She Was My Doll

Mom's reverting backward in time; gone are her care giving days to all her children and grandchildren.  No longer can we call Ma and tell her our good news or bad news.  She can't fix our problems anymore.  She can't really express her love for us in words.  To me, this is the part of her illness that hurts the most; seeing her body but her mind is no where near what it once had been.

I miss my Ma even though I see her every other day.

Yesterday I visited and mom filled my heart with joy.  Who the hell would have thought that Ma could bring me peace when she can't communicate very well?

"Oh...  You are so cute!"  My mom held up her baby Susie and gushed.  She hugged Susie the doll, put her forehead to the dolls forehead and fussed like a young mom.  Smiles and baby talk; real beauty.

It was so darn special to witness when I walked through the door and saw my mom loving her baby.  Was she reliving her time as a mom?  Is this how she was with all of her children and grandchildren?

Returning from acupuncture yesterday, mom and I were standing in the elevator, waiting for it to ascend to her locked ward.  Mom, stepped toward me, nestled her head into my chest while she put her arms around me, a real hug, the type of hugs she gave me before she got sick.

"Oh, my little Mommy, I love you."  I said to her like I always did; returning the hug.

My heart was full at that moment, her warm embrace washed away all the pain that I have held from losing my mom to Lewy Bodies Dementia.  For a split second, mom was back, she hugged me;  once again, I was mom's daughter.

The elevator doors opened.  We were pulled back in to the insanity that has consumed our lives over the last 4 plus years.

Leaving mom yesterday, I heard my dad's voice in my head, "She was my doll."