Boy, Didn't We Look Good?

My mom's birthday celebration was enjoyable.  I enjoyed it because I didn't have to keep an eye on my mom.  For me, I was able to take pictures of everyone, pictures that I can look at when I need to be reminded that I do have a family.  A family that I love.  I am grateful for my family.


Today I want to thank my family for bringing me the opportunity to find the happiness inside of myself.  I needed you all so badly and seeing you melted away all of my troubles associated with our mom.

Thank you.

My mom still doesn't care for me because she believes that I follow her around.  My mom wants her freedom, insisting that she wants her life back daily.  She is angry with me because of her inability to do things that she was once able to do.  Driving is still top on her list of things that she believes that she is capable.  She's not.  I made the mistake of telling her what she can not do instead of what she can do.


I made mistakes when I didn't validate her hallucinations.  I argued with her.  I attempted to bring her back to reality where everyone with a normal functioning brain reside.  The result?  She doesn't like me.  She doesn't smile much when she's with me.  I am viewed as her nursing home warden.  In my mom's mind, she believes that I am keeping her prisoner, taking control of her life, keeping her in my home against her will.


My mom wants to leave.  She doesn't want to stay in my home with my husband and me.  She seems jealous of my MIL who drives.  My mom views everything that is happening to her as unfair (which it is) but she also blames me.  My mom believes that if I just let her have her life back, she'll be able to do everything that she was once able to achieve.

I wish it were possible.

Unfortunately, the demented mind doesn't see it the way that the rest of the world views the mentally ill individual. It also has become apparent to me that the Care Giver is the first one that the patient blames.  It's typical.  I know that most people never look at themselves when there's a problem in their lives, we tend to look outside of ourselves.  It's never us.  My mom is in this place these days, it's not her that is the problem, it's me.


She's agitated with me a lot.  She wakes up and is pleasant toward me and then the next thing I know she's a colossal bitch, blaming me for something that makes no sense at all.


Because my mom views me as the problem, I believe we've gone beyond the point of making amends.  She loves me but also hates me.  It does hurt if I look at the person hating me as my mom.  I know I need to rise above her bullshit.  It's my greatest challenge in life these days, ignoring my mom's loathing for me.


Seeing my family yesterday, helped me to not take my mom's bullshit bait.  We were driving home from Maine last night; my mom began saying things that she knows push my buttons. Buttons that had been causing me to lash back out at her or break down in tears.  On the drive home, I was able to suck it up, keeping a soft even tone with no raised inflections in my voice.  


I found myself saying, "Oh, I am so sorry that you feel that way."  "I'm sorry."  Over and over I needed to remain calm and not get upset.  My mom seemed to want a fight.  I wouldn't give her one.


My mom was upset when we didn't go to my old house in Groveland.  It seemed to set her off when we turned into our driveway.  "I want to go home."  She began repeating.  


"I'll take you home tomorrow.  It's too dark, hot and humid.  Let's rest here tonight."  I said to her.


She was still testy.  Bitching about everything.  She even told me that she didn't like me.  Again I replied, "Oh, I am so sorry that you feel that way.  I'm here to help you, not to be your enemy.  I love you, Ma."


"No you don't!"  She snapped back.


"Ok, I don't.  I'll see you in the morning.  We'll wake up and you can sing, "Good morning!" and I can sing back, "Good morning!"  We'll have coffee and watch the news.  It will be a great day!"  My mother laughed and laughed.  Then she said, "I don't think so."


This morning, she woke up in an OK mood but once she realized that I was the one she doesn't like, she turned on me.  She is a bitch.  I need to suck it up.  I'm tired of eating shit but I know that I need to hang in here until I find a good place for my mom to live.  A place that is far away from me because I seem to annoy the living shit out of her.  Just having me breath the same air seems to make her skin crawl.


There are times my mom loves me, but these times are becoming fewer and fewer.  It's stressful to have someone project so much loathing hatred in my direction.  I want to run away.  I have begun to pray that her number is called and the bus comes for her.  I want to be emancipated from the insanity.


Calm.  I need to remain calm.  I need to get away for an extended vacation.  I need to get away from all Care Giving, even the little bit that I do for my MIL.  I don't want to Care Give anymore.  I'm burned out and the thought of no happy ending has taken up residence in my mind.


My mom won't get better.  She'll decline.  It will only get worse for me.  I'm on the fast track to have her placed in a home where she has more people around her, not just me.  


Yesterday, was the final party.  It is probably the last time we'll all be together with Ma.  The drive to Maine is way too much.  It always twangs her and makes her angry when we come home.  


Last night my husband made an observation, every time my mom comes home from Maine, she thinks she's going to Groveland.  When we don't go to the old house, she gets agitated because it's where she had freedom.  She lost her mind when we moved her; she associates this place as a trap, a prison.

I am grateful for my family and their support.   I'd be lost with out them, all of them, especially my husband.  My dream had come true yesterday.  I wanted my family to get to spend some time with our mom, a time where I could take pictures and movies.  Pictures and movies that we can look at one day down the road and say, "Boy, didn't we look good?"