Time Passes By

My Mom when she was 18, her favorite time of her life.

It's been quite some time that I've sat down and wrote a blog post. 

Life has been insane for me.  Cautious to avoid sounding like a broken record to all my readers, I opted to not write.  What can anyone do for me?  Not much these days, so what's the point of writing about my emotional pain?

I have learned that Care giving does not get easier when raising a demented parent as it seems to get when raising a child.

With children, they are inquisitive and learn... seniors with dementia, they are inquisitive and they are unable to learn.  Seniors move backward, children move forward.  Frustration becomes a regular part of the lives of both the demented patient and the Care Giver. 

Each day becomes an adventure, never knowing what new behaviors will become part of our daily routine.  Fluctuation of cognition, loss of balance, poop, pee and diapers, is now our new normal way of life.  It is challenging.  Will I survive my mom?

"Ma, do you need to use the toilet?"  A statement that is asked often in an attempt to avoid a hazardous waste clean up off the floor.  Making my mom's poo my business is unpleasant... how did this happen?

Time passes by quickly, thank God. 

How much longer do I need to endure caring for my mom?  I pray every day for a bed to open in a home. 

Today, I do feel like I am living a prison sentence.  I am not free to enjoy my life and do things that I want to do.  It's a struggle to stay happy and positive. 

Life is short and can end at any time for any of us.  Care Giving for my mom with Lewy Bodies is sucking the life out of me; I fear that Care Giving is making my life shorter.  I beg the Universe to end this lesson of my life; I'm done and I need to live before my end comes. 

Time, it passes by quickly!

I have been forcing myself to do things that normally bring me joy. 

Gardening! 

I have been weeding, digging in the dirt and building gardens that are beginning to come to life.  For the first time since my mom went nuts, I'm starting all of my plants from seed.  The rewards and the good feelings that the garden will bring me during harvest time, will surely lift my spirits; an infusion of life into my tired soul.

Uncle Al and Mom
February 2009

Mom's been seeing Uncle Al a lot.  Last night, she started to cry, "Where's Al?  Where did he go?  I miss my brother; I want to know where he went.  I love him, you know." 

"I'm going to die."  My mom exclaims repeatedly. 

"If I'm here tomorrow..."  Another statement that my mom makes often.

I wonder if she can sense death coming?  I wonder if it's why she's always looking for doorways that don't exist?  She wants to be with her brother Al, but she's scared to die. 

"It's OK Ma.  When you do leave your body, you will begin an eternal life; you will look like you did when you were 18 and had a 22 inch waist.  Your body will be healed and free of all pain.  Everything will make sense to you and you will more than likely want to come and tell us what you've discovered.  I promise to pay attention and see you when you come to me."  I hoped that my mom would be happy to know that in the afterlife, she will appear how she looked during her favorite time of her life on Earth.

Time passes by and brings new beginnings with each end.  I am anxiously waiting for the end because I am beyond ready for a new beginning.

I'm worn out and need a miracle today.