A Valentine To Remember

Oil Portrait of Mom
by Sue Higgins
November 2013
I used her favorite picture as a guide

It's hard to believe that a year has gone by since my mother passed.  Valentine's Day 2013, a day I will always remember, the day I got the call I had been waiting so long to receive.  The call that would end my job as Mom's Caregiver.

 "Sue, your mom is not with us any longer."  Martine her nurse had said to me at 12:30 AM.  Words that still echo in my mind today, the year anniversary of mom's passing from Lewy Bodies Dementia.

My job was over.   No longer did I have to think about my mom.  Was she sleeping ok?  Did she have enough bananas or gluten free bread?  "What will I make Ma for a sandwich today?"  A question I would never have to ask again.  My work was done.

Now what do I do?



Amelia hugging Sam at the beach

This past year I haven't posted much on my blog, I spent time doing things that I could only dream of when caring for my mom.  I sewed curtains, made quilts, started knitting my first sweater.  Best of all, I got to know the babies in my family.  I went to the beach for the first time in over a decade.  I swam in the icy Atlantic Ocean up in Maine on a hot summer day with the kids.  I felt alive and renewed.

I made attempts to write my story of how I cared for my mom, but had lots of false starts.  I thought I would publish my blog into a book form.  Editing my blog was like picking a scab and bleeding profusely all over again.  My blog resurrected the painful experiences of caring for my mom.  I forced myself to read my words, I needed to rise above the pain and grow.  I did it.  I read it. I grew.

I saw a Psychologist to help me make sense out of all the questions that still lingered in my mind once my mom died and I found myself lost without work.  It only took a few sessions.  I was done when I didn't have anything else to say to the shrink.  I had my answers... I found my peace.

I began to write again.  I have been writing everyday, the story of how I did it, how I cared for my mom with Lewy Bodies Dementia. My book is fresh writing, not just my blog repurposed.  I need to tell people how I did it ALL.  Talking with doctors and nurses, using food as medicine and Naturopathic Medicine before allotropic medicines.  How I helped give my mom more good days, right up to her last day. 

So, life does go on after the people we love pass, but one thing that I have learned this last year is my mom never really died.  She still lives in my heart and mind. 

This morning, I woke up feeling my mom's presence.  I thought she was still living and I needed to jump up and make her coffee.  The dream I had of her was so real it woke me up.  I was disappointed when I realized it was a dream and mom wasn't waiting to have coffee with me.

Mom came to me in my dream, dressed in her favorite blue dress, the dress she wore in the portrait that I had painted of her just a few months ago.  She was not old, she was not young, but she looked alive.  She was radiant and her smile filled my heart with so much love.  I was speechless, not able to ask her where she's been or if she's happy.  My water filled eyes began to blur my vision of her.

My mom spoke to me.  "Susie, I am so happy now.  I am with Daddy and Eddie.  My brother Auggie and Al, my sister Flo and my parents.  I want to thank you for helping me as much as you did.   I love you so much.  Thank you for your kind heart.  I will always be here watching over you and all my family.  I love you.  Everything will be OK."

Mom hugged me.  It was reminisce of our last hug, the last time I saw her alive before I tucked her into bed for a short nap on February 8, 2013.  What a gift mom gave me that day, she looked at me with eyes that were so pleased, finally I felt her approval.  I didn't want her to go, but it was time.  I asked her to come to me once she was gone and let me know she was OK...

Last night, she came to me. 

Happy Valentines Day Ma!  You were a gift of love to this world.  I miss you every day.  Stay with God.