The Sanity Line is Fuzzy... But She's Happy

My mom is in Maine and we have a couple of days off from Care Giving.  Personally, I enjoy the time away from my mom but I can't help thinking about her.  I wonder how she is and if she's having happy hallucinations about my dad. 

She was excited about going to Maine with my sister, last time she had gone a few weeks ago, she believed that my brother-in-law sleeping on the sofa was my dad.  She wanted my sister to call our Naturopath Doctor so that he could help him, after all, he'd been dead for over 30 years.

Logic is out the window when it comes to someone with Lewy Bodies Dementia.  Their hallucinations are so real that it's difficult for them to distinguish between dreams and reality.  No matter, the more illogical the explanation the more believable it is in the mind of the demented.  All we can do is help her to feel happy so that the hallucinations are pleasant.

Dream Master used to help.  Now my mom gets mad when I call to "bother him."  She tells me that she likes the visitors.  She doesn't like the name Dream Master so we changed it to Sunshine Maker.

In my mom's mind, my dad is "Heaven's Bus Driver."  He drives limos full of newly deceased souls up to heaven.  My mom, she wants to go on the bus with them because she wants to ask my dad to marry her again; she wants to be with him. 

Yesterday, when we were doing a bit of shopping to set her up with food for her little trip up to Maine, my mom told me all about a big party that she had attended.  She talked about this party as though I knew about it. 

"Susie, your dad, he was at the party.  I saw him and he saw me.  He is so good looking, just like when I first met him.  I was chasing him all around the party!"  My mom said to me with a little light in her eyes and a giggle in her voice.  My mom, she misses my dad and wants to be with him, even if she appears to be chasing him.  She is trying to be cool, making him chase her but he won't, he just watches her chase him.

"Do you want to come with me?"  She asked with a big smile on her face. 

"Where are you going?"  I had asked.

Matter of factly she said, "Oh, do you want to come to the party with me?  We can get on the bus.  Your dad will take us in a limo, I saw him driving a limo.  Do you want to come?"  My mom asked.

"No, I'm sorry Ma, I don't want to die.  Once you go you can't come back.  Once we die it's over, our bodies are gone so we can't enjoy the things that we enjoy on Earth.  I'm not ready to die, I just got married for God's sake... I haven't even had a honeymoon yet!  If you want to go you can go but you won't be able to come back."  I tried to explain.

I don't think she can distinguish the line between the living and the dead.  She sees my deceased brother and my father, she talks to them and now they are answering her.  Fortunately, her hallucinations are telling her that they can't eat Earth food. 

My mom is happy.  She talks to me about her visitors, they entertain her and motivate her to exercise; mom walks from window to window, looking and then out in the yard, walking around and looking over the fence to see the new souls waiting for the bus to heaven. 

My mom singing to her MP3 music... here she is humming along to "A Beautiful Mess" by Jason Mraz.

Music is important to my mom's happiness.  She listens to her MP3 player all the time, even when we go shopping.  She loves Jason Mraz and his song, "A Beautiful Mess."  Yesterday, walking around the supermarket, she was singing out loud and out of tune... it put a smile on my face and a laugh in my heart. 

My mom, she believes the guy on Family Feud talks to her and wants her to win.  She tries to win every day, hoping to win a car, she sits in front of the TV and tries to play.  I don't know what I'll tell her if she believes that she's won a car. 

The sanity line is fuzzy, but she's happy.

Daddy, He Came Down From Heaven

"Susie... you will not believe it!  Your father, he came down from heaven.  I saw him!  I talked to him.  It's so exciting.  I haven't seen him in 30 years.  He looks so good, like he looked when we were young." My mom excitedly told me when she called to tell me that they had come back from Maine.

"That's awesome Ma.  Do you want me to come and pick you up and take you home?"  I asked, expecting her to tell me to hurry up.

"No.  No.  I'm not ready to leave.  Your father is here!"  Believing that my dad was with her at my sister's she did not want to come home.

Confused as though I had dementia myself, my sister got on the phone.  I asked her what was going on, why didn't Ma want to come home?  Laughing, she told me that my mom believed that my brother in law was my dad.  

My mom, she was elated with the thought that my dad had come to see her and spoke to her.  He told her that he's protecting her, which made my mom super happy. 

I got her to come home with me when I told her that I called my dad on the special phone that I have because of who I am.  I'm grateful for my love of improv.  I proceeded to tell her that my dad told me that he would be gone for a couple of days so that he could help the new souls that were killed in the mine in Tennessee. 

"Oh. What about Eddie?  Is Eddie coming?  What else did your father say to you?  I wanted to ask him to send Eddie, that I want to see Eddie.  Is Eddie coming?"  My mom asked me like one would ask a psychic who is communicating with the deceased.

"Sure Ed's coming.  He has been filling in for Dad.  Ed works with dad and helps him to process the new souls who have died.  Dad and Ed are like the welcoming committee and teach folks how things work.  They teach them how to fly and communicate with us on Earth."  I explained to my mom with a mater of fact tone.

My mom came home with me, especially when I told her that my dad talked to me.  On the drive home she asked me what else my dad had said to me.

"Dad wants you to eat more dark greens.  He worries that you are not eating enough leafy vegetables."  I said to my mom, hoping that I could make a suggestion about nutritious foods, food that she often won't eat without a fight.

I know that dark greens bring her back to her normal, they keep her from having too many hallucinations.

My mom came back with the ability to talk to her hallucinations.  Yesterday she came to the kitchen to tell me to come to her room, "Eddie is here!  He's in my room.  Come, see him.  He is making me laugh!" My mom exclaimed.

I walked to my mom's room and she pointed to a recliner in her bedroom.  He's right there - "Ha ha ha ha... he is making a face, he is laughing... ha ha ha!"  My mom laughing, began to talk to my dead brother.

"Hi Ed.  Good to see you.  Will you sit with Ma and keep her company?  I need to make dinner." I said to the empty chair.  My mom was so happy that Eddie came, just as I told her that he would.  She sat in the other chair in her room and began talking to Ed.  Ed appeared to be talking to her, she was listening and then she'd answer; I believe that Ed was really there with her.

All day yesterday my mom went from window to window, looking out in the yard, hoping to catch a glimpse of my dad or my brother.  She saw people dressed in black robes, the miners who died last week, they were all in my yard, having a ceremony while they waited for the bus to come and take them to heaven.

Last night, she woke up once around 9:30pm, "The kids, they are in my room.  I worry that they are going to get hurt." My mom said to me.

"Well that's it, those kids have got to go!" I said to the empty room as I picked up the phone in her room that is not plugged into any outlet.  I dialed the phone.

"Hello Dream Master?  This is Sue."  I paused, acting as though I was listening to someone on the other end of the phone.  "Yes, she's doing well, thanks for asking... it's those kids, they're back.  I was wondering what you could do to stop them from coming, maybe you can talk to their mother?" I said and then paused to listen... "Oh thank you Dream Master, yes, I'm doing a lot of good deeds.... I believe that if I can do the good deeds then why not?  Thank you."  I spoke as though Dream Master was complimenting me on my hard work of good deeds.

"Ok Dream Master.  Thanks a million.  My mom doesn't want the kids to be in any trouble, she just wants them to stay away from her.  .... Ok, thanks, I'll tell her... Ma, Dream Master wants you to know that you will have a great night sleep and the kids are gone.  He's talking to the kids mother, he promised that the kids won't be back."  I talked with my mom as I was talking to Dream Master.

My mom, she laid in bed watching and listening to my phone call with Dream Master.  "Thanks Dear."  My mom said... "Good night Ma, I'll see you in the morning, sleep well, I love you!"  I replied as I shut the light and left the room.

Fascinating... I Find This Fascinating!

While driving to the market today, my mom turned to me and said, "I think they gave me the power to turn my vision on and off."

"Huh? Who?" I replied, as I was jolted out of my thoughts and propelled back into my mom's world of hallucinations and illusion.

"The people, the ones that I see, the dead people and the angels... I'm looking forward to seeing if I can see them at the parking lot." My mom said to me matter of factly. Her hallucinations are real to her, they are angels and spirits... my dad, my brother and "high mucka-mucks."

All day she has walked from window to window, gazing out, looking and reporting to me what she had seen.

"I have an update!" She would proclaim and then proceeded to give me the latest news about her visions.

"Across the street, there's a rocket. The high mucka muck guy, he's dressed in a black robe and a big hat. He's coming out of the house across the street... there's also a rocket. They are waiting for the person to come, the one that they are taking back with them." My mom stated as though she was seeing through the psychic veil.

"Ma, who's coming for whom? Where are they going?" I asked in a way to help her to feel that she hasn't lost her mind, that she's just seeing a different dimension that I can not see. I've found that when I validate her hallucinations and say, "Wow, that's awesome. I can't see them, but I believe that you can," Relaxed, she finds herself intrigued by what she is seeing through her "magic eye", the eye that my dad "fixed" for her to see him.

"The people... the top guy is coming. He's checking everything out across the street. Come here!  Look, look at the rocket. I want to know if you can see it." My mom grabbed my hand and pulled me to the front window.  "Do you see it?  Do you see the rocket?" She continued with enthusiasm.

Across the street I saw the temporary electric pole put up to supply power to my neighbors temporary home. I mentioned to my mom that it is the temporary pole that will be coming down when the Electric Dept. gets around to it.

"Nope. It's a rocket! It's going to take off, they're leaving.  I have to see it leave!" My mom proclaimed.

She is excited to see the angels and the people from the otherside. She finds her hallucinations fascinating. She believes that she's learning about the otherside before she gets there because she has a very big job waiting for her in Heaven. Mom, she believes that she can't die, not yet...  "I have too much to learn about heaven!" Mom, she also believes that she has to live so that she can help others with the same conditions that she has been diagnosed.  She wants to help folks have more good days and help them to understand how Heaven works.

Mom isn't afraid of the hallucinations any longer, not even the big man with the dark robe and tall hat. I told her that I talked to the Dream Master and ordered bad hallucinations out of her head in exchange for extra good deeds that I can do here on Earth.   I am grateful for the Dream Master.

Today, the dark man was in the neighbors yard and I told her that he is here to patrol for the spirits who may be trying to break the Dream Master's laws. Looking at me with a smile she said, "Oh, now that is really nice. I find this so fascinating. I have so much to learn!"

My mom is giddy. She is excited because she feels that she's learning something about the other side, the place where she knows the Rocket Ship will carry her. 

With a sincere tone of gratitude, my mom's last words before falling asleep last night... "Thanks to you Susie, it's all making sense, thank you for teaching me, I am learning a lot about Heaven.  Good night dear." 

She's already decided that she's getting a top job on the otherside, akin to a High Priestess. God love my mom, I've always believed that her eternal line is from Royalty. 

"Fascinating, I find this fascinating!"  Words my mom repeated often today, words which seemed to reveal a new inner peace.

Don't Worry, I Called the Dream Master

After today's mis-adventures with my mom in the torential rain, I knew that I needed to assure her that everything was great. 

Her day was fine, after she had a nap for a few hours.  I let her sleep for 3 hours after she walked a mile up the hill, in the torrential rain, carrying her kleenex box, with trash trucks picking up trash.  Yes, my mom has one of those tales to tell and it's true.

Tonight when I tucked her in she was in good spirits.  I said to her, "Oh, by the way, don't worry, I called the Dream Master today.  I told him to cut you a break and cancelled your dreams.  I asked how many points I needed. 

My mom looked at me and said, "Oh, can I pay him?  How much does it cost?"

I said, "Oh no Ma, it's not money that we pay with, it's good deed points.  You know how easy that is for me (my mom shook her head in agreement.)  I promise the Dream Master that I'll do extra good deeds so that you have many good nights sleep in a row.   It's sort of like Karma but for dreams.  I have this special way to reach the Dream Master.  I can call from any phone.  Even phones that have no dial tone, I can use.  See your phone right there?  I use that one for emergencies, when we need to cancel one immediately."

My mom, wide eyed and excited says, "Oh, well that is really great.  Thank you dear, good night.  What time are you waking up tomorrow.  Come and wake me, OK.  I'll wake up with you.  Sleep good.  I'm going to sleep good.  I love you."

"Good night Ma, Sleep with God.  You will have awesome dreams about dad and Ed and your brother Auggie and your mom and sister...your father."

"Oh!  He'll probably hit me!"  she said to me half laughing about her dad who used to chase Uncle Al all over the place so that he could beat him (that's Uncle Al's view of him.)

"Hit you?  What for?  He's going to hold you and hug you and love you... kiss you and spoil you, just like he did when he was alive.  You know how he spoiled you, you were his baby."  I said to my mom, matter of factly, exactly as she told me this story time and time again all my years growing up.

With a little laugh and a cute little smile, my mom says, "You're probably right.  He did spoil me, I was his favorite, he bought me really nice dolls, big dolls."

As I shut off the ligths in her room I said, "Good night Ma, sleep well, sleep with God and I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night dear... can you leave the hall light on?" She asked in a voice that reminded me of the days when I was afrraid of the dark and what lurked in the shaddows. 

"Sure Ma.  I'll leave it on.  Good night.  I'll see you in the morning, it will be a great day!"  I said as I walked from her room and to my room to retreat for the evening.  Ahhhhhh, peace at last.  Thank God for the Dream Master and magic phones.

My Good Eye

Ever since last Saturday, when my mom saw my dad at the "healing on the hill" next to the Supermarket parking lot, my mom has told me that my dad healed her bad eye so that she could see the otherside and all the folks who have died. 

All week, she would tell me about the people looking over the fence or climbing the trees... "See them Susie?" 

Often she becomes upset when I tell her that I can't see what she is seeing.  It upset her to the point where it appears to build up and cause her night disturbances.

Now, since she told me how my dad healed her eye so that she can see everything that goes on where the dead go, I now can say... "Oh, you must be seeing the other side with your good eye."

Mom will now cover her left eye, her bad eye that my dad healed, looking with her right eye she'll often say, "Ohhhhh ya, you are right.  Isn't that something.  Now if I cover my other eye... (she covers her other eye with her hand)... see... I can see it!  Dad healed my eye so that I could see him through my new good eye, I can see dead people."

Work Brings Peace

This week, everything is gradually improving... it's better than it has been for my mom and me.  She had some hallucinations where my dad was the star of her day; the hallucinations didn't scare her so I didn't give her Helleborus Niger, a homeopathic remedy that works to chase away scary hallucinations.

I've been thinking, why is she better able to handle being by herself during the day for long stretches of time?  Why does she appear like she did when we lived in my house in Groveland? 

My mom doesn't seem to have a problem with entertaining herself when she knows I'm working.  This got me thinking and observing behaviors. 

For the first 10 years that my mom lived with me, I worked from home.  I travelled a lot but when I was not travelling, my office was in the house and it had the busy sounds of an office.

My mom, she loved to listen to me work.  Often if I was on a conference call with my team she'd stand in the kitchen doing dishes, listening to the sounds of my work wafting down the stairs; the sounds comforted her. 

The clicking of the keyboard, the ringing phone, the laughter and conversation about work related things, things that my mom had no idea what the topic being discussed is about... all of these little things made my mom feel comfortable.

Working is not only helping me, it's helping my mom too.   Since I've been putting in full days behind my keyboard, working a real job, my mom is calm.  Mentally she's clearer than she had been.  She laughs at TV.  She hasn't laughed at TV in awhile, she obviously wasn't able to keep up with the jokes.  However, it's different this week, she is happy, she is laughing, she is carrying conversations. 

Could she have been worried about my being unemployed? 

I had been unemployed for 22 months, nearly 2 years.  My unemployment situation is what kicked off the 2 year ride that brought us immediately on to the dementia freeway.  Looking back, it was intense.  I did some things wrong but did most stuff right.  I learned from my mistakes.  2 years later, we are all better off.  Even my mom with LBD is better than she could have been if she kept ingesting the food she was eating. 

Nutritious food absolutely helped my mom.  I believe that if we didn't change her diet, there's no way I could handle caring for her at home.  Processed foods, gluten, sugar... all the stuff that is filler in our food these days, brought on wild and scary hallucinations.  Hallucinations that only appeared to her at night when I needed to sleep.

It sure does feel good getting to sleep at night. 

Work brings peace...

Today IS  a GREAT Day!

Between Two Worlds

My mom, she believes that my deceased dad is visiting her and she is THRILLED and giddy with excitment.  She believes that he's got a High Priest job with God and my dad helps new dead souls adjust to having no Earthly body.  My mom is so proud of my dad and his job in Heaven.

The other day, she actually went out looking for Dad at 7:30 am.  She believes she saw him over the weekend at the supermarket parking lot conducting a ceremony on the top of the hill where the water tower stands.

Dad wasn't around on Monday, the day my mom went looking for him on the streets.  She was bummed.  She wanted me to take her to the supermarket parking lot to see if he was still there.  I couldn't break from work to take her.

Yesterday, dad returned! 

My mom informed me, "My husband, he's sleeping on the futon in the sunroom."   Excitedly she whisphered,  "He's right there! ...He stopped by for a quick nap, he's so tired.  God has him working over time, there are a lot of souls coming to heaven these days."

My mom spoke about my dead father as though there is no distinction between the living and dead.  My dad exists.  He's got a job.  He has a big house in heaven big enough for our entire family.  This house, it has lots of bathrooms.  My mom is looking forward to seeing the house that my dad built in Heaven after she feels that she's fulfilled her purpose here on Earth.

On our ride home from our errands yesterday I said to my mom, "It's about the time you saw Dad on Saturday, do you want me to drive through the Supermarket parking lot?  We're right here and you can see if you can see him."

My mom was thrilled but said, "he's not going to be there... he only has ceremonies on the weekends.  Let's go, I want to show you where I saw him."

"That hill over there, was covered with people in white robes.  They were all kneeling and praying.  Your father was walking through the crowd, moving his arms.  He turned and looked at me, he didn't say anything but he looked right at me.  It was so nice.  He's still crazy about me."  My mom talked about her vision of my dad as she became more convinced that my dad is alive, but not in an Earthly way, in my mom's mind, dad is walking between both worlds of the living and dead.

A lesson my dad taught me when my grandmother died in 1976 and I was mourning the loss of my Baci...  Dad explained life and death to me, "Sue, we can never be destroyed, not even by death.  We are made of energy and energy can never be destroyed.  Baci's body may be dead, but her soul, her life essence will always live on.  Because energy can't be destroyed, it's transformed... Baci and anyone else who dies, never really dies, they become something else... when we die our energy is transformed and lives on forever."

Who knew that just a few short years after Baci passed, my dad would become terminally ill and transform into the something else? 

Is it possible that my mom has vision between two worlds?

He's Still Chasing Me After All These Years

"Susie, you are not going to believe it.  I'm so excited!" My mom exclaimed as she arrived home after a day out with my sister.

"Daddy, I saw him.  I can see him out of my bad eye, he healed it so that I can see.  I can see him but you can't, no one can, just me." She said as she continued to explain the vision that she had of my dad.

"I saw him in the Market Basket parking lot up against the back where there are lots of rocks; cars can't park there because of the rocks.  He had a long black robe on.  People were kneeling and praying.  Your father was walking through the crowd talking and doing something with his arms.  It was like an initiation, he was a High Priest, teaching all the new souls."  She waited for me to tell her that she was crazy, but I didn't.  I agreed with her hallucination in a matter of fact way as I said,  "Dad, he helps new souls and teaches them how to live on the otherside.  He works close with God."

My mom, looked at me with a big smile on her face and said, 'Oh, I am so excited!  I'm shaking from the inside.  I wish you could have seen him, everyone was praying.  He is so handsome.  He's still chasing me after all these years!  He's always been crazy about me and he still is."

"Where's the other person who's with us?"

Today was an adventure with my mom, it always is when I take her out because I never know what words will come out of her mouth.

The ride up 95 was pleasant with the sun shining and Christmas songs playing on every station.  My mom, she sang along with the radio and at one point, she was conducting with her hands.  She showed me how the woman at the new Senior Center moved her hands when they were singing last week.  It made her laugh out loud, which made me laugh because I had no idea what she found so funny. 

We had one of those moments that I know I'll remember long after my mom is dead.  I am predicting that when I drive in my truck around Christmas time, after my mom has died and that song "Sleigh bells ringaling, ting-ting-tingaling... we'll have a lovely sleigh ride... da da da da da.."  comes on the radio, it will remind me of my mom.  I hope I laugh instead of cry when the memory hits.

Today was a day where I made some good memories with Ma.

By the time we got up to Kittery, it was lunch time so we stopped at the Weathervane and had a grilled swordfish lunch/dinner.   We sat in the booth and my mom looks at me and says, "Where's the other person who's with us?  Aren't they coming in?"  The waiter was totally confused and said, "Oh, are you waiting for someone else?"  I replied, "No, no, it's just the 2 of us."  My mom she looks at me and says, "Really, there's only you and me?"  "Yup, just you and me Ma."  The waiter left not knowing what just happened.  I chuckled because my mom made his brain stop.

Nothing like one of my mom's hallucinations to make one's brain stop as you attempt to find the logic.  When will I ever learn, there is no logic with the demented brain.  I still haven't gotten to the point where I can play along with her imaginary visitors.   My facial expressions tell all.

Lunch was delicious.  My mom ate everything on her plate, including a baked potato.  She ate it like she was cheating, but I wanted to see if she could handle the potato now that she's on the thyroid supplement and the additional Phosphatidylcholine powder.

We had a bright idea to drive up to Sanford and check out Marden's.  It's been ages since we were up there, probably last year when I bought my fake Christmas tree for 25 bucks.  I fixed the broken string of lights and now I have an awesome tree that doesn't leave needles on the floor for the kittens to eat.  Marden's didn't have anything good, not for us anyway, not today. 

On the drive back down 95 we swung in to the Kittery Outlets and my mom bought 2 pairs of pajamas.  I left her in the Jockey store to shop on her own while I picked up under garments for my husband.  I overheard the store clerk asking my mom if he could help her.  She said yes and then I heard the guy ask her what size she needed.  I heard my mom say, "A small." 

I poked my head up from behind a counter and said to the guy, "she'll need a large."  My mom, she still thought she needed a small.  God love her.  I did convince her that buying a small would only require that we return the item and it would cause us to have to drive way up to Maine to return it.  I showed her the large and convinced her that this was the size she needs.  I told her that next year she'll be a size small which worked.  She got 2 pairs of pj's and she was happy.

As we were leaving the store, she saw gloves in a box next to the register.  She picked up a pair, didn't try them on and bought them.  I had the clerk take the tags off so that she could wear the gloves.  Note to self... make sure Josie tries stuff on first before removing the tags.  She couldn't fit her hand in the gloves.  The clerk found a pair that fit her and we were finally on our merry way.  My mom was thrilled to have a new pair of gloves and even happier that she got an extra 10% off because she's a senior.  Her gloves cost her $4.25, a bargain in her eyes.

The extra choline appears to help her find her words but she still hallucinates; mostly dead relatives.  My mom is happy and feeling great.  I just wish I could get used to her hallucinations.