I Want to Go Home

Care Giving has challenges and one day when you least expect it your loved one will inevitably demand, "I WANT TO GO HOME!"

It is unnerving the first time you hear those words come out of your wards mouth, especially when they are already at home.

Confusion and disorientation take over, logic and reason are out the window.  Arguing about reality leads to conversations that end in a stalemate; frustration and anger often take the front seat in the mind of the carer.  To the demented mind, what they believe is true is true, period.  End of topic.

I have learned this phrase to mean that she's scared.  Hugs work really well.  Reassurance that everything is going to be OK and words of encouragement that she's safe and secure helps ease her fear.

Mom would run out the door and head down the street looking for "home" so often that I stopped sleeping soundly.  I always had one ear open, listening for foot steps and doors closing.

The first time she took off, she was mad at me because I wouldn't take her home... she was already home and no matter how many times I told her, "you're home!"  she wouldn't believe me.  Eyes off her for only 10 minutes; backyard gate wide open and mom off on a mission to find a home that doesn't exist.

Instead of arguing with her, I now say to her, "Oh?  You want to go home?  Come this way, I'll take you there, follow me."  I take her to her bedroom and show her all of her things.  She looks at me in amazement and says, "Wow!  How did you do that?  Thank you dear."

Sometimes I say to her, "It's right down the hall over there, Josephine Way, follow it all the way to the end and you will be home."  That often works depending on how confused she is at the moment.

Thinking that I needed some sort of prop to give her a sense of control, I had a key to the house made for her.  She wears the key round her neck on a pretty chain, it is a piece of jewelry to her.

Occasionally she is argumentative about being home.  During these times, I take her to the front door, she takes her key from around her neck and puts it into the lock.  When it fits, she will say something like, "Gee, that's nice."  "I'm glad I'm home."  "Ohhhh, how'd you do that?"

My mom NEVER takes her key necklace off, not even to shower or sleep.  The key has become her security.  She feels safe with her key, rarely do I hear her tell me that she wants to go home.

Since my mom has been wearing her key necklace, she doesn't wander away from home.  More importantly, she doesn't wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, dressing herself, packing a bag and heading out the door to look for "home."

The key.  Who knew that a tiny piece of metal could help answer the question, "I want to go home."

"I Want to Go Home" ... What Does She REALLY Mean?

Yesterday I began the search for nursing homes for my mom.  It was a tough day, mostly because deep down, I really don't want to do it. 

Finding a home and doing the research appears to be a monuental task, a full time job.  But, it will get done, the outcome will be better for my mom and me.

I want to go home... what does it mean?

Feeling a bit dejected yesterday, I did a search on the internet to see if I could figure out what my mom really means when she says she wants to go home.  Her words, she can't find the right ones, are never as they seem.  It's the deeper meaning, the underlying cause that is important to hear, the silent words, the ones left unspoken, these are the words we need to hear when with the demented.

I found this article on Caring.com which talks about the meaning, of "I want to go home" from the demented.  The jist of the article is that the individual is insecure and scared.  They are looking for the comfort and safety of home.  It could be any home that my mom has lived in during her life, a home where she felt safe. 

Obviously she can't go back to any of her former homes, even if she did, it would be different and not home.  The solution that the article provide was to hug her.  To let her know that she's loved right where she is. 

All the talk of going to a nursing home really threw her off kilter.  It's when I started to bring her to Blaire House for day care that she really started to roam the house again, night after night, looking for a way to go home. 

My mom is scared of nursing homes.  She's afraid of being abused or worse, left alone.  My mom. maybe she really just wants to go to her home in heaven or wherever we go when we die.  I don't know, I'll never really know for sure. 

All I can do while I visit and research nursing facilities that it's a place that I could live.  It will more than likely cost us some money but, my mom is worth it.  I can earn the money, like my brother Ed always used to say, "You don't have money?  Well just go make more."  What a philosopher!

One thing that I have not tried yet was making the subliminal recording using hypnosis techniques on my mom.  I was having trouble with the words to use as suggestions for her demented mind.  Dementia, it's new to me, I'm learning as I go along what is right and what isn't.  Just as my dad taught me as a little girl when he had me look at that flag in his text book, then look at the wall... nothing is ever as it seems, especially with the demented.

Yesterday, I had my epiphany with the subliminal recorded messages for my mom, the phrases that I will use to help my mom flooded my thoughts as I prepared dinner last night.  Chopping vegetables always seems to trigger solutions in my mind to things that are troubling.

Today, I will make my mom her subliminal recording and have her listen to it all afternoon.

Standby... we'll see if it helps her to relax and sleep all night, feeling that she's already home.  Maybe hypnosis is the missing link, the one thing that my mom needs to help her to function "normally" and remain in my home until her end of days?