Oh, My Pecacular!

Jay is at my cousin Linda's and I miss her.  I walk by her bedroom expecting to see her and the room is empty.  I miss hearing Jay's voice and her cute little laugh, a laugh that comes out like a bullet as a big HA!  

I miss my Jay.  She made me feel better just being here, but I know that the environment with my insane mother wasn't good for her.  Driving her to my cousin's house was hard because I didn't want her to go.  It was super tough when she looked at me in the car and said, "I feel like I'm leaving home."  I couldn't have agreed with her more at that moment.  She kept telling me not to worry, that she'll be back.  

It was nice having Jay here to talk to me... no, it was awesome having her here to talk to me.  Jay is the mother energy that I have been craving.  It was so hard to leave her behind at my cousin Linda's, watching her in the rear view mirror, I busted out crying.  I cried most of my drive home.  In order to cheer myself up, I imagined how I will feel when I'm on my way to get Jay to bring her home again.

Fortunately, I had an hour drive home and was able to pull myself together before I got home.  I had time to myself which is a rare event these days.  My sister Ann is trying to help give me respite but I need respite to make the call for respite.  

I am burned out and need help to help myself.  I don't know how to express this to anyone because when I do it goes on deaf ears.  I get lots of advice, "Sue, you need help, call XYZ organization" is what well meaning family and friends suggest.  But, I need someone to come so that I can make the calls that I need to make in order to get the respite ball rolling.  I CAN NOT DO THIS ALONE.  I don't know how else to say it.

It's not fair to just put my mom in a home without exhausting all avenues, like Day Care and Respite services.  I can handle Care Giving when I have regular breaks.  My life feels like I'm living a life in prison sentence, no end in sight, no time off for any reason at all.  Prisoners have more freedom.

I wonder if it's time for me to pull out my Rosary beads and start praying.  Maybe I'll lay on Jay's bed like she did when she was here and pray for help.  I wish someone would call out of the blue and give me a break.

No one understands what I'm going through except my husband, mother-in-law and now Jay.  It's not easy.  I wish my family helped me more.  I wish they would read the book that Ann read, "The 36-Hour Day" so that they can understand the mental illness that we are all living with. 

Thank you Ann for reading that book and sending it to me.  I really need my family, all of them, even Jay.  With out my family, it's really hard to cope with the insanity, especially when I'm so worn out from my 36 hour days.  

Yesterday, my niece came over with her boyfriend shortly after I arrived home.  It was really good to see her.  

My mom was thrilled to see her Granddaughter, especially because my niece is a fellow pool lover.  We were graced with a hot afternoon and pool water that was just warm enough so that it didn't cause us to go into cardiac arrest.  The pool was refreshing once we got over the initial shock of the water.  "Oh, my pecacular!" - that's my mom's word for private parts.

Today is another pool day so care giving for my mom will be on the easier side, well I hope that it will be easier.  One never knows with her because dementia and delirium always have a way of taking over.  It could have already started as a bad day, my mom is looking for her shoes.  Ten pairs of shoes lined up on her dresser and not one is a pair she wants to put on her feet.