The Chin Trick

Well, our day didn't go as we had planned.

Bad weather brewing, heavy and severe thunderstorms with reports of flash flooding in the city where the pool party reunion was being held, caused us to turn left.

My sister Donna arrived on schedule, 11AM.  Ma was ready to head out the door for at least 2 hours.  My mom had become annoyed with me during her 2 hour wait; she hated Sue.  Sue was annoying the living crap out of my mom... to my mom, Sue was not in the room.

Donna asked my mom, "So, who is this?"  My mom said, "Sue. But not the Sue that I'm talking about, the other Sue."  Donna threw in "Susan" and my mom told us that she likes Susan, that I was Susan at that moment.  It was confusing.  My head hurt.

Only one more day to get through I thought, please Donna, let me open the door for the two of you... here, go out this door, it's closer to the outside.  I did open the closest door and Donna and my mom left for the day.  "Bye!  Have a fun time."  I said as I waved.

We decided to stay close to home yesterday.  We stopped at a local Mexican Restaurant for a Margarita and   a light lunch.  I had my camera and thought it would be nice to remember our little left turn to the Mexican Restaurant.  My camera has a feature where you can take pictures of yourself.

Every picture that I had taken my neck looked like I had 3 or more chins; my husband, he didn't have the chin problem.  I hated every single picture of me because I looked like I had no neck.  I hate that look, especially when I have worked so hard to get rid of the triple chin!

That's when my husband enlightened me about "the Chin Trick."  The Chin Trick is when you project your chin forward when taking pictures.  It solves the triple chin problem in photos.  Most folks, when they have their picture taken, tend to pull there head backward; creating hated photos of oneself.

Here we are, after drinking a Margarita, practicing the "Chin Trick."

No neck look... ewww!

Big nostrils and no neck!

A little better.

My conclusion:  If you have big teeth and a big smile, the chin trick doesn't work.

My Tip:  If you keep your mouth shut, then you can keep extra chins from magically appearing in photos of yourself.

Every Care Giver Needs Respite

Today I am a free woman, no longer do I feel like a prisoner in my own home.  We have freedom, freedom that we had to buy.  My mom, she's free, she feels that she has control of her life with her new buddy, Cheryl.  Mom's Visiting Angel is also my angel, she is bringing balance back into our lives.

Last night was the first time that EVERYONE in the house was happy and at peace.  My husband came home to peace, finally he was able to walk through the door of his house and feel at home.

I sang last night while I prepared dinner.  

My stress had stopped the music that typically plays in my mind, music that sooths my soul.  I didn't hear the birds.  I didn't hear the sound of the wind as it rustled the leaves of the trees that surround our home.  I was lost... totally stuck in the mud and fearful that I would come to my demise before my aged and demented mother, my ward.

At the end of my rope, barely hanging on, I cried out to the Universe for a way out of this nightmare which had become my personal hell on Earth.  My body was becoming sick.  A rash was breaking out all over my body, beginning on my arms and moving to my neck, face and torso.  It itched and hurt.  The more stressed I became, the more it hurt, the more it itched.  I was scared.  I prayed for a miracle.

Out of the blue, during my darkest hour, my angel came to my rescue.  She arrived in a shot, a simple note that filled my heart with so much love.  My beliefs about family were being restored, a simple belief that our dad taught all of us, "Your family are your only true friends, stick together and help each other."  

My sister Ann, she came!  My heart poured out in tears, thankful for my big sister, the leader of our pack.  I have never loved her more than the day she came back into my life.  I missed her.  I was grateful to have someone to talk to about our mom, someone "who gets things done."

Both sister's came... Donna swooped in and saved me from the sadness that was consuming me.  Just in time, my angels arrived, one at a time, each coming at the perfect time, first Ann, then Donna and then Cheryl.

I can keep going on.  I have help and no longer have to carry the burden of a crazy mom by myself.

The last two years have been brutal caring for my demented mother by myself.   What got me through?  I practiced what I had learned from my dad, "the only time one fails is when they give up... that it's always darkest before dawn."

Every time we were in a dark time, I held up and knew that tomorrow is a new day, a better day.  I remembered that nothing ever lasts forever, that things change... dad taught me to "wait a minute, things will change."

Things have changed.  I feel that we have turned a huge corner.  The sun is out.  My mom has a buddy and I can finally take a breath and relax.  I need to relax and heal from the intensity of the stress that coursed through my body.  Peace.  I need peace.  Thanks to my sisters, I have peace.  I am grateful for their true love for family.

Every Care Giver needs respite.  If you ask for help enough, it will come.  People hear us Care Givers, we just need to let folks in to help.  Give up control because once you do, you will have the help and you will gain control of your life.

Send Me All Angels

Yesterday morning started off bad. I barely had my eyes open at 5:30 AM when my mom suddenly appeared, "Ta Da!" My mom greeted me, fully dressed and carrying her purse as though she was ready to go out shopping.

I was not in the mood to be awake, let alone immediately "on duty" even before I had a sip of coffee.  My mom was not doing anything wrong, except that she was awake and ready to start moving before I was ready.

I started to cry.

My mom didn't know what was wrong, she was upset because I was crying, she didn't know why.  I didn't either, the tears just poured out of my eyes.  My mom sat in her chair and began praying aloud, "Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee...."  She got up and went to her room as she walked down the hall praying.  I cried.  I cried even more when I heard that I had scared my mom with my tears.

My mom was afraid that the men in the white coats would come and take me away like they did to her mother and sister.  My mom was a young teenager when her mom and sister were committed to a mental institution.  She always feared this would happen to one of her children, she feared it was happening to me.  I felt like it was happening to me, my insides were shaking and the rash on my arm was burning in pain from the brief relief caused by my scratching.  

Tuesday.  All I needed to do was hang on until Tuesday when the Visiting Angel was coming to give me a break.  I couldn't.  I didn't have the strength.  My well of stamina was dry, I was sunk.  I cried.  My mom prayed to BVM (Blessed Virgin Mary).

My mom gave me space.  She had enough wits about her to leave me alone, she was having a good day and I was on the verge of sabotaging it with my feeling of hopelessness.  A feeling that my mom was feeling because of me!  Thank God for BVM.

I sat and calmed myself down and immediately thought of my Auntie Flo's Rosary Beads.  Beads that I had just found and had the thought, "Hmmmm, I'll give the beads to Ma and have her say the Rosary when she's feeling scared or upset."

I gave my mom her sister's Rosary Beads, beautiful crystal beads with a silver chain holding them all together. My mom grasped the beads and her eyes got teary, she thanked me with a quivering lower lip and then she gave me a hug and said, "Everything will be OK Susie."  My mom was back for a brief moment.  It was nice to have my mom hug me.

Knowing how my mom loses things, I put the beads around her neck.  She sat on the patio, holding her beads while she prayed to my favorite Catholic Saint, the Blessed Virgin Mary.

I wrote my blog post while she was outside.  I wrote to everyone, including my sister Donna.  I needed to understand why she abandoned me; it bothered me to think that I did something wrong to piss her off.  I cried.  I missed my sister.  I needed her wicked bad.

I cried and prayed for a miracle.  I prayed for my own angel to swoop in and come to my aid.  I couldn't wait until Tuesday.

Send Me All Angels!

Donna replied to my note, a short note, "I'll be there at 11am.  I hope you can Brian can go out."  I cried.  I bawled my eyes out.  My sister, my sister Donna, heard my cry.  She was coming to help me.  I was excited, but I cried.  I couldn't stop.  It was like the flood gates were opened, my tears flowed uncontrollably.

I pulled myself together so that I could tell my mom that she was going out.  Mom was sitting on the patio, holding her sister's Rosary Beads when I walked down the stairs to tell her the good news.  "Donna's coming!  She'll be here soon.  Let me fix your hair."

I set my mom's hair so that it wouldn't look so wild.  I know that she likes to look nice when she goes out and if her hair is messy, it affects her behaviors.  My mom was happy to hear that Donna was coming.

The excitement that I was getting a break, caused me to pace the back yard, waiting for my relief to arrive.

I was at the back yard gate when I saw it open.  It was my sister Donna.  I hugged her.  I cried.  I sobbed.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  She looked like an angel with her big bright shiny face.  My sister, she came, she came to help me.  I was overwhelmed with joy and love, my family... they haven't forgotten about me!

Off my mom went with Donna, I had 5 hours to myself.  Brian and I went to our favorite Chinese Restaurant.  Our favorite waiter served us, he knows what soup I like and he always knows that I need a Mai Tai as soon as we are seated; he knows that I'm my mom's care giver.  Joe the waiter, served me.  Even though we were getting the buffet, he still brought us our soup and dry noodles, followed by a strong Mai Tai with a string of maraschino cherries on a plastic toothpick.  I know that these cherries are not good for me but I love them and only have them every so often in a strong Mai Tai.

I had 3 Mai Tai's.  I got bombed.  It felt good to be drunk at 1pm and strolling the local hardware store with my husband.  O'Connor's Hardware is the best, it reminds me of the type of stores from my childhood.  The place brings me back to a happier time.

My husband and me, we had a great little date yesterday.  Brian, he is the love of my life and always has a way of brightening my day when I need it the most.  I'm grateful to have a man like him as my partner in life.

Brian is funny, he knows how to make me laugh.  He is a born comedian who is very smart... hey, he married me didn't he?!

Donna gave me a CD when she walked through the gate.  Kris Allen's CD, the winner of American Idol last year.

Immediately I ripped it into my media center.  The first song that started to play was "Send Me All Angels."  I busted out crying as I listened to the song.  The words of the song touched me, it was as though the answer to my prayers were answered and the song, "Send Me All Angels" was the sign to tell me that help is here and more is coming.

I love angels.  I love BVM.  I love my family, they are my angels.  Thank you all for coming to my rescue.  The rash on my arm... well, it's going away!  It doesn't itch as much today and it's not as red.  My angels, all of you are helping me.  Thank you for saving me from despair.

Excited and Nervous

Today the Visiting Angels are coming to meet my mom and me.  I'm excited and nervous.  My mom doesn't like people, she is anti-social and has been for as long as I can remember.  My mom doesn't make friends easily because she's shy.  My mom lacks social skills which makes me nervous.

I'm excited because the visits from the Visiting Angel will give me the break that I have been dreaming about for a very long time.  I will be able to get my dollar a minute massage at the mall, shop by myself and even better, possibly get to go and play a game of golf with my husband.  We love golf and often reminisce about the days before we were married, days when we had freedom to enjoy the little things that life has to offer.  I'm excited with the idea that regular respite is possible and it is happening!

I'm nervous because I don't know how my mom is going to react to her respite Care Giver.  If she doesn't like the person, she will surely let me know about it.  Typically, she'll lash out at me through behaviors that are annoying if she doesn't like something that I'm "making" her do.

I am excited and nervous.  I'm anxious for the angels to arrive and offer their help.  I pray that my mom is agreeable and likes her new buddy.  Change to her routine is always challenging, often it brings out the worst in my mom which makes care giving unbearable.

My sister Ann is coming to my rescue.  I'm grateful to have someone from my family to walk with as Lewy wins the war over my mom's mind and body.   It's a scary illness, mostly because we are all at risk.  It can happen to me, it could happen to anyone in my family or yours.  I'm grateful that I don't have to walk the path alone with my mom, Thank God, it's way too hard these days.

Today however, I'm excited and nervous with anticipation of having time to do things that bring me inner peace and happiness.  I feel like a kid the night before a field trip to  Benson's Wild Animal Farm... excited!

Three Old Ladies

Who knew that 3 old ladies could create such a disturbance in ones life?


My mom, she's the crazy one with some form of Alzheimer's.  I believe it's Lewy Bodies Dementia.  She's been nuts for a little more than two years.  


Today she hates me.  She knows that it hurts me when she tells me that I'm not her family; mom manages to sling this at me when I'm down.  Today, she yelled, "You are not my family!  I want my family!"


My mom likes to make me cry.  She thinks there's 3 of me.  I'm waiting for evening to change my cloths so that she thinks I'm the nurse that she likes.  


My mom doesn't like Jay living here with us, so she's making life a living hell for me and everyone else in my house.


I have cried for days.  My heart is heavy.  My world feels like it's collapsing around me.  I just can't hold up all of these old ladies, not with out a break.  I haven't had a break in weeks.  I need a break more than I've ever needed one.  I don't know when one will come.  Sigh.


All of my spare time, little as it was, has been consumed by my aged Aunt Jay.  An Aunt that I love with all of my heart.  


Jay has been there for me my entire life; I owe her.  She's been there for everyone.  Now, when she needs me most, I can't help her.  


I am too stressed out.  It's too hard juggling everyone and everything, spreading myself thin in order to make everyone happy.  No one is happy, especially me... I'm miserable.  I KNOW that no one can make anyone happy, but for some retarded reason, I tried.  I failed miserably.  I lost my focus of making myself happy first.  


Somehow, living with someone who is insane seems to create more insanity.  It's a very weird energy, an energy that I'm beginning to believe can turn the most sane person into a babbling idiot.  


Will respite help me to deal with the crazy energy or am I destined to be a nut too?


The stress isn't good for Jay.  I asked her to leave two days ago but she told me she can't leave, she's worrying about me.  For some reason she thinks if she's here praying the Rosary, she can fix all of this trouble.   Unless of course the Blessed Virgin comes down herself and fixes things, I'll start to say the Rosary every day too.  


Jay sees that I need a break.  She wants to help me with my mom, but my mom considers her a "Butt-in-ski".   My mom's got a bad attitude when it comes to Jay helping.  Initially, Jay helped and her help was graciously accepted by my mom.  Then, Jay had to put in her two cents and sided with me on something, my mom immediately turned on her one time best friend.


... then there's my MIL.  She's got all her marbles.  She keeps to herself and rarely butts in.  I feel bad that she has to live in this crazy nightmare of mine.  I feel bad for my husband too for reasons too numerous to list.  If I did, it may send me into a depression!


Life with three old ladies is intense.  I think I could handle things better if I had more frequent breaks.  I'm in a rut.  I need respite in order to schedule more respite.  


Help!  Are there any volunteers that can step up and give me a day off so that I can do what I need to get regularly scheduled respite?  Please.  I really need help.  I'm dying over here.  Thanks in advance.

Everything Is Possible When We Believe!

This weekend is our 2nd wedding anniversary.... 2 years have passed since I was laid off unexpectedly.  I lost my income.  It was horrifying to have the floor drop below my feet, a floor that felt secure and safe, a security that I now realize was false.  

Fortunately, my husband and I were already engaged at the time and had been planning a July wedding, a modest celebration, nothing fancy... a Hawaiian Theme ... we wanted a Luau. 

In Massachusetts where we live, Mitt Romney our former Republican governor had put into law that everyone needed health insurance.  If you didn't have insurance you would be fined.  How was I going to afford health insurance?

I cried a lot.  My awesome husband had a great idea, "Let's get married now, we can have a shot gun wedding of the 21st Century, for Health Insurance!"  Super idea but I was in no shape to plan a wedding.  We picked the date, April 11 - 411, just like the number we dial for telephone information. 

With only a week to plan our wedding, my husband did all the leg work; I only needed to show up.  It wasn't anything big.  We married in our living room, wedding crashers and all.  The plan was to have the Justice of the Peace come to our house, marry us in the living room with only our mom's present.  However, my sister had a different idea, she was coming.  When my sister told my nephew, he said, "I'm going!"  Then when my brother in law found out that my sister and nephew were crashing my wedding, he wanted to come along too.

It all worked out.  The morning of my wedding my sister asked me if I had any flowers.  Of course I didn't.  She called her friend at Nunan's Florist and asked him if he could make up a bouquet and a few corsarges.   Very short notice.  He didn't have the flowers.  Somehow, he found flowers and made me a beautiful bouquet with matching corsarges for our moms.

Thanks to my wedding crashers, I have a beautiful video of my wedding day.  Every time I watch it it makes me cry happy tears.  Our wedding vows are words that touched my heart.  I married my best friend.

Two years we have been married.  It's almost hard to believe that much time has passed, it feels like yesterday that I promised to love my husband forever.  He's easy to love.

Over the last 2 years, we married, sold my house, moved, my mom lost her mind along the way, my mother in law didn't like me, now she does, Savita had 16 teeth removed, she's feeling much better, we got two new kittens, I lost 50 pounds, my mom lost 90, my mom has more good days than not so good days, mom sleeps through the night and this weekend...

WE ARE FREE FROM CAREGIVING DUTIES!

God love my sister and her husband... they have taken my mom for 4 days.  FOUR days off from being a care giver.... wooo hooo!  The first thing on the plan was a lunch date to our favorite Mexican Restaurant where we had Margaritta's...  I slept for 12 hours; I can not handle alcohol.  Today I feel great.

I sent my mom off with a manual, "How to Take Care of Ma", listing instructions and warnings.  What to feed mom, what to avoid.  When to give her supplements, what to give her to keep her balanced and knowing the difference between day and night.

Well, my sister didn't read the instruction manual last night.  She totally forgot to give my mom the Ashwagandha, 8 drops in a shot glass that is 1/2 full of water.  My mom was up at 2, 3, 4, and 5.  Ashwagandha helps with insomnia.  Now,  we all know to never run out of Ashwagandha extract.

Today the birds are chirping, the sun is shining and we have the weekend to ourselves.   My mom, she'll see her family this weekend, her Maine family.  I'm really excited for her and all of them to get to spend some time with her.  Especially now that we've figured out how to give her more good days. 

My dream is coming true, my mom is happy and my family is having an opportunity to enjoy some time with Ma before her time on Earth runs out. 

Everything is possible when we believe!