Just Another Day in Crazyland

The last 7 days have been hell.  Period.  My mom has not been sleeping at night; she has her days and nights confused.  We haven't been in this confusing place for months and I really don't like being back here.

Our trouble all began last week when I realized that I didn't have a spare bottle of her natural supplement for cognition, Cognifactor.  I try to keep a spare bottle at all times.  I had 2 bottles, unopened in her box of supplements.  The Cognition supplements and the Blood Pressure supplements are in the same sized bottle, same color cap.  I assumed I had one bottle of each.

WRONG!

I had 2 bottles of high blood pressure supplements and NO MORE COGNITION supplements.  I called and ordered some immediately.  Unfortunately it was the day of New Year's Eve and we would not get a new supply until Tuesday of the following week.  I had to make it 6 days on a 3 day supply.  I started to ration my mom and cut her down to one cognifactor.  I didn't want to have her without anything for a few days so this seemed like the most logical solution.

I planned meals that would require I use mind herbs, turmeric, thyme, rosemary and black pepper.

Immediately after not taking a full dose of Cognifactor, I noticed a huge difference in my mom's behavior.  She was worse than ever.  Hallucinations returned with a vengence.  My mom began to sleep walk every time she took a nap or went to bed at night.  She dosed off all day long and was awake all night. 

It is nearly impossible for her to undress and dress herself this past week but in the middle of the night, no problemo... she could even zipper her jacket, something she can't do anymore, even on a good day.  Throughout her episodes of dementia, she clutches her purse as though her life depended on it. 

There were lots of people around here yesterday... that's what she told me today, "lots of them," she added.  I don't know if it was because we grew up on Lloyd Street but man, she is horrified about theivery and hallucinates about it.  

My mom is slipping deeper into her Crazyland. 

I don't want to go there with her; never do I want anyone that I love or know to go to where she is.  Being an outsider looking in, attempting to help her maintain a sense of oneness with her environment, is frightening.  My mom gets scared.  Her eyes wide with terror, looking at every picture as though it carried a million faces who's only job is to scare the shit out of her.  How does one fight the fright?  That's my big question these days, I don't have any answers.

Today we visited our Naturopath. 

My mom was fidgetting and digging in her purse while the doctor talked to her.  He was asking her questions.  She wouldn't look at him.  She had her little silver purse on his desk as she was going through her checkbook.  I finally stopped her and asked her to pay attention to the doctor.  Her reply, "Oh, I can do two things at once." 

Both the doctor and I almost laughed out loud.  My mom had changed.  It was a drastic change since our last visit.  My mom wanted me to talk, she didn't want to answer any questions.  I wouldn't speak, I wanted her to talk and answer the doctor's questions.

The Cognifactor supplements arrived.  She's back on them as of today.  She's also on a berry juice once a day.  The doctor gave her a new exercise to try.  To take some straws, one at a time and walk them down the hall and put them in another room.  She's to do this until all the straws are in one room. 

Later I got to thinking about this exercise, I'll have to be sure that I'm there to make sure she doesn't get mixed up and finds herself walking in circles.

Last night my mom was up a lot.  I tucked her in at 8pm as I usually do and just as I was going to sleep at 9pm, my mom was up and dressed, ready to go somewhere.  She is stuck on the phrase, "Well, you know I have a lot to do."  I really don't know what she's got to do, but in her demented mind, it's a shit load of stuff.

I got her to get her nightgown back on and tucked her back in bed.  I went to sleep too, I needed a good snooze.

10pm.  My mom was up again and fully dressed in the kitchen.  My husband was still awake so he greeted her and got her to go back to bed. 

No such luck.

My mom stayed awake.  She sat in the dark in her bedroom, with only the small Christmas tree lit.  It was the only light she knew how to turn on.

1 am... I hear noises.  Up the stairs, turn the corner and there's my mom, fully dressed with her coat on and clutching her purse.  I couldn't believe it.  "Ma!  It's 1 in the morning... go back to bed... please!!!!"  I did raise my voice, I was (still am) exhausted.  It's a constant challenge to remind myself to not take anything she does or says personally, but last night... I did. 

Now, we'll see if the increase in Cognifactor helps her.  She was doing so well for so long.  I suppose it lulled me into a false sense that she was being cured.  I realize now that she'll never be cured.  All we can do is help her to feel happy and loved.  She responds well to happiness and love, exactly what I figured out a couple of months ago. 

My mom's good days or bad days all boil down to me, the Care Giver.  My attitude matters.  Oh does it matter.  Phone calls make a huge difference too.  Yesterday my brother called and she was talking about it right up to the time she went to bed (the first time.)  Thanks for calling.  She thought I made you do it.  I told her that it was your idea and she gave a big smile and said, "Oh, I love Marty."

I'm hopeful that my mom will go to the Blaire House for a couple of days a week as the doctor prescribed today.  She really needs it.  I need the time away from her so that I can get my life in order for when my Care Giving Project is over.  The last thing I want to do is say, "shit, now what do I do."  However, I doubt that will happen.  I'm an idea generator!

Here we are just another day in Crazyland.