I Have Become My Mother's Mother

My mom has a UTI.  I should have know it's the reason she was peeing and pooping in inappropriate places.  UTI's tend to make her more confused and less agreeable to anything that I may say.  It's frustrating as a Care Giver to have to live through the NO's that were typically YES answers.

I may call an ambulance today, to take her to the hospital.  She can't wake up and she looks like death is near.  Getting her to swallow one pill, her antibiotic, was like pulling eye teeth without any anesthetic!  She isn't eating much which is making me lean toward calling 911 to take her where she can get the right care.  I am making her chicken soup for lunch.  If she doesn't eat, then my next move is to call the professionals to take over today.

It's so damn stressful for me when she's sick; I feel like I've failed, although I know in my heart that I've done all that I can.

I really don't know how Care Givers do what they do, day in and day out.  I don't even know how I did what I did for so long.  All I know is that I'm done.

I broke a promise to myself and I feel bad.  I promised that when my mom got to this point, she would move out.  I never ever wanted to change a diaper nor did I want to spend my free days cleaning up shit and pee off my floors and walls.

I would have had kids if I wanted to experience diapers, pewk, shit and pee ... a choice that I made long ago, that motherhood was not for me.  However, here I am... the Universe has played a trick on me.  I have become my mother's mother... God help me.