When Thoughts Become Reality

I haven't given much thought lately toward the mind and how the mind brings on our experiences based on the thoughts that we have ... until yesterday.

My mom hasn't been feeling very well the last couple of days.  I don't know if she picked something up at Day Care or some other public place.  I do know that she's been more confused and demented.  I've noticed more confusion occurs when she isn't feeling well. 

Yesterday, thinking my mom was well enough to go out and she really wanted to go out shopping with our little family, we all loaded up in the car and drove to Costco.  First, we stopped for a lovely lunch and then we went on to our shopping destination.

My mom began to feel sick as soon as we got inside Costco.  I had her sit at the front of the store while I ran around and picked up the items that I needed to buy in bulk, paper towels, dish soap and toilet paper.  I had a list so it was easy, mostly because I had the list memorized.

My husband and mother-in-law both headed to areas of the store where they like to browse.  Me on the other hand, I was frantic after my husband walked off into the sea of TV's and I was left alone with my sick mom. 

4 people, all given an opportunity to have a similar shopping trip but circumstances for each created totally different experiences.

My mother in law and husband were having a great time strolling alone through the store, looking at stuff and digesting lunch.  A pleasant Sunday afternoon, both were enjoying themselves, both completely oblivious to my mom getting sick in the store and my cleaning it up.

I will spare details, they don't add to the theme of this post.  However, I will say my biggest fear manifested itself yesterday.  My fear originated as a thought that I first had when my mom came to live with me 12 years ago. 

Yesterday, it manifested itself.

What I learned through all of this is to be very careful what thoughts I hold, especially those thoughts that I find myself obsessively thinking and worrying about the outcome.  I know from experience that focusing on the end result will bring that result.

Looking back over the last 12 years, I saw myself living through the nightmare which I created in my mind.  For over a decade, I had pictured in my minds eye, with such strong emotion and belief that the thought materialized yesterday.  My poor mom.

Be careful how you think, thoughts are real, just waiting for strong emotion and passion to birth the idea.

Today I shift my focus toward peaceful thoughts.  When a worry or an upset comes my way, it's up to me to chose how I react.  The reaction is a catalyst to creating thoughts, both good and bad.  More and more I understand that no one can make me do anything, shit happens because I made it happen through my fear. 

Now I really understand when thoughts become reality and how I hold the key to my own personal happiness through the power of my mind.  It just takes one thought to either make a great day or bring you to your knees. 

What are you going to think about today?  How are you going to react?  Will you hold a grudge?  Will you chose love?  Your future happiness depends on what you do today to bring peace into your life.

Seeing Through the Demented Mind

Dementia is a phenomenon to me, a dis-ease of the brain.  Living with someone who has dementia, day in and day out, 24 hours by 7 days per week; I've been privledged to have a glimpse into the demented mind.

The fright is the most striking part of dementia episodes, with the patient often scared 'shitless' (for lack of a better term.)   This morning, my mom was up sleepwalking at 3am.  She was horrified because the lady was waving to her to come with her.  The lady was in the window, that's what my mom kept telling me.  She was horrified.  Shaking, as she stood at the top of the stairs with me.  I hugged her and assured her that she was having a dream.  Once back in bed, she settled down pretty quickly and was fast asleep.

5am, she was up again, frightened for the vision of a little boy.  "The little boy!" She exclaimed.  "He is crying for his mom, we have to help him.  Please Susie.  Help the little boy, he's crying for his mother." She continued, with hollow eyes.  Once more I assured her that I will find the little boy and help him. 

I gave her a thyroid supplement and had her go back to her bed.  She was afraid for the little boy, she still heard him crying.  I promised her that I will find him and everything will be OK.  I'll help him find his mother.  She believed me and settled down, once more falling asleep as though she never woke.  I put on music from my mom's era, softly playing in the background, she is still sleeping soundly.

There's something about the lady and the little boy.  I wonder what in her daily life is transforming into hallucinations that are waking her?

Sometimes, I can almost feel my mom's confusion to the point where I understand what's happening to her.  When I have these awakened moments, where I can see through my mom's demented mind, I attempt to find words to express and explain what I feel.

What I experience is hollow and empty, like a bad dream where crazy things happen.  Things that have no logic or reason, nightmarish events that stick around when woken.  For my mom, what I'm observing is her nightmares are coming alive, she's awake but asleep.  She walks between both worlds when she's in a demented state of being.  Not sure if the ground is before her or a big hole, she walks with calculated steps, cautious not to fall.

Are the visions of the lady coming for her preparing her for the day she doesn't wake up one day?

Death and dying, it's as miraculous as life and living because it completes the great circle of our existence on this tiny planet called Earth.

The Devil Addresses Pat Robertson...Personally....Sort of | Inconsequential Logic

The Devil Addresses Pat Robertson...Personally....Sort of Inconsequential Logic

The Bus Ride

Yesterday was a great day off from Caregiving for my husband and me.  Both of us having the day off, I had my mom go to Day Care and I made massage appointments for both my husband and me.

I found a great massage therapist.  I've been experiencing numbness in my arms, mostly my left arm.  The pain comes from my back, where our angel wings sprout when we get them.  Maybe my angel self has been working overtime?  Actually,  I believe the muscle knots are caused from the way I sit at my computer and write.  I've definitely got to figure out a better way to work come Tuesday when I start my paying job.

Knowing that I start work on Tuesday, I thought I'd give it a try where the bus drives my mom home from Day Care.  I told her that she'd be on the first bus. 

Big mistake. 

She didn't get on the bus until almost 4pm!  The first bus leaves at 3pm and it was full of the regulars.  My mom just started to go to this place during the day so she doesn't get first dibs on a ride time.  I wonder if it's like one of those waiting lists where you have to wait for someone to die in order to take their place?

I was expecting my mom to show up at home about 3:15, 3:30 the latest.  It was about 3:45PM and I found myself turning into my mother!  I was pacing, looking out the window, cracked the door open so that I could sit on the sofa and watch the driveway.  No Bus.  No Ma.  I called the place, no answer... voice mail.  What the Fuck!?

My husband was home so I told him that I was going out looking for her.  I hopped in the car and drove first to Blaire House, watching for the van. No Van.  I got to the place, the door was open so I went in.  I saw our day nurse sitting watching TV.  I asked her, "Where is my mother?"  I was frantic, like a mother looking for her little defenseless child.

The nurse, holding back a laugh, told me that my mom got on the bus about 15 minutes prior to my arrival.  She assured me that she is on her way home.   The nurse told me that my mom kept going to the door looking for me.  She told the nurse, "I know my daughter is coming, she's never late."  The nurse told her that she was taking the bus home and needed to wait a little longer.  This did not settle well with my mom.  She waited.  She was gracious to the nurse, but in her mind she was preparing to let me have a piece of it when she saw me.

I got home in 10 minutes and waited.

The van didn't pull into the driveway until after 5pm!  The driver got lost.  My mother was on a bus with as she describes, a Russian lady who only swore in Russian (not sure how she knew she was swearing in Russian, my mom only speaks English) and another woman who was horrified of the foreign lady. 

In the driveway, when she got off the bus, she came over to me and hugged me.  "Oh thank God!  I thought I was going to die.  It was scary.  I never thought I'd see you again.  The foreign lady, I think she was Russian.  She started to swear.  She tried to steal my beautiful red hat.  We were driving and driving.  I think we went by our old house, the other lady on the bus, she didn't want me to leave her there alone with the swearing lady... can I have some ice cream?  I've been a good girl."  All of this said in a flow of consciousness, without skipping a beat.  The ice cream request made us laugh so how could I say no?

My mom carried on about the bus ride for a couple of hours.  She was totally confused and had no idea that she was home.  She thought she was going back to the house in Groveland that we sold in 2008 when we moved in with my new husband. 

In her bedroom she has a lot of the furniture from our old house.  I gave her 2 cognifactors with 4 helleborus niger 30c pellets to put under her tongue to dissolve.  Within 30 minutes, she was beginning to realize that she was in her home and was in her room with her old familiar furniture.

After dinner I gave her some ice cream with a few drops of Fenugreek to make sure the sugar didn't raise her blood glucose.  My mom smiled as I gave her the ice cream and said, "Here's some ice cream for being a good girl."  She said, "Awww, just like my Ma, she used to say, "Florencia, you taka josie to da sto ana buya hera somea icea creama... she'sa beena a gooda girla."  Followed by a burst of laughter from my little mom, elated to have a dish of blackberry ice cream, just like her momma used to get for her.

My mom was exhausted from the day and barely made it to 8pm.  She did have a good day at the Day Care, it's fun for her there because she's making friends.  The nurse is very nice, she's good with my mom.  She'll go every day next week, Tuesday through Friday.  I'll drop her off and pick her up.  I promised her that she won't have to take another bus ride and every day that she goes to Blaire House, she can have some ice cream.

Mommy Day Care

This morning when I took my mom to her Adult Day Care, I experienced what I imagine all mother's experience when their kids go off to school for the first time.  A bit of apprehension loaded with excitment.  I loved the feeling of turning out of the parking lot and driving away with just me in the truck...

Weeeeeeee!

I did my mom's hair for her this morning.  She was always a stickler for having well kept hair; losing it was really horrible for her mentally and emotionally.  Finding her a fiber powder to sprinkle on her head atleast stops the bald shine we often see on folks who are bald.  She loves this bald fix, it works for her.  Today, she told me that I did an exceptional job, she smiled and checked herself out in the mirror for a good time before leaving for the day.

Coat on, hat resting on her hair, we went for our 5 mile drive to the nursing home where she is spending the day and will spend everyday while I work.

I am excited.  Did I tell you that?

A couple of months ago I wrote a post about writing ones obituary and creating a new movie script for the life you want to have.

I follow my own advice. 

I wrote a new movie script for my next phase of life.  I lived with the goal in mind, not thinking how I was going to get there.  Life happened around me and like dominos, everything lined up perfectly.  Everything that we want in life or have, including children, begins with a thought. 

Thoughts are real, they create our future happiness or sadness.

My new movie included having a computer job, working from home, no travel and my mom going to an Adult Day Care during the day.  In my script, I cook all meals fresh from scratch with no preservatives, real health food.  Recipes that my family enjoys, flow freely from my mind.  My mom's health is stable and she likes going to her new "club" ...  

This is all that I can tell you from my movie script, it's the stuff that is manifesting into reality.  I want my readers to know that this exercise REALLY works.  Give it a shot, you have everything to gain. 

The power of our mind holds the key to our ultimate happiness in everything, where forgiveness is easy and love rules.

I love Mommy Day Care!!!

My Mom is Sleepwalking Again

I'm noticing ever time there's a change in my mom's daily routine, her sleep pattern is the first thing to change.  Night becomes day and day becomes night.  Sleepwalking becomes a regular nightly occurance. 

Last night, I tucked my mom in and she had a nightgown on, when I saw her come to the kitchen this morning, she was fully dressed.    I asked her when she got dressed.  She told me that she didn't know, she woke up dressed, she had just woken up.  I never heard her get up, she must not have gone in to the kitchen where I can hear a squeak in the floor.

There is no way I can have her home during the day, she requires too much attention and I'd never get my work done.  She falls asleep from boredom and wakes up screaming about someone or thinking that someone is knocking on the door.  Unfortunately, my mom doesn't understand why she has to go somewhere during the day, she believes in her mind that she's OK to stay alone while I work downstairs.

No, no Ma, you must go to Blaire House.  She pouts.  She hates the idea.  Too bad.

Her reaction to this change is similar to when I took her car away and made her stop driving.  She was angry.... REALLY mad at me for taking her driving privledge away.  She attempted to tell me "Well Susie, I'm still your mother!" and I'd reply, "Great, you still can't drive, you can't see well, you'll kill someone and then we'll all be screwed."

For almost a year, my mother was mad at me about her not driving and she was a major pain in the ass.  If I was a rotten kid like she often told me, she would have found herself in a room next to her brother in a not so great nursing home a long time ago. 

Time healed her angst for driving, although she still talks about buying a blue Ford Taurus, her favorite car; one is parked on someone's lawn near our home, it hasn't moved in almost 2 years, she believes she will buy it as soon as the for sale sign is placed in the window.  I go along with her dream of owning the blue Ford Taurus, it makes her feel happy thinking that she can drive.  She still has a valid drivers license, we just don't let her use it.

Today my mom is going to Blaire House.  Yay!!!  My husband has the day off and we have massages scheduled.  I'll have the Blaire House drop my mom off at home.

I'm hoping that having them take her home will ease her anxiety of being left at the place for good.  It will make it easier for me, I won't have to stop working for an hour or more just so that I can retrieve my mom and bring her home.

One day at a time, that's all we can do with this horrible disease that my mom has in her brain.  She's getting worse, no doubt.  I'm just not sure if it's because her routine is changing or if there's something physically changing in her brain because of the upset to her regular daily routine?  Maybe it's a bit of both?

In any event, I'm excited to start working again.  I miss reading programs and solving computer problems.  My mind is ready for a challenge that isn't a matter of life or death.  Bring on the bits and bytes, this brain needs some exercise!

Creating Memories... Just In Case

Caring for my mother who is demented has taught me a valuable lesson.  Make happy memories today because if we ever become demented we will want to remember the happy memories.    Happy memories make a demented individual more peaceful, well that's what I've been observing.

Unfortunately my mother wasn't very social during her life, she sucked at networking.  She never learned social skills because of her screwed up childhood.  It wasn't her fault.  Her dad died when she was 6 and her mother went nuts after her brother was killed in the War.  Her older sister was diagnosed as schizophrenic when she was only 16.  I can't imagine being institutionalized at 16.

My mother did really well considering her beginnings were so difficult.  I am still amazed that my mother had never spoken to her mother because my Grandmother only spoke Italian and my mother only knew English.  Makes you wonder if we even need to speak to our children or parents... is there a secret connection that doesn't need words?

My mom's memories are of her children.  She sees children running around the house a lot.  My dead brother sits and watches TV with her every day.  There's some lady that looks through the window at her.  This lady is new.  My mom told me that the lady wants her to go with her somewhere, that she wants my mom to join their club. 

I'm not sure what this means.  Is she seeing dead people, spirits or angels?  Are they getting her ready for passing?  Who knows? 

I do remember that 3 months before my brother Ed died he saw little children coming to his screened door, looking in at him.  He told me that they were transparent and when he'd go to the door, he'd see their ghosts running down the deck toward the stairs.  The children were playful.  Ed saw the kids a lot.  It always made me nervous because Ed's health wasn't good.  Ed drowned 3 months later in a white water rafting accident. 

So, we make memories through out our lives, some good and some not so good.  The bad memories seem to haunt my mother and the good memories become happy visits for her from beyond the grave.  I suppose I won't be able to prove this theory of mine for a few more decades, when it's my turn to have my end of life parade of spirits come to me.

Just in case, I'm creating happy memories now so that no one scares the crap out of me!

Swiss Chard and Vegetables with Warm Brazil Nut Dressing

Ingredients:

1 bunch of Organic Swiss Chard chopped into bite sized pieces

6 cloves of garlic finely chopped

12 cherry tomatoes cut in half

1/2 cup diced pepper (I used yellow today)

1/4 cup chopped Brazil Nuts

3 Tablespoons Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Feta Cheese and Pine Nuts for garnish.

In a large sauce pan, heat the 3 tablespoons of olive oil.  When it is hot, add the chopped brazil nuts.  Let them sizzle and turn a little brown.  Add the garlic and let it cook about 2 minutes.  Do not let it burn.  Add the peppers and tomatoes.  Cook for about 1 minute.  Add the Swiss Chard and toss so that everything mixes together.  Cook until the Swiss Chard shrinks and gets soft but not mushy, about 6 -8 minutes.

Put mixture into a dish.  Add feta cheese and pine nuts.

A New Beginning . . . I Got a Job!

Last week a former colleague called and asked me if I could do some consulting work from home.  After thinking about it for a fraction of a second I said, "YES!"

I was to start with a 4 week consulting engagement that would start on the 8th.  Yesterday he asked me if I could start on Monday.

My mom is set up with a Day Care for $56 a day and I have a job.  A glorious job where I can use my mind to think of things other than chasing away my mom's hallucinations.  I'm excited.  I will be able to earn money again.  It's been way too long. 

My mom on the other hand, she's not so excited.  She knows that I need to work, but she doesn't want to go to the Blaire House anymore.  She thinks she can stay home while I work from home.  We used to have this arrangement when we lived in my house, the house I bought for the 2 of us to live in, long before I met my husband.  At that time my mom could handle the remote control for the TV to change channels and select shows from the channel guide. 

Now, she struggles with the remote, she requires assistance.  She falls asleep during the day and wakes up screaming sometimes, looking for me frantically, worried that I left her or I'm in trouble.  I do hope that I can help her to understand that the Day Care is a great alternative to going to a nursing home as a permanent resident.

Today my mother thinks that I'm going to put her in a nursing home.  She's pouting and getting herself worked up, creating a false reality based on her fear.  We've been on this road before, time will help.

Talking to her doesn't do much good, not with a demented mind.  Her logic is irrational.  Yes means no and no means yes in her world.  We are treading on new ground, but we have to because I GOT A JOB!

I haven't worked in almost 2 years, well not a regular job where I get paid.  I have worked but a different kind of work, care giving.  Now, I get to do caregiving and a job with the help of Adult Day Health.  The only troulbe that could rear it's head is my mom not wanting to go.  She can be a collossal bitch. 

Today I told her that she has no choice, she's going, she has to go somewhere during the day because I need to work.  She tried to tell me that it was "too expensive."  I told her that it was not very expensive when one hour of my working a real job will pay for one day; this is worth it. 

I don't know if I scared her by continuing on, but I told her the other alternative is she goes to live in a place like the place her brother is living.  I don't know if she heard anything that I had said after the nursing home comment, but I continued and told her that I prefer to have her sleep here because it allows me to prepare food for her which is an important part of her healthcare plan.

Time will ease her mind when she sees that she comes home here every day.  The first day I took her to Blaire House she thought I was leaving her off for good.  I showed up a few minutes late which didn't ease her fear, but none the less, she came home with me.

Friday she'll go to Blaire House for the day.  Hubby took the day off and we're going for massages.  On Friday, my husband and I will celebrate my new job, it's a new beginning, a beginning that I've been waiting a long time to arrive.  I got a job!

My Mom's New Routine

Every morning it's the same.  My mom gets up about 5am to use the bathroom.  Sometimes she walks back to bed and other times I find her in the kitchen wondering how she got there.  Thank God for our squeaky floors.

This morning she woke me so I gave her 1 Thyroid System Support supplement and then she went back to sleep for almost 3 hours.


If she sleeps through to morning, she will have the thyroid supplement on an empty stomach and wait 30 minutes.

When she wakes up she has the following:

1 Folate B12

2 Cognifactors

  CogniFactors 60 vcaps

This item is not available for shipment to Canada.

Serving Size: 2 caps

N-Acetyl-l-Carnitine 500 mg

Phosphatidylserine 100 mg

Nattokinase (nattozymes) 100 mg

Bacopa Monniera Leaf PE 20% 100 mg

DMAE 100 mg

Ginkgo Biloba PE 24/6 40 mg

Vinpocetine 10 mg

Alpha R Lipoic Acid 5 mg

Huperzine A 1% 50 mcg

Suggested use: Take 2 caps 1-3 per day or as directed by a healthcare professional.

1 Tablespoon of Phosphytydl Choline in yogurt, cottage cheese or a blueberry smoothie

Phosphatidyl Choline Powder 300 gms


Serving size: 1 tablespoon (10 grams)

Amount per serving:

Calories: 70

Soy Lecithin 10,000 mg

Phosphatidyl choline 4,000 mg


DFH Phosphatidyl Choline blends well in water beverages or shakes.

Ashwagandha Extract 1 oz Ashwagandha/Withania somnifera Extract

In a shot glass, 1/2 full of cold water, I put 8 drops of Ashwagandha, she drinks this.

1 COQ10
2 Cardio HNT

Supplement Facts



Terminalia Arjuna PE (1%) 500 mg

Tribulus terrestris (40%) 300 mg

Cordyceps sinensis 400 mg

Rauwolfia serpentina 100 mg

Inula racemosa extract (2%) 200 mg

Coleus forskohlii (10%) 100 mg

1 81 mg aspirin

1 Tablespoon of Berry Juice

...............................  LUNCH .................................

6 Seacure

Amount Per Serving:


Calories 10.5

Total fat 0.15 g

Cholesterol 9 mg

Sodium 20 mg

Protein 2 g

Vitamin A 157 IU

Calcium 57 mg

Phosphorus 63 mg

Omega-3 32 mg



Ingredients:

White fish, Rosemary extract, gelatin capsules

2 Cognifactors
1 Tablespoon of Phosphatydl Choline in yogurt, cottage cheese or in a fruit drink

Lunch is balanced.  I use a lot of dark greens, herbs and spices.  I make us a lot of salads with interesting ingredients like apples, raisins and pine nuts.

For an afternoon snack and if she's having issues with moving her bowels, I give her a tablespoon of peanut butter on a celery stick.  This definitely does the trick.


---------------------- Dinner  -----------------------

6 Seacure
2 Cognifactor

lean meat with vegetables, more vegetables than meat.

Sometimes she'll have a little ice cream with 5 drops of Fenugreek for desert or dark chocolate treats that I make for her, like chocolate covered banana slices.

---------------  Bedtime -------------------

8 drops of Ashwagandha in her blue shot glass
1 3 mg melatonin
1 10mg Lisinopril (pharmaceutical for high blood pressure)
1 Vitamin D3

 

Naturopathic Medicine Begins On Your Dinner Table

My mom has been living with me for nearly 12 years.  During that time, I've seen my mom go from being on a crap load of pharmaceutical medications to just one. 

In our early years of being roommates, each time that my mom would go to the traditional doctor, they'd give her another new pill to try.  A pill given to mask the side effects of the pill that was prescribed in a previous appointment.  It was a viscious cycle.  I watched my mom become sicker.  It sucked.

I don't see the logic.  Why do people take the pharma drugs if they are going to just make them get more sick and need more drugs? 

To me, it seems that the only ones gaining here are the pharmaceutical drug companies, not us, not the regular people who they see as potential revenue for their companies.  Why do people insist on paying for the extravagant lives of the few 1% at the top?  Why do we think it's OK?  Who convinced us that we must buy all the packaged and processed foods which make us take Pharmaceutical medications? 

Who is responsible... what is responsible for all of us being so sick? 

In my opinion, it is really our responsibility first to make sure that we are doing the right things for our bodies, they are our bodies, we only get issued one per lifetime. 

Doctors, traditional and alternative both need the patient (that would be each individual) to take some responsibility for their own health.  Food, nutritious food is the body's fuel.  No one can force us to eat that Twinkie or that scrumptious smelling bagle, it's up to each of us individually to make the choice for ourselves.  It's the same with drugs, no one can force us to take the drugs, we choose, it's ultimately our responsibility and decision.  People, all of us need to take responsibility for ourselves and stop trying to pin our illnesses on someone else. 

If you eat the crap food, the processed shit, you will need the pharmaceutical medications.  In this sense, pharma meds serve a very good purpose in keeping the majority of the population alive.  Most people have no idea that the food that they are eating is what is keeping them diabetic. 

I have witnessed first hand the power of food and natural medicine.

Through my mom, I've learned that synthetic drugs are really bad for the human body.  My mom's system is super sensitive.  She can only eat pure food.  Nothing pre-packaged, NOTHING at all.   It may sound daunting at first but it's really not hard to make your own food.  I do make everything from scratch, fresh ingredients and it makes a difference in my families health.  My mom is less demented and we are all losing weight.  We are all looking younger as each day passes.  It's exciting.

Food is medicine.  Food is our first line of defense against disease.  We all need to take responsibility for ourselves.  If you have dementia, you better hope someone gives a shit about you and takes on the responsibilty of your proper nutrition... it will keep you from being in a nursing home.  If you haven't visited one lately, visit one, it will scare the shit out of you.  Once there, picture yourself being one of the people screaming out to you to take them with you.  It sucks.  NO wonder no one visits Seniors in nursing homes. 

I HATE NURSING HOMES I am doing everything in my power to help my mom so that she can continue to live her with me.  The natural supplements, as long as she takes them every day, she does awesome.  The natural supplements help to keep her in the present where we all exist together. 

My mom, the lady who was a hard core diabetic, now has a normal A1C of 5.4.  She eats chocolate and ice cream.  I believe gluten is the big trouble maker for most people, especially if you have a big belly.  This was the trouble for my mother and me.  We have been gluten free for about six months.  I feel fabulous.  My mom is lighter than she's been in decades, lots of decades.  One of her dreams has come true, she can fit into all of my cloths.  I've given her reign over my closet because everything is too big for me now because I'm shrinking. 

Shrinking is cool.

My entire life I have considered myself a big person.  I have fought the battle of the buldge my entire life, holding an image of myself which made me believe I was fat even when I was average sized.  I have ALWAYS had a big belly.   Now I know it was because I am gluten intolerant.

Gluten causes inflamation in a lot of people.  It brings on all sorts of ailments, appearing to be serious illnesses. It makes me wonder if the mass producers of the grains are in cahoots with the pharmaceutical companies, working to keep everyone sick so that they need to be on the Pharmaceutical Subscription Plan. 

If you want to eat the store bought stuff, the processed foods that are advertised as being easy and "convenient", then the pharmaceutical companies serve a great purpose for you.  The pharma drugs are the synthetic drugs that work hand in hand with the packaged "foods", the fake food. 

Fake Drugs for Fake Food, makes sense.  

Empty processed food leaves you malnourished and hungry.  You eat more.  You get fatter and fatter until you hate looking at pictures of yourself.  You find that you are the picture taker; keeps you out of the pictures.  Bummer, you are robbing your kids and grandchildren of memories.  Priceless pictures to remember you by when you are pushing up daisies.

I know this to be true because I have millions of pictures to prove my theory, a truth for me.  Is it true for you?

How do you help yourself get out of your health rut?  How do you get off the current health grid and on to a healthier life, free from the pharmaceutical prescriptions subscription plan?

See a Naturopath Doctor as soon as you can!

For the last 100 plust years Naturopathic Medicine has been debunked as not working.  This claim came from the new pharmaceutical companies.  Wooo Hooo Capitolism! 

We are never told about Naturopaths who work with Medical Doctors to help us to heal our bodies naturally.  It's not advertised.  Naturopaths are trained to understand how natural remedies work with the human body to help it heal.  Naturopathic Doctors believe in gentle healing, slow and gradual.  The idea isn't to stay on the medicine forever; you're only on it as long as you need it.  Brilliant.  We don't have to go broke... it's a big time answer to the rising healthcare cost crisis in this country.  

How do you find a Naturopath?

My big question was where do I find a Naturopath?  I searched and found the American Association of Naturopathic Physicians.  You enter your zip code and a list will appear and from there you can select.

A Naturopath will help you to navigate your health, helping you to restore the balance in your body. 

Food is our first line of defense.  Eat natural foods.  Grow a garden.  Make food preparation a fun ritual.  Involve your family.  If you need to learn how to cook all over again, there are MD's writing books and have websites to help us.  Dr. John La Pluma has a fabulous website where you gives video instructions.  His website is easy to navigate and you will find lots of recipes to get your started.

I am writing recipes.  I've learned how to cook all over again.  I've made my food preparation my sacred time.  The chopping and dicing, the sizzling and the aroma of the spices and herbs contribute to an aura of peace in the house.  Our food is made with love and ingredients which are healing to the mind, body and spirit.

Natural Medicine works.  It works better than the pharmaceutical drugs that are made with synthetics.  Synthetics that poison the body and cause inflammation, inflammation that makes us sick and need more drugs.  Natural remedies have few negative side effects. 

Food is Medicine.  Pay attention to what you eat and before you know it you will begin to look and feel younger than you've felt in decades. 

Find a Naturopath Doctor.  We have one that we see here in Massachusetts that is fabulous.  Dr. Barton at the Winchester Natural Health, has helped my mom a lot.  He has helped her to get off almost all pharmaceutical drugs and onto natural remedies with little to no side effects. 

An important note, every body is different which is why a ND is needed, they are trained to know how the natural remedies work with the body. 

It's possible to get control of your health and get off the pharma grid.  It all begins with you taking responsibility for your health and making the committment to yourself.

A Gift of Time

Today is my mother-in-laws birthday, she is 86 but doesn't look it or act her age. Rachel is a very young 86 who does Crossword Puzzles and other puzzles like Suduko.  She is up on politics and has a computer that she knows how to use.  The computer fills her days with lots of enjoyment.

I'm grateful that she has a strong mind and a fairly healthy body.  Somedays, I really don't know what I'd do with out her help.  I love my Mother-in-love.

I love Birthdays. 

I love being with Birthday people.  Something about birthday's is magical, regardless of the weather or time of year.

Originally I told Rachel that I'd make her any dish she wanted.  She thought about it for a couple of days and told me that she didn't want me to cook, every meal is special that I make for her every day so it wouldn't be a treat.  She wanted me to take her shopping for shoes. 

First I thought, hmmm, let's go out for lunch.  Another thought... hmmmm... I wonder if Brian can suprise his mom and meet us at the restaurant.  That's exactly what we had planned this morning, the perfect gift for his mom, lunch and shopping. 

With this plan in place, I didn't need to prepare any lunch for my husband this morning, nor did I have to prepare lunch for the moms and me.  Let's see, who's birthday is it today? 

Once we were in the car I said, "Ok, we'll go to the restaurant first and then we'll go to the Off Broadway Shoe store and then to Roche Brothers for a few things for dinner with our last stop being the Mall."

Rachel, not liking the plan said, "Well, you need to go to the bank too.  Why don't we just go to the Bank first, then the shoe store and we can then have lunch."

"Oh no!" I thought to myself.  I can't argue with her, not today, it's her birthday and I have a rule, anything goes on your birthday.  I remember years ago owning a huge button that read:  TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY AND I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT."   Definitely words that I live by and have lived by for decades.

My mother-in-law knows my rule and also knew that I wouldn't argue with her, it is her day and she calls all the shots.

I had to spill the beans. 

"Ummm, well you see, we have to go to the Restaurant first.  Brian is meeting us there for lunch as a surprise for your birthday." I said to her sheepishly.

I don't know if she looked surprised or disappointed because the surprise was ruined. 

We got to the parking lot of the restaurant and I found a parking spot up close, the spot next to the handicapped parking.  I said to Rachel, "Wow, Birthday Magic, we got a spot."

Rachel said, "Ya, and you didn't have to do your Hail Mary thing."  Every time we go out shopping and I can't find a parking spot I sing a little jingle that my pen pal's mother sings when she's looking for a parking space it goes like this:

"Hail Mary Full of Grace, Help Me Find a Parking Space!"

Today I didn't need Mary's help, it was Rachel's birthday.  Birthday Magic must over ride asking Mary for a parking space because we got a great spot.

In any event, we had a nice lunch, the 4 of us.  The waitress was awful, she forgot about us and I kept having to get up and ask for things.  It took forever for her to give us our bill so that we could pay and get on our way.  Obviously the women didn't realize that she was holding us up from shoe shopping, or she may have been more attentive toward us.

I love Shoes.

Brian went back to work and the moms and I went on a shoe shopping mission.  Again we got a great parking space and once more, no need to bother Mary for a parking space.  Yay Rachel!

The shoe store didn't have anything for my mom or me.  Rachel found a cute pair of shoes which she bought.  I was happy that she found a pair.

Our next stop was the supermarket to pick up a few items for dinner.  The three of us quickly ran around the store, picking up the things we all wanted.  I still can't believe that we were in and out within 20 minutes, that is a record for us.

Now, it was snowing.  The girls were getting tired so we headed back home.  I promised Rachel to take her to the Mall one day next week.  Maybe we can pick up Jay and bring her along too.  Jay couldn't make it today.

Rachel had a great birthday.  She told me on the drive home that she thought she wanted to be left alone today but she's glad I insisted on spending the day with her, she had a great birthday.  Much better than she imagined.

I couldn't buy her anything, I don't have a job.  All I could give her was some of my time.  In hindsight, the gift of time to any senior is more valuable than anything that money can buy. I'm happy to spend my time on the people I love because in the end, everyone is left happy.

Next time you don't know what to get for someone who has everything or doesn't need anything, give them your time;  there's no better present than the gift of time.

A Visit from Ed

In our house last night, no one woke up in the middle of the night, no one, not even my mom.  Nothing like being able to sleep through the night without interuption; this morning I woke up awake and refreshed. 

Today is a GREAT Day!

Sleep absolutely helps my mom's mental state.  If she sleeps at night, the following day is always a great day for her and everyone around her. 

I was up before my mom this morning.  I put on the coffee, fed the hungry kittens and turned on the news to get the weather report.  It will be a cold day with about an inch of snow predicted. 

Quietly I walked down the hall that leads to my mom's bedroom so that I could check on her.  I still have this deep rooted fear from when I was a kid where I need to check to see if she's alive.  She was.  I turned up the heat in her room and went back to our sitting room to have a few minutes of quiet time.  I love the early morning when everyone is asleep except for the cats and me. 

Early morning is a sacred time.

The sound of the furnace heating the house, the creeks in the walls and the ticking clocks, is the morning song that soothes me.  Early morning brings peace to my soul.  Today is a GREAT day because I had a few minutes to fill my soul with the sacred sounds of my home. 

Peace.

My mom, she woke up but she didn't leave her room right away.  I looked down the hall and saw her feet, she was up and sitting in one of the chairs in her room.  I went in and greeted her.

"Good morning Ma.  How did you sleep?"  I said to her.

My mom with wild looking eyes, she wasn't quite awake yet, started to whispher, "Shhhh, be very quiet, Eddie... he's here, he's sleeping.  I only have one bed so I gave it to him." 

I wanted her to continue, I know she loves talking about my dead brother.  "Oh, well isn't that nice that Ed is visiting you.  Is he scaring you?"

"Oh no.  He sits in the chair right there and smiles at me all day long.  He never talks, just smiles." she said with a softness in her face that told me that the visits she is experiencing from Ed are making her happy.

Out of nowhere she says, "I think Eddie had a date last night, he came in late.  I gave him my bed."

My mom, began to wake up but not before she had a chance to tell me about my dear brother Ed and his visits.  She believes he's here because he leaves an indentation in the back of the leather chair.  Not wanting to shatter her belief, I went along with it and told her to enjoy Ed's visits, that he is here to protect her and keep her company. 

My mom said, "Oh, I talk to him all the time, but he just smiles." my mom said as she gave her best impression of Ed's smile.  She nailed the expression, maybe Ed really is here, helping me from the other side?

Thanks Ed, you are still a wicked good brother even if you did die way too young. 

Jay's Prayer

Last night, I called Jay.  It was a spiritual emergency.  I needed her to call God from her prayer chair and help her little Josie.

Jay Prayed.

Jay and my mom have been best of friends since my mom became Jay's Sister-in-law. 

Every Sunday my dad would drive us to Chelsea to visit Jay and my Grandmother.  Jay was Baci's caregiver; I learned first hand as a little girl what I'm supposed to do as an adult... take care of my parents.  It's the logical thing to do, care for our own, there's even a commandment that covers it, "honor thy mother and father."

Yersterday, my mom took all the supplements and the berry juice that our ND prescribed.  I gave my mom some helleborus last night when she asked me if I could see the lady sitting in her chair; the hallucinations stopped.  As day turned to night, my mom's wild eyes softened.  I watched her come back to life after taking the 4th dose of Cognifactor.  She'll take it 3 times a day, before each meal. 

Today my mom is having a good day.  She woke up at 4:30am, a little early but not like the previous nights where she was up walking around all night long.  This morning we visit the eye doctor.  They want to do cataract surgery on her.  She's been taking supplements that are supposed to help dissolve the cataract.  Today we'll find out if it's working.  I think it is.  My mom hasn't complained about not being able to see in a couple of months.

Jay's prayer for my mom appears to have worked,

Or was it Shakti who slept with my mom for most of the night?

Or... was it just the Cognifactor kicking in? 

In any event, Jo is back!  Thank God.

The Prayer Chair

When all else fails, PRAY!  That's what every recovering Catholic would do, pray.  Unless of course you have an Aunt Jay, then you call Jay.

Here's how the call went.

"Hello?"

"Hey Jay, it's Sue!  Sorry it took me so long to call you back."  Jay called on New Year's and talked to my mother.  I was going to call her back and explain our new Crazyland.  It was so intense here I never got a chance to call Jay, until today.

"Susan!  That's OK.   Thanks for calling."

Jay was eating dinner.

"I'm having my lunch."  Jay says to me. 

"Your lunch? You mean your dinner."  I said.

"No, it's my lunch.  I bought an Italian Sub today and ate half for lunch and the other half of my lunch for dinner so it's my lunch... "  Jay proclaims as she lets out a laugh.  Jay cracks herself up, she always has and she's still sharp as a tack at 85 going on 86.  Church is her life. 

I told Jay about my mom and how she's had a rough few days.  I explained the details to her about the coat and her grasping her purse.  I was near tears telling Jay about my mom's fast decline.  It was so sudden.  I want to cry but I won't allow myself to cry.  In a sense I feel like I've failed, but I know I won't fail as long as I don't quit.  I can if I think I can has got to be my motto for care giving. 

Jay says, "Oh Susan.  I was just thinking of your mother and I was going to my prayer chair to pray for her right after I ate my luch... (followed by a burst of laughter, Jay found her joke hillarious.) ... tell your mother that I'm going to my prayer chair.  She remembered my prayer chair last week when I talked to her.  Tell her I'm going to my chair right now.  I will say the complete Rosary for her."

"Ok Jay, I'll tell my mom that you are going to the chair."  We both got my joke and we both laughed out loud.

Then we did the 5 minute goodbye.  Jay loves the last word so I like to see how long I can get her to do the "I love you" goodbye.  I can make her go on for awhile, today I kept it at 5 minutes.  I needed her to get to that prayer chair.

I checked on my mom about 5 minutes after hanging up and her eyes are not wild and inhabited looking.  She is back.  I gave her some blackberry ice cream with 5 drops of fenugreek.  She is watching America's Funniest Videos, with Shakti the kitten sitting next to her... she must be giving her Shakti!

Now is it the kitten helping my mom or is it Jay in her prayer chair?  What's your vote?

Just Another Day in Crazyland

The last 7 days have been hell.  Period.  My mom has not been sleeping at night; she has her days and nights confused.  We haven't been in this confusing place for months and I really don't like being back here.

Our trouble all began last week when I realized that I didn't have a spare bottle of her natural supplement for cognition, Cognifactor.  I try to keep a spare bottle at all times.  I had 2 bottles, unopened in her box of supplements.  The Cognition supplements and the Blood Pressure supplements are in the same sized bottle, same color cap.  I assumed I had one bottle of each.

WRONG!

I had 2 bottles of high blood pressure supplements and NO MORE COGNITION supplements.  I called and ordered some immediately.  Unfortunately it was the day of New Year's Eve and we would not get a new supply until Tuesday of the following week.  I had to make it 6 days on a 3 day supply.  I started to ration my mom and cut her down to one cognifactor.  I didn't want to have her without anything for a few days so this seemed like the most logical solution.

I planned meals that would require I use mind herbs, turmeric, thyme, rosemary and black pepper.

Immediately after not taking a full dose of Cognifactor, I noticed a huge difference in my mom's behavior.  She was worse than ever.  Hallucinations returned with a vengence.  My mom began to sleep walk every time she took a nap or went to bed at night.  She dosed off all day long and was awake all night. 

It is nearly impossible for her to undress and dress herself this past week but in the middle of the night, no problemo... she could even zipper her jacket, something she can't do anymore, even on a good day.  Throughout her episodes of dementia, she clutches her purse as though her life depended on it. 

There were lots of people around here yesterday... that's what she told me today, "lots of them," she added.  I don't know if it was because we grew up on Lloyd Street but man, she is horrified about theivery and hallucinates about it.  

My mom is slipping deeper into her Crazyland. 

I don't want to go there with her; never do I want anyone that I love or know to go to where she is.  Being an outsider looking in, attempting to help her maintain a sense of oneness with her environment, is frightening.  My mom gets scared.  Her eyes wide with terror, looking at every picture as though it carried a million faces who's only job is to scare the shit out of her.  How does one fight the fright?  That's my big question these days, I don't have any answers.

Today we visited our Naturopath. 

My mom was fidgetting and digging in her purse while the doctor talked to her.  He was asking her questions.  She wouldn't look at him.  She had her little silver purse on his desk as she was going through her checkbook.  I finally stopped her and asked her to pay attention to the doctor.  Her reply, "Oh, I can do two things at once." 

Both the doctor and I almost laughed out loud.  My mom had changed.  It was a drastic change since our last visit.  My mom wanted me to talk, she didn't want to answer any questions.  I wouldn't speak, I wanted her to talk and answer the doctor's questions.

The Cognifactor supplements arrived.  She's back on them as of today.  She's also on a berry juice once a day.  The doctor gave her a new exercise to try.  To take some straws, one at a time and walk them down the hall and put them in another room.  She's to do this until all the straws are in one room. 

Later I got to thinking about this exercise, I'll have to be sure that I'm there to make sure she doesn't get mixed up and finds herself walking in circles.

Last night my mom was up a lot.  I tucked her in at 8pm as I usually do and just as I was going to sleep at 9pm, my mom was up and dressed, ready to go somewhere.  She is stuck on the phrase, "Well, you know I have a lot to do."  I really don't know what she's got to do, but in her demented mind, it's a shit load of stuff.

I got her to get her nightgown back on and tucked her back in bed.  I went to sleep too, I needed a good snooze.

10pm.  My mom was up again and fully dressed in the kitchen.  My husband was still awake so he greeted her and got her to go back to bed. 

No such luck.

My mom stayed awake.  She sat in the dark in her bedroom, with only the small Christmas tree lit.  It was the only light she knew how to turn on.

1 am... I hear noises.  Up the stairs, turn the corner and there's my mom, fully dressed with her coat on and clutching her purse.  I couldn't believe it.  "Ma!  It's 1 in the morning... go back to bed... please!!!!"  I did raise my voice, I was (still am) exhausted.  It's a constant challenge to remind myself to not take anything she does or says personally, but last night... I did. 

Now, we'll see if the increase in Cognifactor helps her.  She was doing so well for so long.  I suppose it lulled me into a false sense that she was being cured.  I realize now that she'll never be cured.  All we can do is help her to feel happy and loved.  She responds well to happiness and love, exactly what I figured out a couple of months ago. 

My mom's good days or bad days all boil down to me, the Care Giver.  My attitude matters.  Oh does it matter.  Phone calls make a huge difference too.  Yesterday my brother called and she was talking about it right up to the time she went to bed (the first time.)  Thanks for calling.  She thought I made you do it.  I told her that it was your idea and she gave a big smile and said, "Oh, I love Marty."

I'm hopeful that my mom will go to the Blaire House for a couple of days a week as the doctor prescribed today.  She really needs it.  I need the time away from her so that I can get my life in order for when my Care Giving Project is over.  The last thing I want to do is say, "shit, now what do I do."  However, I doubt that will happen.  I'm an idea generator!

Here we are just another day in Crazyland.

I Wish I Knew Her Expiration Date

One would never know our kittens had spay and neuter surgery yesterday, they have been running around since they got home.  The kittens are rambunctious and disturbed my sleep last night.  If it wasn't my mom waking me it was the kittens.

My mom, she's been more demented than usual.  I ran out of Cognifactor.  It should arrive today.

According to my mom, I'm the problem.  I don't see it that way, of course.  My mom is the problem and I'm at the end of my rope today.  I am tired.  For several days she's been up every night walking around and squeaking the floor.  She thinks people are at the door knocking. 

I absolutely despise when I wake up to find her completely dressed in the dark of the morning, thinking she's going somewhere.  This morning, I woke up and found her walking around dressed with her coat on.

Today, I feel like admitting her to a nursing home.  She's very difficult and I don't feel like doing this anymore.  Winter is a tough season, it's hard to get out.  We had snow for several days in a row so I didn't take her out anywhere.

Yesterday the sun was shining and the snow had stopped. I took her out shopping so that she could buy herself some new cloths that fit.  My mom is disagreeable with me these days and doesn't listen to me at all.   Her favorite word is NO, just like a 2 year old.   She hates everything that I cook for her, she isn't eating.  She wants pasta and bread.  I am ready to give it to her and send her to a nursing home.

In the store yesterday, I would call and wave to her to follow me and she would walk toward a stranger that she thought was me. 

Getting into the truck is always an adventure when I take my mom out in it.  I like her to wait before hopping into the truck so that I can make sure she doesn't slip and fall.  Well, yesterday she didn't wait.  She slipped and nearly fell flat on the ground.  She hung on to the grab bar on the truck with half her body parrallel with the ground, ready to come crashing down on her back and her head.  I was able to catch her before we had a serious situation.

My mom makes me crazy when I'm tired.  Today I am tired.

I have a problem alright, it's my mother.  How do I get her to do things without me? How do I get her to want to go to Blaire House so that I have a few hours respite?  If she doesn't want to go, the respite benefits go out the window when she returns home.  She can be a huge bitch when she wants to be.  Today, she wants to be a bitch and I'm ready to drive her to a nursing home and leave her for good.

Unfortunately there's no reasoning with the demented mind.  I have to ride this out.  I also need to remember these times with her so that when my mom does die, I will jump up and dance instead of falling down and crying. 

I wish I knew her expiration date.

We're Back On Track

It was a rough weekend for my mom only in the sense that she had way more "visitors" than she has been having since Dr. Barton got her set up with her natural supplements. 

The supplements, they help keep hallucinations away as well as keep her from having Uncle Al type behavior. Uncle Al has a similar diagnosis as my mom.  He's in a nursing home and taking the pharmaceutical drugs.  Uncle Al has a lot of confusion and has trouble walking on dark floors. 

Dark Floor Shuffle

When my mom was on less of the Cognifactor, she did what I like to refer to as the "dark floor shuffle."  She (like Uncle Al) would put her foot in front of her and check to be sure that it was a floor and not a big hole.  I use this behavior as a gauge, when my mom does this shuffle on dark floors, hallucinations are not far behind.

Today, my mom is having a good day.  She slept through the night, unlike the past several nights, she was up a lot.  Not even the Ashwagandha could keep her asleep.

In conclusion on this topic, it's not just one supplement that is helping my mother, it's a group of them.  I am writing a post about her supplements and what they do to help her.   Food is medicine... food, spices and herbs are also part of her health plan.  Everything combined is helping my mom to have more good days than bad, we're back on track.

Observation: Cognifactor Makes a HUGE Difference

My mom is demented, somedays more than others.  The holiday made me screw up and leave my mom short on the natural supplement for her daily cognition - Cognifactor.  My mom takes 2 per day.  I placed the order and made every effort to attempt to get a new supply, but no luck.  We need to wait until Tuesday for delivery.

On Wednesday last week I realized we were low and I would run out on Saturday (yesterday) if I didn't start to ration.  Instead of 2 per day for the last 3 days, I gave her 1 per day for the last 3 days.

The last 3 days have been days of chasing around hallucinations and banishing them from our property once and for all.  Hmmmm.... could it be the Cognifactor? 

Could this stuff really work miracles for Alzheimer's patients?

My mom's sleep has been disturbed since only having one Cognifactor per day instead of 2.  My New Year's Eve was interupted and every night so far this year.... all because I didn't have a spare bottle of the Cognifactor supplement.  Damn!  I really thought I had an extra bottle.  Instead, I had 2 extra bottles of the natural supplement for her high blood pressure.

For the last few days I've been experimenting with herbs and spices.  I've upped the amount of cumin and coriander, garlic, thyme, parsley, turmeric and black pepper.  I was doing everything that I could to ease my mom's inner inflammation with food, after all, food is medicine. 

It seemed to work.  My mom wasn't aggitated.  I gave her lots of helleborus through out the course of the last 3 days.  It kept the hallucinations at bay.  Well, it kept them away once I told her that the mother of the hallucinations came to claim her children. 

Today, was the morning that I knew she would be back to 2 Cognifactors.  If I wouldn't be a monkey's auntie... the supplements work!  My mom hasn't hallucinated all day. 

Well, can I still claim victory after this incident...

My mom thought the kittens toy mouse on the kitchen floor was real, she squeeled, I jumped and squeeled louder, the kittens ran for cover and I told my mom to get out from under foot...

"Get out of the kitchen for God's sake!"

I don't know but if I didn't know any better, I swear to God my mom is getting back at me for all those years when I was a little kid under foot in her kitchen.

Cognifactor.  Go to a Naturopath Doctor and ask if it's right for your loved one.  It's freaking amazing how it works for my mom and there are no side effects!  My mom is even eating my food again, she's not so damn fussy as she has been.

Love NOW... It's All That Matters

It's been a long time since my dad was alive and breathing above ground.  Who knows what becomes of any of us after death... I like to believe that Dad's spirit is still alive, watching over us.  Hey, I see the signs he places for me to see, it's got to be true!

My dad had a lot of wisdom, even if he did drop out of school in ninth grade.  Maybe his dropping out of school contributed to his wisdom?  Dad was wise, he died too young at 49 from pancreatic cancer.  His life ending too quickly.  He went back to school in 1970, got his GED and an Associates Degree.  He was proud.  We were all proud.

During the 18 + years that I was able to spend with my dad, he taught me invaluable lessons.  The one lesson that he harped on was family.  He believed and preached to his children to stick together like a proverbial broken record. 

My dad worried about his family and what would become of us after he passed.  He knew he was dying, his time on Earth was coming to an end.  "stick together!" he would say, "your family are your only true friends."

Who knew?

I come from a good sized Polish and Italian family.  Our Polish side was the family we spent our time with, our mom's dad was dead and her mother and sister where institutionalized for mental illness. 

Looking back, I am starting to understand that all those trips to Harold Parker on Sunday to go mushroom picking, were designed to help build our committment to eachother, to family.  No wonder I loved those walks in the woods with my dad, bringing Baci my brown bag of wild mushrooms to sort and looking for button mushrooms with my mom, she only liked a certain type of wild mushroom.  We had fun.

During my walks in the woods with my dad he would talk about his neice and nephews.  He loved his nephews and neice very much, but worried that they would be separated over their parents passing.  Fighting.  Squabbling.  Bickering.  All things my dad did not want to happen with his children. 

"Susie" he would say, "I don't want you kids to fight like my sister's kids... I want you to understand that your family are your only true friends.  We will love you no matter what.  Your family will love you if you do stupid things in life... they are the only ones who really care about you.  You need to stick together.  Don't be like your cousins."

I listened to my dad, like I always did, but this day, as we walked in the woods, he had a sense of urgency in the tone of his voice.  His biggest fear was to have his kids separated and arguing.  He didn't like it in his nephews and neice but didn't know what to do to stop it.

My dad, he made me believe that our family was different, that we were leaders. 

I believed him.

30 + years have passed since my walk in the woods with dad.  I never forgot the lesson that he taught that day.  It's the main reason I got so nuts about my family staying away.  I remembered what dad had told me, I remembered his biggest fear about his kids and I took it as a personal challenge to keep my family together.

Forgiveness

Families all have their troubles, it's why we need to stick together.  Family helps ease the pain of sadness from something or a major life event.  Family gives us a sense of community and a feeling of belonging to something.  Humans need eachother, period.  I don't care who you are, you will need your family at one time or another.  If you don't have one, you will know the pain of being alone ... it sucks.

We need to forgive eachother, especially family members.  Old shit like resentment from a past deed is the past, let it go.  It's this old stuff that my dad talked about which he believed to be the poison which destroys families, families that need to stick together in order to get through the tough times.

Now is all that matters. 

My dad often said to me, "Susie, NOW is all that matters.  Yesterday is history, you can't do anything about it.  Tomorrow hasn't happened, it may never happen, we could all die before it gets here.  Live for right NOW because you know it exists.  It's now.  Live."

Years after my dad imparted his wisdom on me, I remember his NOW talk as though it was a recent memory.  I've lived these words of his, especially when everything in my life seemed to suck out loud.  Living in the moment does more than bring inner peace, it also brings with it gifts that would otherwise be lost.  When we stop and smell the flowers of life, we take the opportunity to see what's around us.  Often, we are given gifts from the Universe, signs from above that will bring love and peace. 

Love NOW opens doors.

It all begins with us, each of us.  We can chose to close our hearts and cast stones of blame, but what good does it do?  It causes us to live in the past and fester resentment and hurt.  The only one who really suffers is YOU, the pig headed stubborn moron.  We are all a pigheaded moron at one time or another, it just depends if you want to always be that moron.  Do you?  Remember, who cares... your family will always love you even if you are a jerk sometimes.

Turn the other cheek.  Let go.  Let Love.  Love now, it's all that matters.

Preservatives and Hallucinations in LBD Patients

My mom has been hallucinating for the past several days. I give her the homeopathic remedy, Helleborus Niger, 4 pellets at a time to dissolve under her tongue; they eventually chase away the visions.

Her hallucinations aren't scaring her, unlike a year ago when she was woken with night terrors, sleep walking and talking gibberish. A huge difference is that now I understand her hallucinations, I can see a relationship between her hallucinations and foods she eats.

Two days ago I made her a salad and used a dry package of Good Season's Salad Dressing. I mixed it with my own oil and vinegar. I had a feeling that the preservatives would cause my mom a problem; I wasn't certain, so I gave it a shot, I wasn't sure …

Now, I'm sure.

Preservatives in premixed salad dressings, even the dry packages with herbs and spices, appear to affect my mom's brain function and she hallucinates. I am now on a mission to figure out how to make a salad dressing that tastes like Good Season's without the preservatives.

Hallucinations... maybe they are real?

I've decided to go along with my mom's hallucinations, telling her that I've banished the little kids or chased the strange lady away. I told her that I called the kids mother and reprimanded her for not keeping a better handle on her kids. My mom, I love her, she says, "Why did they tell you that they were coming here?"

"Ma, the kids like you a lot. Can you blame them? You are an awesome Grammy and they want you to be their Grammy." I said to her with the most convincing face and tone of voice I could muster up.

My mom replies, "Oh. OK. I can see why they are coming."

I continued and said, "I asked their mom to tell the kids to leave you alone because they bother you." She said, "Oh, they don't bother me, I just worry that they are going to get hurt."

That seemed to work last night to get her to go to sleep.

This morning, she was in another panic. There were 2 new girls in her bathroom. Again I told her that I'd check the situation out. I went into the bathroom and closed the door. I came out and said, "Oh, don't worry, the girls got lost, they were on the wrong street. You won't see them again."

I'm noticing that the less preservatives of any kind that my mom ingests, the fewer hallucinations she experiences.

Hypothesis: For better days and nights that are hallucination free, preservatives of all kinds must be eliminated from ones diet, especially if the individual is suffering from Lewy Bodies Dementia.

Observation: I have noticed that with my mom's condition, she is super sensitive to all foods that are not naturally grown. Preservatives will always bring on hallucinations; sometimes they are intense where she's freaking out, out of breath, panicked. Then there are times she believes that we have extra rooms or new kitchen appliances in her bedroom.

Last night, my mom went to bed clutching her purse for dear life. I went in to check on her and asked her why she was hanging onto her purse. She said something about the kids stealing her money.

I made believe that I was Nurse Sue and said to her, "Oh Josephine, your purse will be safer if you let me lock it up in your closet." It took a few minutes of coaxing but I got her to give me her purse but not without her throwing in, “… Well, I’ll check my purse tomorrow and all my money better be in there!”

New Year's Eve 2009 Celebration - Why Hello Lewy!?

New Year’s Eve 2009, I wanted to personally escort this year out and welcome in 2010; the decade where I believe my husband and I will really begin to live our lives together.

Magic in the Air, this is it!

Last night was a special night because it was the end of a decade, one where there were some pretty tough challenges to surmount. But we got through them; we came out on the other side of the troubles stronger and better. All of the events from this past year left my mind focusing on one thing, “Well, let’s just kiss this year GOODBYE!”

Dinner last night, I wanted it to be extra special. I bought a beautiful piece of Wild North Atlantic Salmon with the intention of making Salmon with a Lemon Butter Sauce and Asparagus. I spent too much time cleaning and writing yesterday’s blog post that I was running late on dinner.

One of my tricks when this happens is to make the mom’s a salad to get them started and keep them out of the kitchen. I had their favorite lettuce, Iceburg variety, tomatoes and cucumbers. I whipped up an Italian Vinaigrette dressing and served both moms’ and my husband a salad.

One by one, first my mom comes out to the kitchen with her dish. “Hey don’t you have any Feta cheese?” I wasn’t at an extremely crucial step for the Salmon dish I was preparing so I stopped and put some cheese on her salad. Off she walks back to her room with her dish.

I say, “Ok Ma, just keep your dish in the room, I need everyone out of the kitchen.” She walks like she heard me.

Within 30 seconds, my husband comes up from downstairs with his dish, “mmmmm… that was good!” I turn and say, “Please you need to stay out of the kitchen.” He quickly puts his dish in the dishwasher and runs like the wind.  Very smart man.

Another 30 seconds passes, out comes my Mother in Law. “Oh boy, now that was good!”

Really?!

“Ok, just leave your dish. Come on. I will never get this meal prepared if you all keep coming into the kitchen to compliment me on the salad that I gave no thought to throwing together. Now please, stay out of the kitchen!”

Off my Mother in Law runs, smart lady, I see where my husband gets his intelligence.

I was pretty hungry and each interruption was keeping me from eating my special Salmon dinner that I had planned for 2 days. Anyone who knows me, if I'm hungry you better stay away.  Our moms and my husband must have forgotten because they all had their "hold you over salad."  I didn't.  I was hungry.

Another 30 seconds passes.

“Don’t Do it!”

I hear my Mother-in-law say once more, "Don't Do IT!"

Next thing I know, in she comes with my mom’s empty salad dish, followed by my mom saying, “Is that all we are having for dinner? I’m still hungry.”

Oh come on! I am now at the crucial part of the recipe. I didn’t want the butter to separate; it’s a fine line to go from perfection to overdone with fish recipes. Last night, I was determined to have a perfect piece of fish with lemon butter sauce.

Once again I chased everyone out of the room. I did not see the humor, my hunger pains were making me feel like a lioness ready to pounce on her prey.

Everyone finally was served their perfect fish with a fine lemon butter sauce. It was perfection.

I ate alone. I wanted to sit and enjoy my dinner by myself in the dining room, so I did. It was amazing. I thought about the events leading up to my fine dinner and began to laugh when I thought of my mother-in-law saying to my mom, “Don’t do it.” She tried to stop her from going into the kitchen again, my ML understood that it was getting late and I was on a mission to make a perfect piece of fish for each of us. But to no avail, my mom was oblivious and kept walking toward the kitchen with her dirty dish.

My ML, she jumped up and took the dish from my mom, she chose to take the “bullet” for her, and she knew I’d probably be upset that once again my dinner preparation was being interrupted.

She was right. But later, once my hunger was squelched with such a superb meal, I found the humor and we all got a very hardy laugh.

Super! Now I can prepare for the evening ahead.

Mission: to stay awake until 12:05 AM

I began to drink lots of water. I knew we would be toasting in the New Year with a bottle of Champagne. From past experience, I know that if I’m fully hydrated I can drink champagne and not have a hangover in the morning.

Drinking my water, I prepared little appetizer snacks for my husband and me. I believed that if we ate food we wouldn’t sleep. I made popcorn shrimp with sesame seeds, sliced up a bit of fine cheddar from Australia, dark chocolate and fruit was placed on dishes. Fancy like a real cocktail party.

My husband, he even helped in the kitchen in order to pass the time together. It was fun. I taught him how to devein shrimp. He is a quick learner and helped speed up the appetizer preparation.

11:45pm… only 15 more minutes for this decade … Hurry!

We finished our snack and rushed downstairs to pop the cork on the Champagne and watch the big screen TV. I wanted to see the new ball drop. Dick Clark was on TV, he was in rough shape, but it was nostalgic, I had to see the ball drop. 2 minutes and counting…

Squeak, Squeak, Squeak

My husband and I look at each other and start to laugh, no way... what impeccable timing for a hallucination! I rush up the stairs. I have 2 minutes to tuck my mom back in bed and see the ball drop in Time Square.

I believe that I can make it.

I get to the top of the stairs to find my mom. She says, “That little kid, he is bothering me.” I didn’t want to tell her that there was no little kid; it would take me past my 2 minute time limit. I escort her to her room to see the kid and tuck her in.

As I entered her room I said, “You, come on, let’s go. Your mom is waiting outside.” My mom, I tucked her in and told her that the kid’s mom was outside to pick him up and Brian was escorting him to the door to make sure he got in the car. That’s all I needed to say, she was in bed and I had 30 seconds to run downstairs before the stroke of midnight. I was going to make it!

Walking to the door to leave my mom says, “Can I have a drink of water.”

I had to make a decision, give her the water or run downstairs. She had water on her nightstand so I handed it to her and rushed away. I sprinted.

I missed it!

I missed the fucking ball dropping after all that preparation.  I did make it back to the room at 12:00:30am. Oh well. We got a really great laugh. Starting off the New Year chasing my mom’s hallucinations was like a scene from a well written sitcom. Thank God for DVR's, we went back in time and I got to see the ball drop.  I got to hear Dick Clark's version of our numbering system, "...14, 12, 10, 11, 10, 9...."  I couldn't stop laughing.

My mom, she gave us another memory, a memory that will make us laugh more than once throughout our lives. Maybe next year I will be able to see the New Year in or maybe next year I should just go to bed at 9pm like I usually do.