Happy Birthday to Me

"Susan!  Wake up crying go to bed laughing."  I heard the echo of my Baci from years gone by.  My Polish grandmother was great with her one liners, she spoke them in broken English, words I never forgot.  Another treasure she often said to me while I was crying, "Susan!  Cry more... pee less."

Yesterday, on my 50th birthday, I woke up crying.  I was having a pity party for myself because I expected so much more, after all I made it to 50, where was the band playing and ticker tape parade down my street?!

I was disappointed.  I cried.  I felt sorry for myself.

My mom, she felt bad yesterday when she saw me crying.  I didn't have to tell her why I was crying, she knew.  She knew that she was not part of my birthday plans and she felt bad.  "I'll go to the Senior Center."  She said to me in an attempt to get me to stop crying. 

"It's too late."  I said to her.  I needed to put you on the schedule yesterday; yesterday you refused to go and I didn't want to force you.  I cried.

My husband took the day off.  Ideally, I would have liked to spend the day with just my husband and time off from Care Giving.  Time off from cooking and serving every one... it didn't happen.  I cried.

I cried a lot.  My eyes hurt and itched all day from just 2 hours of crying.

Knowing that I had to make the best of my day, that I am the only one who can make myself happy, I lowered my expectations.  I expected nothing so whatever came during the day would be awesome.  I also knew that I needed to cheer up or my mom would be a handful, she reacts to my emotions and I was tetering on the verge of sabotaging my own birthday happiness.

I began to think, "who better to spend my 50th birthday with but my mother, she was there when I took my first breath."  I changed my focus from myself to my mother.

Changing my focus, shifted the energy around me.  It changed from sadness to gratitude.  I am grateful for my mother, I'm grateful that she's alive.  I said to her, "Ma, you gave me life, who better to spend my day with?"  My mom said, "Well, you saved my life too, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you."  We hugged and shed a happy tear.

"Ma, let's go to the fish market, I want to get myself lobster."  I said to my mom.  "Maybe we can stop at TJ Maxx so that you can get me a little memento gift, a gift that I'll remember you long after you are dead so that I always feel you with me." 

My mom scurried off to get ready for our little shopping adventure.  I checked email one last time before heading out and I got an email note from my Sister-in-law.  My brother and her bought me a weekend away at a fine resort in Vermont.  They will take Ma for the weekend so that Brian and I can have a little time away, something that rarely happens these days.  I sobbed. 

My mom seemed a little happier, but still she had a big sad frown on her face.  She felt bad that she was causing me to have a bad birthday and it was going to take a lot of effort on my part to turn her frown upside down.

We headed toward the fish market in Revere and stopped at TJ Maxx.  We looked at bathing suits.  I got one.  I got a new summer dress too.  We checked out the jewelry counter and my mom spotted a necklace that she wanted me to have, a tourquise necklace with big rocks, 3 strands of tourquise... blue... my mom's favorite color.

I tried on the necklace, it felt like a noose. 

My mom, she loved how it looked and wanted me to have it.  I felt a noose was appropriate as a gift.  The necklace will remind me how oppressive Care Giving for a parent can be, but it will also be a reminder that love, no matter how heavy a burden, the power of love gets us through the tough parts of life.  I love my tourquoise noose.

I found the peridot ring that I've been visualizing.  It was in the clearance case, the ring that I had been seeing in my dreams.  It's a little too small, I'll have it sized... but it's perfect.  Exactly what I had wanted for my birthday so I bought it using my husband's credit card.   Happy Birthday to me!!!

It was noon.  Too late to drive to Revere and back, so I stopped in Market Basket to see if they had lobster.  They did, it was only $4.95 a pound so I got 6 lobsters.  I planned on eating every one of them on my birthday... I have been craving lobster since we had gone to Maine a few weeks ago.  I didn't get my fill and now was my chance. 

Summer is lobster eating season in New England.

I'm the only one who likes lobster so I bought Brian king crab legs and a cooked chicken for the mom's.  I got home and served our mom's their lunch, chicken and left over cacciatore from the night before.

Brian had gone out and came home minutes after I got home.  He walked through the door with a beautiful bouquet of cut flowers.  A stunning display of colors, hand delivered by the love of my life.  He went to the store and bought fine wine too, wine to go with my lobster. 

My mom was happy.  I was able to convince her that having her home with me on my 50th birthday was what I wanted, that having her around was perfect.  We went into the pool... she exercised, we laughed, she shivered but stayed in the pool because she knew it was making me happy to see her having fun. 

I made my lobster, all 6 of them.  Brian served me on the patio, lobster and fine wine was divine.  I didn't think I'd eat all of those steamed lobsters, but I did and I sang, "Happy Birthday to me" with every bite.