I'm Done

Care Giving for a parent is probably the hardest job any person can take on.  Period.

My mom's first answer is always NO.  NO to everything.  The reason?  It's the only thing that she can control, when she says NO and is defiant, she is attempting to take control of her life.  She looks at me as a warden of a sort, someone who doesn't let her do this or that.  I don't let her eat junk food. I don't let her drive... I took her license away.  In her mind I took it away but in reality, she decided to stop driving because she got lost every time she left the yard with her car.

It was a scary time when my mom was driving.  The fights we had over it were horrible; a battle with no victor.  I may have been able to get her to  relinquish her keys but it will always be MY fault that she is not driving.  Even when doctors tell her you can not drive, she insists that she can.  She has a chip on her shoulder with me because in her mind, it's not her that's got a problem, it's me.  My mom keeps threatening me that she's going to have ME removed from MY house.

My mom abuses me verbally and mentally; a life long habit of hers.  She's my mother and knows how to make me cry or hurt my feelings to guilt me into doing her bidding.  She's a bit of narcissist, wanting to cause harm to someone for her own benefit.  My mom has always torn me down in order to build herself up, she still does it to me.  It sucks.

No wonder she's told me in front of my MIL that she "can't stand the sight of me" or "you can't do nothing right."  My MIL laughed, she thought it was funny... I didn't.  It cut me deep like a knife, it hurt and is making me hate my mother.  She will rarely tell me in front of others that she loves me or that I'm doing a good job.  Usually, it's complaints that I hear, complaints that are making me begin to say fuck it, live in a fucking nursing home!

Why do I care?  Why am I putting up with so much bullshit?  Why does she tell others how great I am but to my face she makes me feel like I'm a reject.  It does make me feel bad, mostly because it's my mom, a person that I've been looking for approval my entire life, approval that will never come.

It's time for my mother to go.  I want my life back.   I want to enjoy married life with my husband and make happy memories with him, not memories of Care Giving.  I'm missing out on my own life.  No one is happy, not me, not my husband and not my mother.  

I'm tired of my mother being a bitch toward me for no reason.  I'm tired of being blamed for everything that is bad in her life.  It's not my fault that she didn't take care of herself throughout her life.  It's not my fault that she is antisocial and doesn't have friends.  It's not my fault that she's crazy.

What is my fault is that I have allowed her to take control of our lives.  She controls everything but believes she controls nothing.

This morning she was a bitch.  I don't know why.  I was sitting watching the news when she came into the room upset, upset because she couldn't find her shoes.  She woke up agitated today.

Yesterday, she visited the Adult Day Care facility with Cheryl.  My mom liked the place and was able to feel that she was in control.  She asked questions and seemed to like what she heard.  The Nurse in charge reminded her of a nun that she had when she was a young girl.  The visit went well because I wasn't there checking the place out with her.  We empowered her, we gave her a sense of control which made her happy.

Personally I feel that we have crossed a line.  I am done.  Care Giving sucks.  I don't want to take care of anyone anymore, just myself.  I want to be selfish with my time and use it for things that make me happy.  I can't make anyone happy, it just seems to bring misery to everyone when I do.

Attention family and friends, I am hanging it up... I'm done with Care Giving, especially for old people because they all seem to suck the life out of me.  I'm done!