questions are flooding my brain.  My heart is heavy.  My stomach is doing flips and turns... my eyes are leaking.

Will I find the right place for her?  How do I handle her telling me that she hates me when I have her admitted? 

Already she's telling me that she can't stand the sight of me, because I told her that she's becoming too much for me to handle. 

Her abandonment issues are front and center, proved by her clutching her purse, with her coat on, ready to go somewhere at all hours of the day and night ... home is her destination.

My mom wants to go home.  All night, all day, she roams with her coat on, clutching her purse, wondering how she's going to get home.  

The experiences I'm having with my mom are the most difficult of my life.  I do feel alone and abandoned too, everyone offering advice, "Just put her in a home" words that are so much easier said than acted upon.  But, I'll do it and once it's over, I'll be stronger.

My mom wants to go home... I wish I knew where home is.