I've been sorting and organizing all of my mom's papers; files that date back as far as 1958 when my parents bought their home.
Today, I found an envelope in my mom's hand writing dated February 25, 2003. Inside were letters that my mom wrote to me, my siblings, my Aunt Jay, her brother and sister (now deceased) and my two oldest nephews.
Hands shaking, I opened the envelope.
Feb 25, 2003 - 3AM
To Susan,
I just had a dream Eddie came to me. He looked angry and was pointing to me. It woke me up. I think he meant for me to take better care of myself.
Just in case, I want you to find who my beneficiary is on my SBLI and change it to you. Also, my bank book at BCU. And change name on my car to yours.
I don't want to be a burden to you. I know you can make it on your own.
Love Always,
Ma
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To Donna, 2/25/3
Help Susan as much as you can. I know your the strongest. Pray for me.
Take care of Amy and Scott. I love them both and they will make you proud.
Make sure Brad takes better care of himself.
Love you all,
Ma
+++++++
To Marty, 2/25/3
Take care of Eileen and Mother. Don't forget yourself also. Health is very important. I hope you will always be happy. I think of you often and pray for you.
Help Susan if she needs you.
Love and kisses,
Your Mom.
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To Ann and Steve,
Wish I could of seen you both. I'm not well and I don't want you to worry.
See if you can get to see John Edward and I'll be able to send you a message from the other side.
Love you both and I know I can count on you to help Susan through this ordeal.
Love forever,
Ma
++++++
To Jay,
Thank you for all your prayers through the years. Sorry I won;t be able to take you out. I know you will be OK. You've always been their for me and I want you to know how I appreciate you. God will listen to you so ask him and He will help you.
You have made it possible for me to come this far by your prayers.
Love
Your Sister in Law,
Friend,
Chum,
Bingo Partner
++++++
To Joe and Andy, 2/25/3
Haven't got to see you much lately and I want you both to know how proud I am of the both of you.
Time is precious so don't waste it. Take care of your health, it is most important. Get to see your mother as often as you can.
Joe take care of Melinda, she is a wonderful girl.
Andy I will be watching your progress from above.
Love you all,
Gram
++++++
To Flo and Al, 2/25/3
Sorry I was unable to see you. If I get past this feeling, I'll come to see you both. I wish I was able to see you more often. I will pray for you. Don't be sad. I will be with my family who has crossed over already.
Take care of yourself and keep in better shape than I did.
Love you both,
Your sister Jo.
(** Flo passed in 2006, Al passed in 2011 - neither got to see this note.)
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2/25/3
To Whom it may concern,
If I forgot to say bye to someone I'm sorry. My memory is slowly dying.
I give Susan all my assets if I have any left, and don't forget my Walmart Stock.
I give Susan the right to turn off any life support system if I have any.
Thank you
(signed her name)
+++++++++++
Today, mom is still alive in a nursing home. She has declined a lot since 2003 when she wrote these notes to all of us.
Finding these letters were bitter sweet.
Seeing my mom's handwriting, so pretty and neat made me miss the days when we could carry a meaningful conversation. I miss my mom's advice. I miss her telling me that everything is going to be OK.
My mom, she has always loved her family and we will always love her!
Posts
All I can say is wow...
ReplyDeleteOh Susan, what a heartbreaking collection of letters. How sweet to know she was thinking of you all even when she couldn't find the words. I'm so so sorry.
ReplyDeleteMy Mom's handwriting always makes me cry. Of all the things we've lost due to Alzheimers, language is the hardest.
XOXO
The letters in Mom's handwriting make me cry too.
ReplyDeleteWhat stands out most is her understanding of the value of good health when she realized she was ridding on a slippery slope.
I also think of all the time I was traveling and left her alone for days when she was in the beginning of LBD.
If I had this to do over again, I would have paid more attention to her earlier than I did... It is my only regret.
So bittersweet, as you wrote.
ReplyDeleteKate... thank you. I just read your blog post about your mom. I am sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteThank God for good memories; they tend to get us all through the emotionally tough times of life.
so, she wrote all those but never ended up sending them out to people?
ReplyDeleteSlyde... right. She told me about the letters that she wrote after she wrote them. She told me that she put them in a note book and they were not to be read until she was gone.
ReplyDeleteMy mom had a notebook fetish. I have been going through all of her stuff for months. Carefully, I looked through each notebook, looking for the "letters."
Friday, the envelope fell out of a notebook when I picked it up. I took this as a sign that it was time to deliver the letters.
Saturday, I visited my mom and asked her if she remembered the letters. She did. When I told her that I found them, she looked away and said, "Oh." I thanked her for the note she wrote to me. Her eyes filled up and she said, "Ok."
hmmm, i posted yesterday and its dissapeared...
ReplyDeletedid your mom never send ANY of these letters?
I see your post... I replied.
ReplyDeleteNo... She never sent the letters. I was supposed to wait until she was dead. She told me about them being in "A" notebook... She has hundreds of notebooks.
wow, thats odd. when i came here this morning i didnt see my post and your answer, and now i see both. very odd
ReplyDeleteSlyde... good thing you didn't see it because you asked the question again which I did NOT answer the first time. Must have been a ghost.
ReplyDeleteSusan, it was nice seeing a little window into your mom through her words. It must be so hard to miss all the things you miss. It's completely understandable. I know there is no getting it back, but I'm so glad you have those pieces of her to share with yourself when you need them. I pop over and read your blog when I have a free minute, which isn't a lot - usually only when I have a sec to post on my own blog - but I do think about you and your situation. I am always struck by your insight and by how amazing a daughter you are!
ReplyDelete