My Mom is My Mini-Me

The dreaded curse, the one that a mother will strategically place into your subconscious, so that you make it happen through your unconcious actions.  I thought I was safe by not having kids, I thought I had dodged the bullet.  I'msure I remember my mom wishing a kid like me, as an offspring more than once.

I cried.  I cried a lot.  I mostly cried around my family.  No different than now, back then I had no idea why I was crying, now I do. I suppose I always felt like they were making fun of me.  I do remember my feelings being hurt easily. 

My childhood was hard, mostly because I had to fight with my emotions.  I was given an extra bucket of emotions when I was born.  My mom, she has dealt with them my entire life.  Looking back on her life, she was blessed with lots of emotion too, only it's been supressed until now.

My mom didn't sleep well last night.  She was up early and dressed.  I felt like I was finally getting to sleep, I was exhausted.  She squeaked the floor.  I saw her dressed.  Frustated, not fully awake and in a state of mind where I can not hold my tongue,  I ask her in a stern voice what she was doing. 

My sternness, it hurt her feelings. 

I inherited my sensitivity from my mom.  She is extremely sensitive and now with Lewy Bodies Dementia, she's even more sensitive than ever.  It's like... living with a mini-me who is 80 and holds the upper hand by blurting out during a lucid moment .... "Susie, I'm still your mother!"

My mom, she interpreted my tone as telling her that I don't want her here.  She reacted.  She shut down.  She sat an pouted.  I know that I can't leave a pout alone, it's like a scab that's about to fall off, you just have to pick it off.

So, I picked it until my mom started to cry.  She told me that she doesn't like it when I yell at her.  I didn't yell, but she heard it as a yell.  She told me how she tries so hard to do the right things.  I assured her that she does.  I explained to her how I'm exhausted and we both need a break from each other.  She didn't hear this as a temporary break, she immediately assumed that I meant "nursing home."  She freaked.

Next thing I knew she had her winter wool coat on, a fresh box of Kleenex tissues, unopened, under her arm and her little leather purse.  She was out of here.  That's what she said to me... "I'm leaving.  Don't worry about me, I'm outta here!"  she exclaimed as she stormed out.

Here we go again.

My mom ran away from home this morning.  I couldn't stop her.  It was raining (still is) in sheets of water.  Dressed with a coat that was NOT water proof, mesh covered sneakers - totally not water proof and a new box of kleenex under her arm, she was leaving... she was calling a cab. 

We live tucked away, off the beaten path, definitely not a community where we can walk to stores.  My elderly mom, was mad.  I didn't know what to do.  I let her walk for 10 minutes before I went looking for her.  I drove around for 50 minutes looking for her.  I was freaking out.  I was crying and praying.  I was asking my dad to help me.

I drove to the supermarket parking lot.  It's about 2 miles away.  I thought I saw a woman in the checkout line through the window, someone who looked like my mother.  I parked my truck and went inside. .  Nope, not my mother.

I drove up and down the streets in my neighborhood.  I couldn't find her.  Streets are flooded around here with swollen ponds and rivers.  Where did she go?  Then I thought I'd drive up this big steep hill.  A hill that I doubted she'd climb.  I drove up the street, looking for her, with eyes of a hawk.  The rain came down heavier and heavier.  The wind was blowing and all I could think is my mother is out in the damn rain soaking wet, scared and lost.   I had to find her!!

I changed my Hail Mary prayer jingle to , "Hail Mary Full of Grace, Help me find my mother!"

At the top of the hill, I FOUND HER! I saw my mother.  She was standing in the rain, soaking wet, looking as though she was waiting for a bus on the corner.  Her Kleenex box still unopened was still tucked under her arm,  The box was becoming soggy. 

I motioned to her to come to the truck.  She did, apprehensively.  She recognized me and I saw a sigh of relief on her face.  I jumped out and put a dry coat on her and handed her a towel to dry off her face and hands.  I had the heat up extra high to warm her.

We drove home in silence.

On the silent drive home I had a flash back to my childhood...1965, I ran away because I was being teased, my feelings were hurt.  I sang the worm song that my mom taught me as I cried myself to sleep in my hiding place .... "I'll eat some worms and then I'll die... and then you'll all be sorry that you picked on me."  I remember chanting this as I walked up and down my street crying because someone teased me.

I scared the shit out of my mother that warm summer day in 1965.  I remember  later hearing that she sent my older siblings out looking for me.  They were calling me and calling.... I never answered.  My mom, she came home after hours of searching with no luck.  I don't remember who found me.  I was home, under the bed, sleeping.  I sang my worm song and cried myself to sleep.

Today, I got to experience the scare that I gave my mom back when I was 5 years old.  Driving around the neighborhood, I rehearesed in my head the conversation I'd have with my sister Donna, "Hi Don, I lost Ma."  ... "Hi Don.  Ma ran away... don't know where she is... don't know what to do."  Over and over, I heard the call until I willed it to stop.  I was determined to find her.  I did.

Home, safe and sound, I made her a cup of coffee and sat and talked to her.  I explained to her how we both need a break from eachother and that I am exhausted, physically and mentally.  It's been nearly 2 years that we've been living this way with little time off for the Care Giver, me.  I told her how it's beginning to feel like a life sentence in prison with no time off for any reason whatsoever. 

I explained how I asked my siblings for help, but no one feels they can do it, which is why I began looking at respite care facilities.  Really nice places where she'd feel like she was on vacation too.

I told her that I want her to live with us.  I love caring for her when I'm rested.  I expressed this the best that I could, using lots of hugs and smiles.  I reminded her about all the successes we've had when everyone thought she was a gonner.  I reminded her of the good and how fortunate she is to have Donna and me.

I did have her in agreement about us both needing a break.   Heck, it's the reason she ran away today, she needed to get away from me.  I'll continue to work for my mom's and my cause, a cause to have a break away from each other. 

I am sure she'll run away again, it's what she does, it's what she did as a little girl when her brother teased her, she'd run away and hide.

My mom is my mini-me... now this should make it much easier, right?