One would never know our kittens had spay and neuter surgery yesterday, they have been running around since they got home. The kittens are rambunctious and disturbed my sleep last night. If it wasn't my mom waking me it was the kittens.
My mom, she's been more demented than usual. I ran out of Cognifactor. It should arrive today.
According to my mom, I'm the problem. I don't see it that way, of course. My mom is the problem and I'm at the end of my rope today. I am tired. For several days she's been up every night walking around and squeaking the floor. She thinks people are at the door knocking.
I absolutely despise when I wake up to find her completely dressed in the dark of the morning, thinking she's going somewhere. This morning, I woke up and found her walking around dressed with her coat on.
Today, I feel like admitting her to a nursing home. She's very difficult and I don't feel like doing this anymore. Winter is a tough season, it's hard to get out. We had snow for several days in a row so I didn't take her out anywhere.
Yesterday the sun was shining and the snow had stopped. I took her out shopping so that she could buy herself some new cloths that fit. My mom is disagreeable with me these days and doesn't listen to me at all. Her favorite word is NO, just like a 2 year old. She hates everything that I cook for her, she isn't eating. She wants pasta and bread. I am ready to give it to her and send her to a nursing home.
In the store yesterday, I would call and wave to her to follow me and she would walk toward a stranger that she thought was me.
Getting into the truck is always an adventure when I take my mom out in it. I like her to wait before hopping into the truck so that I can make sure she doesn't slip and fall. Well, yesterday she didn't wait. She slipped and nearly fell flat on the ground. She hung on to the grab bar on the truck with half her body parrallel with the ground, ready to come crashing down on her back and her head. I was able to catch her before we had a serious situation.
My mom makes me crazy when I'm tired. Today I am tired.
I have a problem alright, it's my mother. How do I get her to do things without me? How do I get her to want to go to Blaire House so that I have a few hours respite? If she doesn't want to go, the respite benefits go out the window when she returns home. She can be a huge bitch when she wants to be. Today, she wants to be a bitch and I'm ready to drive her to a nursing home and leave her for good.
Unfortunately there's no reasoning with the demented mind. I have to ride this out. I also need to remember these times with her so that when my mom does die, I will jump up and dance instead of falling down and crying.
I wish I knew her expiration date.
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i feel you.
ReplyDeletei always felt terrible when i would come down at 4 in the morning, to see my grandfather dressed with his jacket on.
it didnt happen often, but it happened often enough to make me extremely sad.
It's a deep sinking feeling that only a Care Giver would know.
ReplyDeleteOur challenge is overcoming the angst that it brings to us. For me, it's humor that helps me over the tough nights. I look for the funny in her behavior and it doesn't hurt so much.
By the way, I found your last blog post about your New Year's Eve celebration to be very funny. Everyone should read it if they need a laugh.
Thanks for making me laugh out loud, I needed it!
I feel your pain, we had SO MANY days and nights like that. You're right, you can only join their world, they don't spend many moments in ours. I could never understand how a man that I had to help stand up, sit down, lay down, change his clothes, could wake me in the middle of the night fully dressed wondering when we were leaving.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy all the moments possible, so that in those moments you feel tired and can't go on, you have something to hold on to.
No one knows the expiration date...ours came much quicker than expected it seemed. At the end of the day, you will know you did your best, and have no regrets.
Take care of yourself. You're in our thoughts and prayers.