Today I am 50

It's my 50th birthday.  I expected it to be a grand day, a day where I didn't have to take care of my crazy mother.

It didn't happen.  I should have planned for it instead of expecting others to step in and sue-prise me.  I suppose I expected a miracle.  I made an assumption.

On my birthday today I learned something, if I want something I need to speak up.  I can't expect to be surprised.  I have to do things for myself where my demented mother is concerned, only another Care Giver would know what to do for a fellow Care Giver on her birthday.

The best present anyone could have given me today would have been to take my mom for the day.  It seemed like an obvious gift that could have been given to me, today of all days... but, no such luck.   It's all I really wanted for my birthday.  I wanted a day away to spend it with my husband.  I rarely get to spend time with him.

It didn't happen.  Even birthday's don't magically give Care Giver's a day off, a special day off.  Today is the first day in my life that I've had to work.  I have never worked on my birthday.  Care Giving is a different job, I can't call in well, I can't even call in sick!

So... I'll make the best of today.  I will go and buy myself some lobster, cook it up and eat it until I can't eat another bite.  My mom will be with me all day.  I hope she has a good day.  I am praying for a good day.

I do hope my mom has a better day than the last couple of days.  Yesterday she got mad at our Visiting Angel; my mom wanted to go home... she was already home.  My mom got angry with Cheryl, the way she gets with me when I don't let her do what she wants to do... things that are dangerous, like roaming the streets looking for a home from her past 81 years of life.  A home that she'll never find.

Today is my 50th birthday.  Whoopee.  Big deal... no one really cares... except of course me.  My mom didn't remember... I was totally demented in my thinking, my expectations became my reality.  My unrealistic expectations gave me a gift of disappointment.  Nothing special on the day.. I am all about the day.

I was woken to a squeaky floor and my mom fully dressed; it always starts my day off poorly when I see her ready to head out the door before I've opened my eyes.  Our day is off to a rocky start, it could go either way.

I need to find happiness inside of myself, it's the only thing that I can do to salvage the day.  I suppose 50 years ago my mom was not having a good day when she went into labor, allowing for my debut on Earth as Susan Helen Jarmulowicz.

All I can say is payback is a bitch... today I am 50.