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| My Mom when she was 18, her favorite time of her life. |
Life has been insane for me. Cautious to avoid sounding like a broken record to all my readers, I opted to not write. What can anyone do for me? Not much these days, so what's the point of writing about my emotional pain?
I have learned that Care giving does not get easier when raising a demented parent as it seems to get when raising a child.
With children, they are inquisitive and learn... seniors with dementia, they are inquisitive and they are unable to learn. Seniors move backward, children move forward. Frustration becomes a regular part of the lives of both the demented patient and the Care Giver.
Each day becomes an adventure, never knowing what new behaviors will become part of our daily routine. Fluctuation of cognition, loss of balance, poop, pee and diapers, is now our new normal way of life. It is challenging. Will I survive my mom?
"Ma, do you need to use the toilet?" A statement that is asked often in an attempt to avoid a hazardous waste clean up off the floor. Making my mom's poo my business is unpleasant... how did this happen?
Time passes by quickly, thank God.
How much longer do I need to endure caring for my mom? I pray every day for a bed to open in a home.
Today, I do feel like I am living a prison sentence. I am not free to enjoy my life and do things that I want to do. It's a struggle to stay happy and positive.
Life is short and can end at any time for any of us. Care Giving for my mom with Lewy Bodies is sucking the life out of me; I fear that Care Giving is making my life shorter. I beg the Universe to end this lesson of my life; I'm done and I need to live before my end comes.
Time, it passes by quickly!
I have been forcing myself to do things that normally bring me joy.
Gardening!
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| Uncle Al and Mom February 2009 |
"I'm going to die." My mom exclaims repeatedly.
"If I'm here tomorrow..." Another statement that my mom makes often.
I wonder if she can sense death coming? I wonder if it's why she's always looking for doorways that don't exist? She wants to be with her brother Al, but she's scared to die.
"It's OK Ma. When you do leave your body, you will begin an eternal life; you will look like you did when you were 18 and had a 22 inch waist. Your body will be healed and free of all pain. Everything will make sense to you and you will more than likely want to come and tell us what you've discovered. I promise to pay attention and see you when you come to me." I hoped that my mom would be happy to know that in the afterlife, she will appear how she looked during her favorite time of her life on Earth.
Time passes by and brings new beginnings with each end. I am anxiously waiting for the end because I am beyond ready for a new beginning.
I'm worn out and need a miracle today.
Posts
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ReplyDeleteit's exhausting, isnt it?
i remember the hardest part, was when we wanted to go away for a short vacation. The issue of who would look after my grandfather, who no longer could look after himself, was always the focal point. We tried a few times to place him in a low maintenance nursing home for a short stay, and while most times it worked out, there were a few disasters, like the night he fell while getting out of bed, and tried all night to get someone on the phone to help him up. I didnt find out till i got there the next morning, that he was listing and talking to the "your call could not be completed" automated voice all night, trying to explain to the 'person' that he needed help.
that about broke my heart :(
Slyde... I worry about nursing home care. I would be bummed to see my mom in the same state as your Gramps. I fear that it's inevitable for her because I just can't take care of her anymore. I feel defeated.
ReplyDeleteyou are doing all that you can, and more.
ReplyDeleteMy grandfather was better off than your mom.. for the most part, he was all there and could take care of himself, but every once in a while, he would kinda 'slip'. When he was in one of those down states, he needed to be supervised.
Thank you Slyde... I need this to be over pretty soon or I'll end up in a nuthouse too!!!!
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you, extra prayers! I wish you could find some peace.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Susan, I know what it feels like to want to live your own life instead of your parents. I'm so sorry to hear things have been so hard, and that you're doing all this stuff you should never have to do. What can we do but keep on and take care of yourself as much as you can. Keep writing, too.
ReplyDelete@Missy... thank you! All prayers are gladly accepted. :)
ReplyDelete@Joy... I know that you know what I'm living through right now. Your blog about your experiences with your dad; allowed me to believe that everything will be OK for my mom once she's in a home.