I Am Alive! I Survived the Hospital.

The last seven days of my life have been like one out of a science fiction horror movie; the kind that made me lose sleep at night when I was a little girl.

I never had the Gall Bladder surgery, my blood pressure was crazy.  No matter how many pharmaceutical drugs I took, nothing worked.  My surgery was on again, off again.  The first time it was cancelled was because of my blood pressure.  The plan was that I would go home, get my blood pressure under control and then schedule the surgery.  

I had a fever like I have never had in my life Monday night into Tuesday; surgery... ON.

Everyday, I watched my blood pressure rise by 10 points.  Nothing was working.  

Everyday, the Pharma Goon Squad came into my room and lectured me on managing my blood pressure.  

"I DO!  I just don't do it with pharmaceuticals.  I see a Naturopath Doctor, he recommends alternatives that are working for me.  I couldn't take my supplements because I was vomiting bile."  I attempted to explain how I care for myself.  

It was as though I had no voice and no say about ME!  I was chained to a bed with an IV needle in my arm.  Pumping me full of fluids, continuously, Sodium Chloride.  My fingers were swelling like balloons.  I had to take off my wedding ring.

"Hey, do you think pumping all this Sodium Chloride into me is causing my blood pressure to go up?  Too much Sodium Chloride is known to raise blood pressure."  I asked the nurse.

"Oh no, it's different.  It won't raise your pressure."  She answered like a trained monkey.  It made no sense to me, sodium, is sodium.

My surgery was cancelled at the last minute because my blood pressure wouldn't come down.  It was 200/100 and rising.  The surgeon feared that I would die on the table.  

"Ok.  Fair enough, when can I get out of this hell hole?"  I asked.

Let me tell the story of how we got to where I am today, it is all true... every word.

Sunday, the ER folks did a great job to keep me comfortable.  The ER Doctor was awesome.  He gave me confidence.  

Gall Bladder pain is the worst pain I have ever experienced.  It lasted about 13 hours.  The nurses who cared for me were amazing, they all made sure that I was pain free.  God love them for that... please.

Monday, I woke up and that's when the Blood Pressure lectures began.  Every one lectured me... no one would listen.

I have one lapse in judgement and everyone thinks I am "one of those junk food junkies" and needs to be on pharmaceuticals.   It is unheard of to have someone without at least one pharmaceutical that is taken for one thing or another.  It felt like the vultures where hovering over my bed when the students would come around every morning with the Hospitalists.

I asked the Hospitalists on Tuesday morning, "Doctor?  Am I going to live?"  I was serious.  He shrugged!  He SHRUGGED at me and walked away; no words of encouragement.   No wonder my blood pressure was elevating, I was being led to believe that I was going to die if I didn't do what they wanted me to do.

They wouldn't listen to me.

My blood was drawn and tested.  All tests were good, nothing weird.  My cholesterol, my blood sugar, everything was good.  Of course it was, I eat well and do my best to take care of myself.  I strayed one damn day and ate a fucking cheeseburger!  (excuse my language, it is the only word to express how angry I was with the hospital doctors not listening to me.)

The Cardiologist visited me on Tuesday afternoon and immediately pissed me off.  I didn't want to see him but they sent him anyway.  I felt as though I had no rights.

"I have 6 rules."  He starts out his conversation with me.

I was in pain; I had just been given a shot of dilaudid before he came into the room.  Thank God.

"Rule 1..." he continues as he stands at the foot of my bed and points his finger at me, "...YOU LISTEN!"  He commanded.

Are you kidding me?  I thought to myself.  I was in no mood for this right now.  I was not at my best, my thinking was now cloudy because of the pain med.  I laid there, he had me captive.

Laughing and joking, I only remember one other rule that made me feel so uncomfortable I didn't know what to say or do.

"Rule whatever... YOU will have sex three times a day!"  He said, making assumptions about my sex life.  My sex life was not what I was in the hospital for... it is my gall bladder dummy.

I was so mad at this point, I couldn't wait for him to get the hell away from me.  

My blood pressure went up.  

The nurses were freaking out, they all believed that I was going to stroke out or have a heart attack.  I saw the worry in their faces.  I wasn't sure if I was going to make it.  I started to believe that I was going to die.

I started to worry more.

My blood pressure went up.

More lectures were sprinkled throughout my stay... hmmm, wonder why my blood pressure wasn't going down?

It was time for an echo cardiogram.  The doctors were not finding any reason for my blood pressure going so high; off I went for the tests.

The technician was a big burly man.  He told me that he would make this test discreet and keep me covered while he pressed the ultrasound wand over and around my chest.  Great.

Then...

"OK.  Time to rip your cloths off!" He stated as he grabbed the top corner of my hospital gown and ripped open the snaps.  

I was shocked!

"You better not let my husband catch you!"  I snapped back.  

I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know how to handle this awkward situation.  Now, I had to lay on this table while this freaking weirdo rubs a thing that looks like a big dick all over my chest in my boobage area!  I wanted this to be over and fast.  I closed my eyes.

And the doctors wondered why my blood pressure wouldn't go down?

No one would listen to me.

About 4pm, I had another Gall Stone attack; one of my stones decided to pass.  Oh God!  I still had 30 minutes to wait for more pain med.  I broke out into a sweat.  I asked the nurse if she could cut me some slack.  

"Sorry Dear.  You have to wait."  She answered back.

I began to cry.  I didn't think I could make it.  I sucked it up.  I started to breath.  That's when I realized, I couldn't take deep breaths, I couldn't catch my breath!  I got more nervous.  The pain became more intense.  I thought I was going to pass out.

I prayed.  I began to miss my husband and feel regret for never having a honeymoon.  I cried.

The nurse came back.... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

My roommate was a 30 something young mom who had an appendicitis attack earlier in the day.  She had emergency surgery and was feeling better just when I was feeling my worst.  

"Do you mind if my family visits?"  The girl asks through the curtain.  I kept the curtain shut.  I didn't want to see anyone.

"No.  I don't mind."  I replied.

About 5 pm her family arrives.... her ENTIRE family.  Our room was small and very warm to begin with, add 10 or so people (including little kids); it quickly became like an oven.  

My head was pounding.  I felt like I was having a heart attack; gall bladder pain feels like a heart attack.

I had to pee. 

I couldn't get by the crowd.

I buzzed for the nurse and asked her to kick everyone out.  I couldn't handle it anymore.  It was like sitting in their family dinning room during one of their family visits.  It sucked.  Their conversation was annoying, especially the loud mouth with the big bellowing voice.  

Were these people for real?

I made my roommate cry.

I didn't care.

All the high blood pressure medicine that they gave me was the same medicine my mom was given.  I felt like I was my mother!  I was getting the same readings for my mom as they were getting on me.  I began to try and solve the problem.  "What's similar between Ma and me?"  I asked myself and thought about for hours while I laid in bed.

Could it be the gluten in the pills?  Maybe the medicine isn't being absorbed because I shook up my villi in my intestine by eating that big honking gluten filled roll with that big fat juicy cheeseburger?

I tried to talk to the doctors about my thought; no one would listen.  I was discredited and dismissed.

Wednesday, I was scheduled for surgery at 10:30 am.  I was given several injections of Heparin to prevent blood clotting; I have a DVT history.  Again, I was not allowed to drink water; I was thirsty.

4:30 am, the student doctor who visited me every morning; woke me up to lecture me about my blood pressure.  She would ask me a question and when I began to answer she put the stethoscope in her ears and took my blood pressure.  I was silenced.  

Her body language was crossed arms.  

"See your body language?  You are not listening to me.  I am the boss of my body.  You do understand that, right? "  I stated to the student doctor, waving my finger across her, showing her what I was seeing.

"Oh, it's early."  She answered.  

"What?  Please get out of here and do not ever come back.  You are part of the problem.  Get out!"  I screamed at the future doctor.

I did not want to see any of the Pharma Goon Squad that morning, I requested that they stay away.  

They did.

Surgery was cancelled.

I was discharged.

I am feeling much better.  

Fenugreek is making me feel better.  My first night home, I lost 12 lbs of water... I am now down 20 lbs since my hospital stay.  I had gained 13 lbs in 4 days while at the hospital.

Through out this experience, I thought of my mom.  I am grateful that I was there for her and acted as her voice.  We all need a strong voice to fight for us.  The majority of Doctors do not believe in natural medicine, period.  Doctors do not believe in including the patient as the head of the care team; it's my body, it's my life... why not?

My conclusion:  There's no profit in healthy people.  We have to speak up for ourselves.  We have the power of NO.  

Pending Surgery

Sunday morning, I woke with excruciating pain that made me feel like jumping out of my skin. I thought it was gas pains. The pain intensified. My back was aching where my angel wings would sprout if I were an angel. 3 days later, I am still in the hospital. I had a wicked gall bladder attack. I have gall stones. Last night, I woke with a high fever and chills. Plans changed. Instead of going home today, taking antibiotics for two weeks and then scheduling surgery... It is happening either today or tomorrow. Wish me luck. My next post, I will share more of what I have learned about gall bladders and our diets. Tid bit... Did you know that if you have pain on the right upper back/ shoulder area with pain under your right rib cage... Could be your gallbladder.

The Action Figure Mobile

Looking in the rear-view mirror.... ACTION FIGURE MOBILE!

Friday was a beautiful day; a good day to visit my mom at the nursing home.  Driving along 3A, music playing, singing and feeling good about my life; I noticed something odd in my rear-view mirror.

On top of the car someone had glued action figures.  Lots and lots of action figures.  Spiderman stood in Super Hero fashion, holding his fist to the air with his blue cape flapping in the wind.

I laughed out loud.

Hoping for traffic to back up so that I could look and snap a picture for posterity (and this blog post); the traffic light turned red.

I wondered how many motor vehicle accidents the Action Figure Mobile has caused?

I stopped just before I took the right turn on 2A, camera ready, I waited for the car to pull up beside me.  The driver stopped too.  She didn't seem to want her Action Figure Mobile photographed.

I got a picture anyway.

Action Figure Mobile

Letters To My Family

I've been sorting and organizing all of my mom's papers; files that date back as far as 1958 when my parents bought their home.

Today, I found an envelope in my mom's hand writing dated February 25, 2003.  Inside were letters that my mom wrote to me, my siblings, my Aunt Jay, her brother and sister (now deceased) and my two oldest nephews.

Hands shaking, I opened the envelope.

Feb 25, 2003  - 3AM

To Susan,

I just had a dream Eddie came to me.  He looked angry and was pointing to me.  It woke me up.  I think he meant for me to take better care of myself.

Just in case, I want you to find who my beneficiary is on my SBLI and change it to you.  Also, my bank book at BCU.  And change name on my car to yours.

I don't want to be a burden to you.  I know you can make it on your own.

Love Always,

Ma

++++++++

To Donna,  2/25/3

Help Susan as much as you can.  I know your the strongest.  Pray for me.

Take care of Amy and Scott.  I love them both and they will make you proud.

Make sure Brad takes better care of himself.

Love you all,

Ma

+++++++

To Marty, 2/25/3

Take care of Eileen and Mother.  Don't forget yourself also.  Health is very important.  I hope you will always be happy.  I think of you often and pray for you.

Help Susan if she needs you.

Love and kisses,

Your Mom.

+++++++

To Ann and Steve,

Wish I could of seen you both.  I'm not well and I don't want you to worry.

See if you can get to see John Edward and I'll be able to send you a message from the other side.

Love you both and I know I can count on you to help Susan through this ordeal.

Love forever,

Ma

++++++

To Jay,

Thank you for all your prayers through the years.  Sorry I won;t be able to take you out.  I know you will be OK.  You've always been their for me and I want you to know how I appreciate you.  God will listen to you so ask him and He will help you.

You have made it possible for me to come this far by your prayers.

Love
Your Sister in Law,
Friend,
Chum,
Bingo Partner

++++++

To Joe and Andy, 2/25/3

Haven't got to see you much lately and I want you both to know how proud I am of the both of you.

Time is precious so don't waste it.  Take care of your health, it is most important.  Get to see your mother as often as you can.

Joe take care of Melinda, she is a wonderful girl.

Andy I will be watching your progress from above.

Love you all,

Gram

++++++

To Flo and Al,   2/25/3

Sorry I was unable to see you.  If I get past this feeling, I'll come to see you both.  I wish I was able to see you more often.  I will pray for you.  Don't be sad.  I will be with my family who has crossed over already.

Take care of yourself and keep in better shape than I did.

Love you both,

Your sister Jo.

(**  Flo passed in 2006, Al passed in 2011 - neither got to see this note.)

++++++

2/25/3

To Whom it may concern,

If I forgot to say bye to someone I'm sorry.  My memory is slowly dying.

I give Susan all my assets if I have any left, and don't forget my Walmart Stock.

I give Susan the right to turn off any life support system if I have any.

Thank you

(signed her name)

+++++++++++

Today, mom is still alive in a nursing home.  She has declined a lot since 2003 when she wrote these notes to all of us.

Finding these letters were bitter sweet.

Seeing my mom's handwriting, so pretty and neat made me miss the days when we could carry a meaningful conversation.  I miss my mom's advice.  I miss her telling me that everything is going to be OK.

My mom, she has always loved her family and we will always love her!

Why The New England Patriots Won Tonight

Mary in the garden, 2011

My mom, she love the New England Patriots; they won a lot, she loves winning.  She would be giddy while watching them play when she was of sound mind.

Today, she isn't mentally capable to enjoy her favorite sport, American Football.

I'm not a big football fan.  I can take it or leave it.  I don't hate it.  If I had the choice to watch an episode of "Chopped" or football, I'd choose "Chopped."

I visited my mom today.  I restocked all her favorite treats and drinks.  We went for a walk.  She talked to her baby and it made my heart smile.

My visit with mom was pleasant.  When I was leaving, I told her I was off to work at the phone company.

"Ok, Dear.  What time will you be home?"  She asked.  A question she always asked me back when I did work as an Operator.  Mom remembers me working all night as an Operator.

"I'll be home on Tuesday at 10:30 in the morning."  I answered.

"Ok.  That's good.  But why so long?"  She replied

"Ma!  You saw the snow.  There are lots of emergencies."  I answered as though it was 1983 when I did work as a telephone operator for the phone company.

"Ok.  Bring me cookies.  I like those cookies you make."  She said with a sweet tone in her voice.

I love it when my mother shows herself.

My drive home was uneventful.

I arrived home.

My husband was watching the game.  The Patriots were fighting for a chance for a spot in the Super Bowl 2012.  The Ravens were fighting for the win.  I believed they were going to take it.  We needed a Hail Mary.

It was the end of the 3rd quarter when I sat down with a glass of wine.

The Pats were winning.

The Pats were losing.

Fumbles.

Turnovers.

Interceptions.

"OH SHIT!"

I started to feel my heart racing.

The Pats MUST WIN!

Tonight, I am the reason the Pats won.

I used a Hail Mary.

You are welcome, New England Patriots.  I saw the look of aww on your faces.

The Baltimore Ravens were giving the Pats a run for their money.

I prayed out loud.  I didn't care that my husband was sitting next to me, looking at me like I was a loon.  I apologized to Mary for using her for such a frivolous request, but this needed to be an exception.

I prayed with my heart and soul.

"Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the lord is with you.  Blessed art though, among women, and blessed is the fruit  of thy womb, Jesus.  Holy Mary Mother of God, Pray for our sins, now and at the hour of our death.  Amen."

"Mary, I am sorry I am pray for a miracle to win this football game, but please make him miss that field goal!"

Voila!

The rookie  for the Ravens seemed to magically choke.  He missed the field goal!  I saw the faces on the team that believed that they had already won.   A punt that should not have been missed... did Mary goose him?  Hmmmm.  Yay, Mary!

It was over.

The Patriots won!

Thank you Mary.

And that is why the New England Patriots won tonight.

Taking Rides From Strangers

Mom's Great Grandson
... looks a lot like dad.

It was March 1977 and I was 16.  I had two nephews, one was about a year old, the other was 3 years old.  I will always love my nephews, Joe and Drew.  We grew up together.

It's because of the boys that I had learned the responsibility tied to children; children are forever; not in my cards.  I am grateful for my nephews Joe and Drew for being a guidepost on my life's journey.  I love them.

Tonight, I was thinking of the seniors at the home where Mom lives.  I began to reminisce for all the old folks that left an impression on me... there were so many; most never told me their names.

One freezing cold day in March, I was babysitting for my nephews.  I was bored with their house and decided to hop the bus from the side of town where they lived to City Hall Square in Lynn where I lived.

I bundled the kids up as best that I knew how at age 16.  Andy (now Drew) was about a year old, barely walking and cute as a button. His massively big blue eyes got him lots of action figures when he was older.  Joe was 3 years old and my little buddy; Joe was my first 'real' doll who looked like a little cherub with his pudgy cheeks.

Waiting at the bus stop, it was freezing cold.  The wind was horrible and the kids were crying.  An old man pulled up to the bus stop and asked us if we wanted a rid.  He saw how cold it was and worried that we would freeze waiting for the bus.  It was wicked cold so I said, "OK."  My nephews and I hopped into this strangers car and he drove us to my home.

No problem.  No issue.  Just a sweet old man who helped me.  No wonder I love seniors.

My entire life, seniors have been my guardian angels... now, I get to pay it forward and become the guardian angel for a senior.

Isn't life grand?

Taking a ride from a stranger isn't always bad... it is more than likely dangerous and thinking about it now at the age of 51, it's freaking scary that I even did that with the kids.  I don't even know if my sister knows... well, she does now.

The lesson I hope to teach is sometimes it's OK to take a chance.

Lately, life at the nursing home feels like I'm taking a ride from a stranger...

I Want To Be A Singer

Mom dancing with her favorite activities person, Kathy
Kathy is awesome!

So many people think that they can sing; heck, watch the first few shows of American Idol.  My ears!

I love singing.  I sing a lot, especially when I'm happy because it makes me happier.  I sing Frank Sinatra songs; I know some of the words and all of the melody.  I sing out loud in stores when I'm with my mother.

"Somewhere.... beyond the sea... somewhere, waiting for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

My mom likes it when I sing.  Sometimes I wonder if she thinks it's my dad singing to her... he had an amazing voice.

Last weekend at the home, a few residents were in the hall waiting to be put in their beds.  I was walking with my mom.  I started to sing.  My mom started to have a spring in her step.. bouncing more with each foot forward.  I took her in my arms and we started to dance in front of the residents while I sang.  I was cheered on!

"Beautiful!"  My little friend shouted out as she tapped her foot and hands, smiling as she watched me dance with my mom.

Egged on... I sang more, with feeling and emotion as I danced with my mom.

My other little friend, she started to sing along and tap her foot too.  It was fun to entertain the folks in the hall.  Now, I want to be a singer.

So... I'm going to sing.

I gathered all the happy Frank Sinatra tune lyrics and memorized the words... come this weekend, I will begin to perform for my mom and her friends.

Why I Quit Facebook

I am not mad at anyone.  I am just done with the social madness where folks hide behind a computer screen, playing silly games and sharing way too much information voluntarily.

To me, Facebook seems like a data mining application, one that everyone lines up to be a part of something that doesn't exist while feeding data bases somewhere with information about your political party preference, religious beliefs, purchase and social habits.

Information is being gathered on all of us, every minute of every day there are databases being updated with data on each of us.  Even this blog post will be put into a database somewhere to be used at a later date to possibly sell me something.

Why make it easy for someone to buy information about ourselves and then use it to market to us and sell us things.  All the LIKE'ing for businesses, products and services, has turned Facebook into just another place for me to get harassed to buy this or that or to believe in this or that.

I've noticed that if anyone thinks different than the group, the group turns on the individual in an attempt to discredit them.  Facebook ... who needs it?  NOT ME!

I quit Facebook.

I am tired of reading posts that piss me off.  I am tired of watching all the hours people piss away, wasting precious time that can be used to make ones life better instead of complaining about it publicly for the entire world to see.  Who cares?

I am done with being "sold to."  I don't want to LIKE your products or services anymore.  I don't care how good they may be... I am sick of being bombarded with Ads.

My inbox is full of junk mail.  My email is being sold.  My information is being sold.  All of us... everything that  we do on any social media site is gathered to form an intelligence on us so that we can be the next victim to someone somewhere trying to sell us something.

I quit Facebook and it feels good.

Please don't be offended.  I still like all of my friends and family but I am now only going to talk to you in real life.  No more Facebook.  I'm done with it.  It's creepy and scary to me.  It's morphing into something that is out of "1984", a book written by George Orwell about Big Brother watching.

Big Brother is doing more than watching us... it's gathering information on us, valuable intelligence so that how we think or how we vote can be manipulated.

People are suggestible.  Once your magic buttons of life are known, you can easily be made to believe something that will help someone else have personal gain, even if it causes you pain.

For me, I am not playing anymore.  Yes, the machines in the clouds will continue to gather information on me but I am making a choice; no longer am I going to make it easy.  I am using my power of "NO" and no longer will I willingly give valuable data away about myself.

So long Facebook.  You were a great tool to reconnect me with friends that I had made throughout my life.  You even were instrumental in helping to reunite my cousin and me; just in time for Uncle Al to witness before he passed.

Facebook... thanks for the memories.  I am ending our relationship.  It's YOU, not me...