Grieving Is Weird

Me and Amelia, January 2013
Creating new memories for a new generation

Am I a freak?  It has been almost 2 weeks since my mom has passed and I still haven't cried.  Why?  I loved my mother, heck I wouldn't have done all that I had done for her if I didn't love her.  So, why now that she is dead can I not cry?

The day after my mom died I came down with the flu.  I can not believe how sick I became once my responsibility of caring for my mom had abruptly ended with her end of life.  A sickness that caused my mind to wander into weird places that seemed to be in between the world of reality and dreams.

I thought about my mom while I was sick.  I replayed the phone call that I had received from the nursing home notifying me that she was gone.  A call that I had anticipated receiving since she entered the nursing home almost 2 years ago.  "Oh, Thank you."  Is all I could say to the nurse who called.  No tears.  No sobs. I laid in bed wondering if I should wake my family up and tell them or let them sleep.  I called everyone.  I  woke up and had a cup of tea.  No crying, just a huge feeling of relief engulfed my being.

Anticipating mom's death was brutal.  Everyday I thought about my mom's death day.  I wondered how long does she have?  Will it be fast?  Will she suffer? Will she starve to death?  Have I done all that I could? Is there something else we could do to help her slide out of this life and into her next?  Will my family come to her funeral?  Should I have a funeral?  Does anyone care?  No one seemed to care when she was alive why would they care now that she was dead?  I worried about my family and how they would handle mom's passing.  I worried that they wouldn't listen to me about the importance of changing our diet to avoid the crazy gene.

I never had answers, just lots and lots of questions bathed in tears.  I cried almost every day for 5 years, anticipating my mom's passing.  Alone, I mourned the loss of my mom when she was still alive.  Mom watched me mourn for her.  No wonder she was so distraught when I would sob uncontrollably.  Tears that should have come after she died were flooding our lives, filling it with sadness that at times was overwhelming.  I wrote a lot during those dark times of my heart, words that helped me to cope and make it through another day.

Now, the day has come and gone; my mom has died.   The anticipation is over.  Now what?  Tears have been replaced with joy and peace.  No longer is my mind filled with questions surrounding my mom's end.  I still don't have answers to all of my questions, but I do believe that my family does care.  My mom passing reunited my family.  Together once more, my family and I can pick up the pieces in order to create new memories.  Memories that will last our lifetimes and help those we leave behind when our time comes to  be remembered when we are gone from this world.

Grieving is weird.  Everyone grieves differently.

Will I ever cry for my mom again?  I don't know.  The hospice bereavement councilor told me that I had anticipatory grief.   I grieved about my mom's end, waiting for it, wondering when it would happen, how it would happen;  I cried.  I worked through my sadness before my mom got on the bus to heaven.

If you are like me and currently crying a lot, know that this feeling that is weighing heavy on your heart won't last forever.  When the end comes for your loved one, the feeling of relief is incredible and all tears seem to dry up suddenly.  You are not a freak, you are not weird, you already did all of your grieving... you are free!