One More Day

Only one more day before services begin every day; help real help with caring for my mom.  However, I am losing it.  I have symptoms of depression making the final few steps of this long journey of caring alone seem impossible.  

I ask, "Can I make it until Monday when the van comes at 7:30 AM to bring my mom to Day Care?"  


Three days alone with my mom is way too hard on me lately.  Crying, has made it worse.  I am depressed.  I tried so hard not to become depressed, but I failed.

I experience feelings of hopelessness and despair one where I feel no way out and trapped.  I see my life in a cage, chained down as my mind slips away, losing consciousness I drown in sorrow. I ask for help.  I don't hear answers.  

I understand why care givers turn to suicide; the pain is intense.  The feelings associated with depression are real and we can not just "snap out of it."  The depressed Care Giver looks for a way out but we can't see the exit through the feelings of self pity.

Expectations rise and fall.  Failed expectations pull the Care Giver down as though a huge anchor has been tied around our necks; breathing is difficult as we feel a heaviness take over.  Pain, physical pain riddles our bodies, taunting us as our minds crumble, believing the only way out is death.

Tears and lots of them are shed.  Uncontrollably, without warning, tears projectile out of our eyes.  Sadness for the loss of family and the perceived failures of Care Giving take residence in our minds, pulling us down deeper into the darkness associated with Hell.

Death, we begin to think about death.  Maybe if we just get in our car and drive the wrong way on the highway into a Mack Truck, the pain will end once and for all.   We begin to believe that no one will miss us if we croak.  More and more our thoughts drift toward ways to end our lives; scary thoughts... unhealthy thoughts. 

Yesterday was this sort of day for me.  I did think about dying and how it would free me from care giving.  I thought about what would happen if I ended it and immediately got a chill up my spine.  I cried over the thought and became angry with myself for allowing this thought to penetrate my consciousness.

Care Giving day in and day out, 24 x 7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year for nearly 3 years without a real break has worn me down and weakened my constitution.  I am severely burned out.

I’m so close to success, the end of this long road of caring solo is coming to an end, yet I still feel that it will never arrive.  I am impatient. I need help to make the final mile.

Deeper into the pits of hellacious thoughts my mind drifts.  With a perceived feeling that family don't care nor see how desperately I need them right now.  Why?  

I cried. 

I prayed for strength to make the final stretch.

The most valuable lesson that I've learned through all of this that my husband is my family, he is the only one that matters now.  He is my rock.  He is here and he is holding me up. Reminding me all day yesterday that we are nearly there, that we can do it together.  


I have come so far, years of heads down care giving, times that have been much more difficult.  However, I felt defeated yesterday.  My feet felt as though they were stuck in cement rendering me immobile.  I need help.  I asked and cried for help… who will answer?

In comes my Knight in Shining Armor, my husband.  He has never let me down and for that, I'm grateful.  He hands me a lifeline of encouragement, extending his hand while saying, “Hold on, you can do it.” 

Only one more day to live through being my mom’s sole Care Giver every day.  I need to survive only one more day the grueling pain that’s the by-product of caring for a loved one with dementia.

I forgive myself for the dark thoughts that I have from time to time.  I forgive all those who want to help but don't know how.  I turn my focus to love; love of self and love of family.

I love myself.  I do believe that I can if I think I can.  It’s now that I need to put on my running shoes, pick up my burden and persevere.  I can do this; I’ve done more difficult tasks associated with caring over the last 3 years alone.  I have what I need... I refuse to die before my time.

Only one more day and the oppression brought on by care giving for my demented mom will begin to be lifted.  I won’t need to call anyone for help because help will be here.  I can return to having happy relationships with my family.  I miss them more than I can express in words.

I understand Care Giver suicidal thoughts.  I also understand that suicide isn’t the answer, that it’s when we have these thoughts is when life is about to turn the corner to brighter days.

Today, I am more hopeful.  I can make it through one more day and I look forward to my own healing.  I look forward to getting help for myself where I can begin to experience joy.  I look forward to laughing.  I am excited for daily respite and the time to do things that bring me happiness.

Advice for other Care Givers who feel the burden of caring for a loved one, if family doesn’t help when you feel that you need them the most, release resentment and anger.  Siblings have no idea what you are experiencing and are more than likely numb to your cries for help. 

I found that there is help out there.  Call Elder Services in your area, they will help you.  Call them early and get the paperwork going, this was the toughest challenge as a 24 x 7 Care Giver, there is a lot of paperwork and hoops to jump through, but it is well worth the effort.

Only one more day and I KNOW I can make it because I think I can!