13 February 2011
Changing My Focus
I cried. My resistance was compromised. I came down with the flu. Sickness never makes me pleasant, nor does it help my patience quotient. Actually, I am way less patient and have zero tolerance for anyone who isn't helping me to feel better. I became selfish and had begun to have lots of self pity for myself.
Spiraling out of control, my life took a nose dive. I was unhappy, even with my mom going to Day Care 5 days a week. She was gone for 9 to 10 hours a day; I was not happy when I should have felt elation for our progress with getting my mom to socialize. My focus was on the negative, the daily shit cleaning was all that I could think about and it was clouding my vision.
I have so much to be grateful. No longer do I have to carry the burden of caring for my mom alone. I have nurses and aides that help me during the day. My mom, she's socializing. She has a life. She has friends and people that she enjoys seeing. She comes home happy, most days she's super chatty, trying to tell me about something that made her laugh. Usually, she sits and laughs without getting the words out... I need to laugh with her.
I missed sharing her happy moments because my thoughts were stuck; focusing on the negative. It wasn't serving me any good purpose. I was becoming more and more unhappy. My mom, she was becoming more and more difficult for me to provide care. My mom's brightness was turning to darkness because of my attitude.
Blessings. The grace of God around me.... I was missing it. My vision was clouded by the bad stuff that I was experiencing, things that I was creating by focusing on the negative.
Everything bothered me, especially my MIL. My patience and understanding was out the window, gone. I wanted to run away and leave this nut house. However, I do know that we can run but we can never hide from our troubles, facing them head on is the only solution.
In years past, I had studied with a Spiritual Teacher, Prema Baba Swamiji... he is someone who taught me how the mind works and how we create our own reality. I learned the lessons. I felt like I was ready for battle after 10 years of study. I believed that I could handle anything that was thrown at me, handling it with grace.
My personal war came. I fought the good fight. I never gave up as those who've been following my journey with my mom can attest. I had to face so many things about myself, even my selflessness. I questioned my motives. I even wondered if I just plain sucked as a person and I was fooling myself, that I wasn't a very good Care Giver. I turned bitter and negative. ME!? All that I had learned about life and living a happy life appeared to be gone.
I asked for help. I reached out to my Spiritual Teacher. Fortunately, he reminded me who I am and what I am capable of accomplishing in life. He helped remind me that I am in control of my life and my happiness. It's my choice to be happy or miserable. It's all in how I perceive the experiences that I'm living.
My prayers were answered.
My mom, she has another UTI, second one within a month. I knew she had one when she left me a gift, a trail of poop that lead from the bathroom door to the toilet. This time however, I chose to react differently. I let go of my vow. I nullified it and just let it go. It wasn't serving me but adding to my stress and anxiety.
Cleaning up my mom's poop, showing kindness and letting her know that I understand she can't help making these messes, shifted the energy. My mom was calm. She was not so difficult and defiant. I didn't cry or become angry because I was left to do a job that I didn't want to do.
I was reminded that my attitude and mood matters when Care Giving for someone with Lewy Bodies Dementia. My mom is connected to me, she depends on me like a child depends on their mom. Instead of being angry that I have become my mom's mom, I am now grateful that I can be her mom and hold her hand until the day she decides to get on Heaven's Bus.
Changing my focus has helped me to see where I had gone off track. I finally understand what one of my friends wrote on my Face Book page awhile ago; "Sue, see the beauty... there's beauty in everything."
There is beauty, there's grace... it's up to us to see it and sometimes it requires us to change our focus. I'm grateful that I became so ill these past 3 weeks' it opened my eyes. I'm feeling better. My head is clearing and my heart is opening again... all because I made the choice to change my focus.