Looking for Dad

For several days in a row (at least a week), my mom has been sleeping through the night and in good spirits during the time she's awake.  She was hallucinating a lot; seeing my dad who died in 1979 was a huge thrill for my mom.  Seeing dad made her happy, even if he didn't speak to her, he never speaks.

Today however, my mom woke up and appeared to be having a good morning when she woke up at 5am, too early for me to be awake so I went back to sleep. 

I woke around 6am to the squeaky floor boards above my bed singing my morning wake up tune, "squeak, squeak, squeak."  My mom was roaming, fully dressed and ready to go out by the time I got upstairs at 6:05am.

She had a plastic shopping bag packed with random things that made no sense to anyone except my mom.  Her purse slung over her shoulder, she sat in the sunroom chair as though she was waiting for a bus.

"Ma, where are you going?" I said to her.

"Out."  She said

"Ma, where are you going to go at this early hour?  No stores are open yet?  It's too far to walk.  I'll drop you off when the stores open. "  I attempted to reason with her to no avail.

"I'm going out.  I'm not a prisoner.  I'm calling a cab."  My mom stated in a stern tone of voice. 

Uh-oh, is all I could think.  Shit!  Her mind is spinning off somewhere.  Last night she told me that she was aggitated.  I asked her why and she said, "hmmm, it must have been a dream."  She never told me what it is that's bothering her.

Yesterday when we went out for a few groceries, my mom wanted me to drive by the supermarket parking lot where she had seen my dad on Saturday.  I wasn't feeling too well yesterday and needed to get home, taking a detour through the supermarket parking lot to chase my mom's hallucination of my dad, the "high priest", was not going to happen.  Not yesterday.  I needed to get home and fast, I was ill.

My mom looked for my dad all day yesterday, he never came.  She waited for him to come and sleep with her last night.... he never came.  My mom is upset because she can't see my dad.

This morning, she put her coat on, took her shopping bag with random items and headed out the door at 7:30 am.  She had no destination in mind, she was going out.  I think she went looking for my father, hoping to see him as she walked the streets in our little neighborhood.  It was in the low 40's this morning, I was worried about my mom, but I let her go so that she wouldn't accuse me of keeping her prisoner.

I let her roam the streets for a half hour before I went looking for her.  I drove around for 20 minutes.  I couldn't find her.  Taking one last look, I drove past my house and turned left.  There she was, walking with her coat unzipped because she can't zip it up herself and clutching her shopping back.

"Ma, come on, get in the truck.  It's cold." I said to her as I rolled down the window.

She looked at me like I was a stranger, she hesitated to get in the truck.  She was clearly cold and she was walking very slowly, I could tell that her feet hurt.  She had a mile to walk to make it home, that is if she took the right path home. 

She did get into the truck.  I didn't say anything to her, I didn't want to cause an argument to erupt.  My mom, she stood outside in the driveway for another half hour before I suggested she come inside.  Insanity is the only word that would describe my mom's behavior this morning. 

She is looking for my dad... almost makes me want to give her a cookiemade with wheat to bring on hallucinations.  The only reason I won't is I'm not sure if the cookie will bring hallucinations of my dad or something else more frightening.

It's best to wait this out.  Dad... if you can hear or see these words from beyond the grave, please come and show yourself to Ma, she's looking for you and making me crazy!!