My Plan ... How I Will Make THE Decision

My last blog post, "Letting Go... When Do I Know It's Time?"  left me with two comments from a couple of regular readers.  The comments stuck in my mind causing me to stop and evaluate my current situation with my mom.

Thank you to both PJ and Blogitse for giving me food for some serious thought with regard to when, if at all, it's time to commit my mom to a nursing home.

I want to also thank my childhood friend, Pauline, for her email note that comforted me and assured me that I WILL KNOW when it's time.   Pauline, thank you for your friendship, it means a lot to me.

Our goal all along has been to provide an environment for my mom to have more good days than not so good days.  Lewy Bodies Dementia is a terminal illness, there's no known cure and drugs don't help very much; pharma drugs cause my mom problems creating more confusion and fear in my demented mother's mind.

Maybe it's me but I have a hard time watching my mom scream out in fear and it's even worse to see her cry. Seeing ones mom (or dad) panicked is the worst nightmare any child can witness, regardless of your age.

Most onlookers would believe that my mom needs to be in a nursing home because of her behaviors and mental decline.  It's the easy way out for me the Care Giver; it's a decision that I struggle to make.

Why do I struggle with the decision?

My entire life my mom has told me about the "Crazy Gene" that seems to be prevalent on her side of our family.  Her mother and older sister spent their lives in a nursing home since the time my mom was 14 years old.  Facilities have frightened her, it's a deep fear for my mom a fear that has been part of her life for at least 68 years.  My mom passed on her fears to me and now I am left wondering, "do I put her in a home now or do I wait to see if she's approved for state aide and can have assistance to live at home?"  Can I wait?  Should I wait?

Mom, she has clear days and when she's clear, it's awesome.  It's during these days that doubt fills my heart, rendering me paralyzed to the idea of putting her in a home.

But, as soon as she has a good day or two, she will have a not so good day... like yesterday for instance.  Her blood pressure was crazy high; I kept her home from Day Care.  Up and down, like a roller coaster her pressures will rise and fall with no rhyme or reason.

High Blood pressure always brings visitors who are not welcomed, hallucinations that cause my mom to become frightened; raising her blood pressure even higher.  It's scary for both of us.

Over the last few days, I've been pondering the question, "When do I know it's time to commit my mom to a home?"

My husband and I had a long discussion regarding this topic.  Our goal has always been to give my mom more good days than not so good days.  I believe that we have accomplished this for her.  However, now my mom seems to have more not so good days than good days.  It's a crazy ride, one that is not for the weak of mind and heart.  It's like having a nightmare where you ALMOST finish something but have to keep doing the task over and over again... hell.

Yesterday I began keeping track of the quality of her days on a calendar.  GD will mean Good Day and BD will mean Bad Day.   I'll gather the data and at the end of November I'll evaluate and see if I can bring myself to have my mom committed if the evidence presents itself.  Facts.  I need them to make a clear decision, one that is void of emotion.  Emotions muddy the waters; nothing is ever good when it's done from a place of high stressful emotion.  Lately, I've been experiencing way more stress.

The mark on the calendar for yesterday is BD because her blood pressure went up and up no matter what I did.  Not even celery was working well for her yesterday, it helped a little but not with dramatic affects like it had in the past few weeks.

Taking one day at a time is all that I can do.  I will not give up until I have facts which logically guide us to a peaceful conclusion.  I've been having lots of conversations in my mind with the Blessed Virgin Mary; the only Catholic Saint that still gives me comfort during the character building times that life tends to present.

I look forward to the day when this is all over, when my mom has finally passed through the veil to join all her family and friends.  In the meantime, I'll stay the course while I work on getting my mom on "the list" for a bed in Uncle Al's nursing home.

I'm wondering... do other LBD Care Givers witness crazy blood pressures with their loved ones?

The Power of Prayer

Mary Imagine
In a hospital window
in Milton, MA
2003

"Hail Mary, full of grace, help me find a parking space!"

                                                              Mrs. Ragasa

The Blessed Virgin Mary and I have been buddies for as long as I can remember.  I went to a Catholic Grammar School, one named after my favorite saint of all saints.  No wonder I loved the BVM, she was always so nice and gentle looking to me, she made me feel good when I looked at her pictures.  As a child, I drew pictures of her often; I adored Mary.

My passion for the Blessed Mother hasn't wavered, she is always close and when I pray to her, she always comes through... always.  I learned the little prayer that I opened this post with from my "pen pal's" mom when I visited her in Hawaii in 2001.  Mary, she always comes through, even finding parking spaces.  This week, I needed more than a parking space.

I've had her visit me a few times in this lifetime, always when I'm scared.  Just like a real mother, she comes and comforts me.  I just need to remember to ask her for help because she won't help unless I ask.

On Monday, the day after my mom was discharged from the hospital, we went to Dr. Barton's for acupuncture.  I was scared shit.  I didn't know if my mom would ever come back to where she was before she was admitted to the hospital.  She forgot how to swallow a pill.  She was not well.  I was worried that the time had come for her to go to a nursing facility.

While she laid on the table during her acupuncture treatment, I sat in the room and meditated.  I found myself reciting the Hail Mary in my mind.  I felt the words.  Suddenly, the Blessed Virgin Mary appeared in my third eye.  She came with a brilliant light, I felt relieved.  She came!  

I asked her to help.  I asked her to stand over my mom and heal her.  I prayed.  I opened my eyes with a squint and saw her standing over my mom.  Tears welled up in my eyes.  I felt peace.  My prayers were being answered.

Mom got off the table and she didn't have her hand or mouth tremors.  Her words were coming back too.  The magnet therapy appears to be working well for her in addition to everything else that we do.

In the car on the way home she said out of the blue, "The Blessed Mother came to me today.  She was giving me a healing.... hey, look!  There she is, she's in the back seat sitting behind you."  My mom was back and she was smiling bright.

Thank you Mother Mary!

Goosebumps, followed by a sense of calm.  I told my mom about my meditation and how I prayed for Mary to come and help her.  The power of prayer, it really works.  It helps me to keep the faith during those times when I just want to throw in the towel.  The only trouble is I need to remember to stop and take a moment to quiet my mind and ask for help.

Yesterday, my mother had a very good day.  She was speaking complete sentences even before bed.  Usually she loses her ability to find words when she's tired, but not last night.  She got to talk to my sister Ann on the phone, we never imagined that would happen again.

Who knows how long we have with her, each day that she wakes with a semi-clear mind is a gift.  

Even when she woke up at 3am this morning was a gift, she was happy.  Somehow she turned on Pandora Radio on the computer;  I found her dancing in the dark to Louis Armstrong singing, "I Left My Heart in San Francisco."  

I am amazed at the power of prayer.