|A sleepy mom, waiting for her ride to Day Care|
Subconsciously, I've been avoiding getting one because the calendar identifies both challenging and rewarding days for each sign of the Zodiac.
Do I really want to know?
The calendar has driven me a little nuts in the past. I used to become obsessed with it. Knowing when my "challenging" days are coming or if I'm in the midst of a challenging day, does something to my psyche.
I begin to brace myself for a challenge. Caring for my mom, every day has challenges, some days more challenging than the next.
"Oh man... do I really want to know my tougher days?" I ask myself.
Yesterday, I don't know what made me check the calendar, but I did. Today is one of my challenging days; this month, according to the calendar, I have 5 freaking challenging days! I hate it when the month brings more than 2 challenging days but FIVE?
I brace myself.
I woke up this morning, mustering up all the optimism that I could. I even jumped out of bed stating to the Universe, "Today is a GREAT day!" I felt pretty good, was I convincing enough?
I woke up a little late this morning, only 15 minutes later than usual. My mom, she was sound asleep, not in the mood to wake up. Getting her up was challenging.
I asked myself, "Hmmm, was this my challenge for the day?"
She didn't wake up in the middle of the night and remove her diaper. Bonus! No poop or pee to be cleaned up, how challenging could this day be?
"Don't taunt the Universe Sue!" I heard my inner voice scream. Have I overcome the shadow of the challenging day hanging over my head, clouding my mind with apprehensions; what will today bring, I thought.
Suddenly, like a light switch turning off, mom forgot how to swallow her small supplements. She had no idea what I was asking her to do. She would reply to me in one word answers as though she understood, "Ok." or "Sure." Next? Nothing, she'd sit there and stare off into space.
It's beyond freaky when she goes to Lewy Land. No matter how many times I've witnessed it, it never seems to get any easier.
Lewy Land sucks.
The clock was ticking, the time was moving closer to 7AM when Martha is scheduled to take her off to "school." My anxiety began to bubble as my mom wasn't able to follow my simple instructions.
Sweat beads began forming on my forehead; worried that my mom wouldn't be able to handle leaving the house today. She NEEDED to go today, I couldn't handle a full day with her at home. After all, according to the calendar, it is a challenging day for all Leo's!
I remained as calm as I could, deep breathing helped. I was able to coax her to take recommended daily supplements. She appeared to awaken as she ate her oatmeal. I made and packed snacks while she had her breakfast.
"I haven't had a sip of coffee yet!" I thought to myself in horror... a challenge. I was running on empty; I too was sleepy this morning.
I needed caffeine.
"Dressing... was this going to be challenging?" I found myself thinking a negative thought. I screamed silently, with my inner voice chattering "Stop! Happy thoughts, happy thoughts... visualize warm sunny beaches in Hawaii... happy thoughts!"
I asked God to help. "Please God, let this dressing go well, we only have 20 minutes before Martha arrives."
My greatest fear is that mom will soil herself and need to be changed at the exact time that her ride arrives? Again, I forced myself to change my thoughts and I began to recall the vacations that I've had over the years; fond memories that are helping me get through the daily ass wipe for my mom.
God help me.
Dressed, coat on and waiting at the door for Martha, my mom breaks the silence, "Uh oh. I got to go."
"Now?! Are you kidding?" I replied with a stressed out tone.
"Here's the challenge!" I thought. My worst nightmare, a vision that I've had repeatedly over the last few months; my thought became reality. Mom has to poop, Martha was about to pull into the driveway any second and the bathroom is upstairs.
Please dear God, PLEASE let us make it to the bathroom!
I left the door open, my mom's coat on the chair with her lunch bag in view through the glass storm door. Rushing in a panic, I nearly carried my mom up the stairs and to the toilet. Cleaning her and changing her pants was not something that I wanted to do just as her ride was arriving. "Oh, God! Please help me!" I cried inside, holding back my tears. I know from experience that my tears make matters much worse.
My pleas to the Heavens were answered; she made it to the toilet! Ah... now that wasn't so challenging. However I chose not to taunt the forces of the Universe and showed gratitude for the blessing that my mom's business landed in the appropriate location... the toilet.
"Thank you God!"
Learning from past experience, I put on rubber gloves, wiped my mom's fanny and pulled up her pants. Nothing worse than having a feces mess to clean when her ride is waiting. I've done this once and hope to never have to do it again. The thought makes me shudder in fear.
Although my calendar told me that today is a challenging day, we made it through the morning without anything nasty to be cleaned. My mom is out of the house and I have the day to get things done for myself.
"Hello, Universe? I'm grateful for the morning we had, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Thank you." Sue
One thing that I have to remind myself about the Lewellyn Calendar, challenging days are only as challenging as I chose to make them. I need to use the calendar as a tool to raise my awareness; lay low and not take things so seriously, especially stuff that I read.
Like everything, the challenges will pass and the skies will bring better days. There is no good reason to hang on to the challenges, they don't serve my higher purpose to achieve happiness.
My God wants me to be happy all the time.
Today, I choose to expect the best and the best will come. It's up to me to rule the stars and not have the stars rule me.
A popular Astrologer from my teen years (loved his reports,) the Cosmic Muffin, used to say at the end of his daily Astrological forecast, "It's a wise man who rules the stars, but it's a fool who's ruled by them." Words that definitely ring true for me today. I choose to be the wise woman today and rule the stars.