Notes From Mom's Day Care

My Mom talking to me after work yesterday...

a few short days ago, she was out of it, pooping herself, not talking, not eating and not responding.  

I  believed that the end was near.

Several weeks ago, the nurses and aides at my mom's Day Care Program and I started a "Communication Book."

In it, we write notes back and forth.  I report on my mom's night; did she sleep, have a bowel movement (BM), cognition, moods, behaviors... it's our way of passing the torch from one Care Giver to the next.  It's been working out great.

We have less night bowel issues where my mom poo's on the floor.  I now KNOW if I need to be on alert at night; guiding her to the porcelain throne.  Clean up has been minimal, which I'm truly grateful.  Poo sucks and I will do anything to avoid cleaning it up off the floor or carpets.

The Communication Book works well.

Before my mom's hospital stay, the notes home would tell me when she had a BM, the size which we categorize as small, medium, large, extra large and MASSIVE.

Communicated in the notes was her level of  agitation, wandering behaviors or if she was having a fairly OK day.  Good days were becoming fewer and fewer.  She was losing her ability to communicate.  I began to worry that a bed in a home would not open soon enough.

My mom was hospitalized.  Touch and go for awhile, I wasn't sure what to do.  Pull the plug or put her in a home and let her suffer with this illness?  I was uncertain.  I knew in my heart that I couldn't take her home and care for her if she couldn't walk or talk to me.

A nursing home could have been in Mom's future yesterday but, Clonidine worked to lower her blood pressure and the side effects helped her cognition issues.  I thought I'd give her time to visit her "work" friends and say a proper good bye before moving to her new "job."  Our plan is to ease her in to the nursing home with a smooth transition; my attempt to make the move as pleasant as we can.  I feel in my heart that this is the right way to go with my mom's nursing home placement.

Yesterday, Mom was very talkative.  She was very pleasant.  She danced with me when she got home.

The notes from her Day Care were amazing.

Yesterday, my mom was able to do the following...

1.  Spell her entire name.  It's not an easy name with a first name with 9 letters and a last name that has 11 letters.  The Nurse's Aide was amazed; I could feel the enthusiasm in her choice of words.

2.  She remembered that she had 5 kids.  3 girls and 2 boys.  She remembered everyone's name but one.  She just couldn't remember.  My mom hasn't been able to remember ANYONE'S name for quite some time.

3.  She confiscated my light blue L.L. Bean hooded sweatshirt with $2 bucks in the pocket.  Wearing it made her so happy that I told her that she could wear it to work.  I told her the 2 bucks was there in case she needed it.  Boy, did that make her happy.

I didn't put her name on the jacket, it's mine, she was just using it.  I did write her name in the jacket when my mom got home, she insisted that I write her name on it so I did.

The Aide wrote home and told me that my mom insisted it was her jacket.  My mom told her about the $2 bucks in the pocket.  My mom came home with the jacket on; the aide didn't believe her and asked me to send it back if it wasn't her sweatshirt.  My little mom was RIGHT!

4.  Mom sang the entire alphabet yesterday!

It was awesome to read about my mom's accomplishments.  Last night, my mom laid in bed and told me that she has been trying hard to remember and yesterday, it all came back to her.  Mom went to bed happy.

Off today at 7AM, toileting... done.  Lunch... made.  Now, I wait for more notes from Mom's Day Care.

Holding the Power of Life

My Mom...
the day after I nearly "pulled the plug"
She LIVES!

I am my mom's Care Giver and I'm also her Health Care Proxy.  Everyone needs a proxy; if not, the healthcare professionals will take all measures to keep you alive, regardless of the pain and suffering it will cause the patient.  I find this practice barbaric.

My mom has a terminal illness, she won't get better.  In the hospital over the weekend, her cognition was fluctuating like I've never seen it in the past.  She wouldn't wake up on Sunday. She was losing her bowels.    She wouldn't eat and she wouldn't take her high blood pressure liquid medicine from our ND.

The natural remedy to lower her blood pressure was the only thing that was working.  Pharma drugs elevated her blood pressure with a crazy range, 200/50.

"I don't know what to do, Doctor."  I sobbed as we stood around my mom's bed.

"I don't either."  The doctor honestly replied.

"Should I do Comfort Measures Only?"  I asked.

The doctor, not sure if CMO was the right way to go, began thinking out loud.  She mentioned Clonidine and then we discussed this new drug for my mom.

"You know, she doesn't look like she's dying to me.  I've seen people rally from this sort of behavior.  Maybe if we can get her blood pressure down she'll come back."  The doctor compassionately spoke.

My mom, her eyes were locked on to mine as though she was peering into my soul.  Did she understand that I was making a life choice for her?  Do I pull the proverbial plug?  I didn't know what to do.  The doctor put doubt in my mind.

I questioned my decision, could it be too soon?

My mom, she gave me a Mona Lisa smile when I told the doctor to try the pharmaceutical; our last shot.

It worked!

My mom sprang back from the threshold of death's door.

Yesterday, she came home.  Alert, awake and talking up a storm; finding some of her words.  The Clonidine worked.  Her BP is normal.  She slept through the night and even used the toilet herself.

On the drive home from the hospital she started to laugh as she said, "I thought it was funny yesterday when you were crying, making the decision to pull the plug."

I have learned that holding the power of life in my hands is not to be taken lightly.  As someone's Health Care Proxy, you are the one who is the voice for the patient that can't speak for themselves.

Two days ago, I held my mom's life in my hands; it's like nothing I've ever experienced.  Left with a feeling of part executioner and part Dr. Kevorkian; I was forced to make a choice that regarded my mom's life.

Today, my mom is alive.  I held her life in my hands.  I made the decision to try one last thing before helping her leave and catch the bus to Heaven.

I'm happy.  I have some of my mom back.  This morning, she was alert and even knew who I was; miraculous!

Antibiotics ... Caution!

"Ma!? Can you hear me?". I nervously asked my mom yesterday. She was out of it, sleeping constantly with lots of confusion. She was able to eat. I sent her to the Day Program.

She couldn't get out of the car without help. She slept.

The nurse at the program and I were in communication. If she didn't wake up for lunch, I planned on going to get her.

I did.

Four of us had to lift her into the truck. My plan was to take her home to sleep it off. She was not responding to me at all. I pulled the truck over and dug out my cell phone.

"Hi Brian? I don't know what to do. My mother is out of it. I won't be able to get her out of the truck and upstairs. I think I'm going to take her to the hospital." I said, as my mind went back in time, a time when my mom was in the ER nearly every weekend.

"Good idea. Call me if you need me. I love you." Brian said in a reassuring tone.

We made it to the hospital. My mom was wheeled into the ER, with me running behind her.

She was admitted.

Mom has pneumonia and a bowel infection. Antibiotics that she had been on to cure her UTI killed the good flora in the intestine allowing C.Diff to grow. I've never seen my mom this ill. Last night, she looked like death was near.

Today she looks a little better. Eyes are open and she's sort of talking. We just got her up and she walked to the bathroom with help.

I love this hospital and the care they are giving my mom. She is not freaking out like she was at the other hospital that she was in last September.

Open Letter To Politicians Who Want to Cut Medicare and Medicaid

Hello?!  Is Anyone Listening?

Dear Politicians Who Want to Cut Medicare and Medicaid,

Romans had similar issues as we do in this country; unemployment, heavy military spending, occupation of foreign countries, morals out the window, politicians fighting and all the money with a small group of people. 

I can’t see how our country can go on doing the same thing as the Romans and avoid our own fall.

History is beginning to repeat itself and it freaks me out.

I am concerned for future generations.  We are leaving them a world of slavery where Corporations are worshiped and our identities are tied to “what we do” for a job.

Our military spending is outrageous.  Our occupation of other countries is sinful and makes me feel ashamed. 

I’m sickened that kids get hurt and when they come home they are forgotten.    Wounded soldiers, seniors and children are being left behind; all three have no value to the bottom line.

When Clinton was in office he taxed the wealthy and the rest of us had boom years.  Life was good; we were on the way to paying off our National debt.  We had hope.  Life was great for us.  We had a plan.

I was living the good life during the Clinton years.  Living the American Dream, I did my part to build our economy.   I worked, paid taxes and consumed stuff.

George Bush was elected and suddenly the best smoke and mirrors show ever occurred.  Our countries surplus budget went away, I was laid off, nearly lost my home and the beginning of our inflated and made up deficit came to light with the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. 

Our country began plummeting further and further into debt as more and more money was funneled to defense.  We are in troubled times, just like in Rome before the great fall.

The latest news about cutting Medicare and Medicaid, making it privatized, will cost seniors MORE money in premiums; premiums that only benefit special interests.   

I have one question … how did privatizing retirement plans work out for us citizens?  Why do we believe privatizing our Medicare Insurance that we paid into our entire lives will work out any better?  It’s just another way to keep the illusion going that we are broke!  We’re not broke folks, we just need to balance the wealth.

The middle class is sinking into poverty while the top 1% holds the keys to the chains that are binding us into corporate slavery.  The American Dream is quickly becoming a pipedream.  Every person in our country has become a corporate slave with little free time to spend with the people that matter to us. 

Caring for ill family is challenging, cutting Medicare and Medicaid will make the burden too much for anyone to handle on their own. 

I am speaking from experience.

Before my mom began receiving help and qualified for the Community Based Program, I was her lone care giver.   Sleep deprived, working round the clock, cleaning messes, calming fright from hallucinations, no time off … all the heavy lifting associated with caring for someone with dementia was on my shoulders. 

Families don’t help Care Givers; period and it can’t be expected.   It’s complicated because everyone has their own issues to solve.

It’s been my experience and the experience of so many other care givers that I have met along my journey; we are on our own.   Cutting Medicare and Medicaid would add an incredible burden on the shoulders of the Care Giver in every family. ..  i.e. ME!

There is an easy solution; tax the wealthiest of Americans!  It will bring down the National Debt, it was proven during the Clinton years.  Medicare and Medicaid will be safe.  Social Security will remain untouched.  Unemployment will go down… I’ll be free to get a job and be able to pay taxes.  My taxes will help pay for services like Police, Fire and Teachers. 

Reverse the Bush Era Tax cuts and our economy will get back on track and people will feel hopeful again. 

Right now, I feel like I’m ready to walk into a chamber and get gassed like some of my Polish relatives.

I’m sick that politicians want to cut benefits for seniors.  I don’t know what we’ll do with my mom; she’s broke.  She needs the benefits.  We can’t afford to private pay for a nursing home.  We can’t afford to private pay someone to come in and help my mom or for her day program.    I will be forced to continue caring for my mother in my home; her condition will make it an impossible feat.

Do Republicans who accused the Democrats of death panels, want to euthanize people that can’t afford to pay the costs of a home?   They may as well; the cuts will harm many people… for what purpose?  Tax cuts to the super rich?  How much money do the wealthy need anyway? 

The richest of American's, especially Corporations, need to pay their fair share of taxes. 

Am I even being heard?  

Does anyone care? 

Why do I feel like I’m standing alone, screaming on the edge of the ocean?  

Like Living In A Horror Movie

America's Stonehenge
Salem, NH

Yesterday, I saw on the news that the Republican Politicians want to cut Medicare and Medicaid in order to fund tax cuts to the wealthy.  The news is shocking.

How can these few folks have any conscience?  How can these people who claim to be Christians cut the programs that help the disabled and seniors?  Where's the love and compassion that all of them have learned as Christians?

We all pay into the Medicare Tax, it's a social insurance pool, so that one day when we reach 65 we will begin to receive the benefits.  However, Republican politicians like Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin wants to cut Medicare and Medicaid in order for his Corporate cronies to continue to receive more tax cuts.

Blinded by the glitter of promise for salvation from the overlords, politicians chose to cut programs that help folks.  For some people, Medicare or Medicaid is all that they have; without the Federal aid of the insurance plan that the individual paid into for decades, they will die.

I hear the Republican politicians accuse the Democratic politicians of "Death Panels."  Cutting Medicaid and Medicare benefits would cause people to be thrown out of nursing homes because they don't have the money to pay the expenses associated with their care.  The burden of care will land on the laps of relatives; unfair to everyone.

It's as though the Republicans are doing the old switch-a-roo; let's accuse the opposition of doing the very thing we have up our sleeves.  In my opinion, Republicans want the Death Panels because then they can take more of our money and give it to the richest of the rich.

Nursing home care is expensive.  If someone doesn't have money today, Medicaid will pay.  If the Republicans get their way, lots of people will be tossed out, left to fend for themselves.

My mom, she's about to enter a nursing home.  Caring for her has become too difficult as her condition worsens.  I can not imagine caring for my mother in my home without any help.

If the cuts come as we are being threatened, I will be forced to stay home and continue caring for my mother. I will not be able to get a job and pay in to the system with my income tax.  It's how the systems was designed to work; we pay taxes and in return we have services like Fire and Police Departments, Teachers, Libraries and help with Medical conditions.

My solution to our current fabricated deficit is easy, instead of cutting services like Medicaid and Medicare, tax the super rich.  How much money do they need?  Stop the wars, they serve no one but the wealthy.

Watching the news, seeing the ads on TV, hearing the chatter I am left in a state of disbelief.  How can this be happening in my country, the United States of America?  How?  Why?  I have more questions than answers.

Recently, I found my answers when I watched a documentary online; "Ethos the Movie."  It explains the facts behind the corruption that is so intrinsically woven into our countries fibers; shining a bright light on the truth that is frightening to see.  I have been deceived, we all have been and it sucks.

I highly recommend every person in this country, watch this film. It tells us why we are in this mess.  It is our call to action folks.

"Ethos the Movie"

"Ethos the Movie," narrated by Woody Harellson, explains why we ARE NOT BROKE as a country, it's just that 400 of the wealthiest people, have all the money and won't stop until they have it all.

Gradually, we are losing our freedom to the thugs who possess all of the cash and have bought politicians using the blood of innocent victims.  Politicians, all of them have been poisoned and are drunk with power or fear; not sure which it is at this point.

What gives anyone the right to control us?  

Many people won't watch the film.  I wonder if it's because they would prefer not to know the truth.  Living in a fantasy suits them just fine; sitting like a duck, never seeing the bullet, unpreparedness causing great remorse when it's too late.

It's still not to late for us to take a stand; there are more of us than there are of them.  Mom in her demented state of mind has taught me a valuable lesson; no matter how insane we become, we always have the power of NO on our side.

We can say NO!

History is repeating itself.  My country reminds me of Rome just before the great fall of the Roman Empire.  Fat cat politicians, just like the ones we have here in America, sat on there thrones in ivory towers while the people suffered.  War, unemployment and broken moral compasses being some of the causes of the great decline of a once massive empire.

Greed for money and power consumed their thoughts; like a heroin addict desperate for their next fix.  The outcome was inevitable, Rome fell.  

Is the United States of America dying?  Can we save her?  Is it worth it?

I love my country.  I am heart broken over the lies and deception that keep us all prisoners even though we were led to believe that we are free.

I have made a decision... I'm saying NO MORE.  I am voicing my opinions to everyone who will hear me.  It's not too late if we unite; there is strength in numbers.

Write to your Congressmen, your State and Federal Senators.  Tell them what you think and voice your opinions.  Call with solutions.  Please, do something too.  Please for the sake of future generations and the children of today, write an email, call on the phone, write a letter... talk, talk to everyone.  Raise awareness.

Together we can change the course of history and write a new story for our country, America the Beautiful.

It Takes Courage To Be A Leader

Me in Alaska
"Excuse me... let me show you the way."

It is dangerous to be right in matters where established men are wrong.

French Philosopher, Voltaire

This morning after my mom left for the day, I began to clean up the kitchen.  I felt my Dad’s energy very strong.  I welcomed him and immediately he was in my mind’s eye speaking to 8 year old me; explaining how important it is to be a leader in life.

Dad often taught me that it takes courage to be a leader.  

He believed in the infinite power within that we all possess; he taught me to cherish this incredible energy force that I possess and to build my life around it.  We all possess the power; it’s the sacred energy of life that makes us human and different than inanimate objects. 

One day I remember him saying, “Susan, there will be other leaders out there in the form of bullies, there are bullies everywhere who want to steal your power.  They will try and take your toys or as you get older, they will try to take anything that you have in order to have power over you.  

Bullies use fear and they will try to take you away from yourself, but remember only you can give them your power.  To be a leader is to be able to maintain your power, the power of YOU.  Hold it close because it will save you from all harm.  

Courage, it takes courage to be a leader and YOU are a leader, you have courage.”

Courage

Dad was right; it took courage to be a leader throughout my life.   I've faced many bullies; Lewy Bodies Dementia being the biggest bully of all.  

I have stood up to the bullies of life, fighting with my intelligence and uncovering the facts.  Courageously, I weathered some tough storms.  I thank my Dad for helping me to have the courage to realize that I have the confidence to do what needs to be done.

Confidence

I am confident in my abilities to manifest goodness in my life.  

Caring for my mom, challenged my confidence in myself.  I was forced to look within and remember WHO I AM and what I am capable of achieving through the power of my intent. It was the only way I was able to be free from the negativity and sadness associated with Lewy Bodies Dementia.  

Care Giving for another human takes courage, lots of courage mixed with confidence in oneself.  The greatest gift one can recognize is being able to stand before another adult human and help them with the most basic activities of daily living (ADL.)

  

In my opinion, Care Giver’s are great leaders because we have compassion.  

Care Givers are not afraid to face adversity, to stand up and use our voice and say NO for our loved ones.  It takes courage to have faith in ourselves too, to believe that we can even when most folks run in fear.   

What makes me believe Politicians can learn from the Care Givers of this world? 

Care Givers are not fearful but hope-filled.  We are compassionate.  Care Givers do what we need to do in order to make a positive change in another human’s life, all while we strive for our own inner peace.  

"When God created money, he cried."  

my Polish Grandmother - 1960's

We  find peace within other humans that we interact with, not our jobs, money or the things money can buy.  Care Giving shows us that "stuff" doesn't matter, the most important element of life is other people and our ability to share life experiences.  

Believing in the power of ME has helped me to overcome obstacles while providing the fortitude to keep on keeping on.  

Dad taught me that true Leaders never quit, we change the plan in order to benefit those in our charge.   In my opinion, every Care Giver that I am honored to know and will meet in the future, have the qualities of a true leader.

BINGO!

Mom, busy counting her "Bingo Money" change jar

Yesterday, it snowed all morning so I made the decision to keep my mom home from "work."  She slept late, which was awesome for me; I got to drink an entire cup of coffee uninterrupted.

Mom woke and was a bit anxious, she felt like she needed to be somewhere as she said, "I need to get to work!"

I had the Frank Sinatra music channel tuned in on Pandora Radio, music seems to distract her, especially when it's a swinging tune that makes her dance.

Anxiety was a little high for her yesterday, I had to think of something to keep her occupied. Like a shot, the thought came to me, "I'll get her change jar from the day when she had clearer thinking, before Lewy took over her brain."

I set her up on the dinning room table with her change.

BINGO!  It worked.

She sat for an hour sorting the change.  It was difficult for her to sort the money, but she didn't seem to care.  My mom has always loved money; counting her change seemed to put her in a happy place.

Mom began walking around the house dancing.  In this mini-video, she had no idea that I was sitting in the room, she loves the song so much, it made her get up and come closer to the TV so that she could listen and dance.  I love it when my mom dances, it means she's happy.

Counting money was something that my mom always enjoyed before she lost her mind.  It is still something that brings her joy.  I'm grateful to have recently found her jar of change, it sure did help us get through the snow day.

Set Mom up in the Den
She counted her change and drank her tea for another hour.

I've learned with Lewy Bodies Dementia, doing activities that remind her of her past seem to give her a sense of control in her life.  The perceived control that she had over her money made her more agreeable and pleasant all day.

We had a GREAT DAY yesterday... even the cats behaved.

Sammy chillin'

Shakti being Shakti

Mother Nature's April Fool's Day Joke - 2011

2011 April 1
Definitely not a funny joke, Mother Nature!

Today, I woke up and looked out the window in disbelief.

SNOW!  

Accumulating snow.  My heart sank.  Visions of preparing my garden beds for seed, up in flames.  Father Winter is back for one last hu-rah.

Do I send Ma to work?

I watch the news and the weather report wasn't very encouraging.  I made the decision to keep my mom home.

Today, Mom is home and the cats are stuck inside because the snow is getting deep.  The idea of having one of them up a tree on a day like today... I shudder to think of it.

No thank you.... sorry cats, you are in for today.

Have You Ever Had One Of Those Days?

Shakti and Sammy with the thumbs

This morning, I woke up at 5 AM, thanks to Samster, our tuxedo cat with thumbs.

"Brrrbbbrrrr, meeeeeeeeeeeeee, eeeuuuuu, brrrbbrrrr... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Sammy anxiously spoke and paced around me as I lay motionless in my bed.

I was hoping to trick him; it didn't work.  I woke up and he was gleeful.  Jumping up on his hind legs for my hand, he sang his morning song,   "Brrrrbbbrrrr eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

I patted his little head as I said, "Oh, Sammy's a good boy, want to eat?"

Sammy understands eat; he raced me up the stairs.  He was one hungry cat.

I woke my mom at 5:30 AM.  She couldn't open her eyes.  She walked with them closed and refused to walk into the bathroom.  Planting her feet into the floor, she stiffened her body and fought my guidance.  I knew that she needed the toilet, she told me.

"Don't get sucked in Sue," I thought silently.  Stay calm.

"Today will be a GREAT day!"  I exclaim to myself, hoping to help improve the events of the day.  Typically, I say this before my feet hit the floor when I rise out of bed; today I forgot, Sammy was talking way too much.

Mom didn't have a very good start this morning.  She would have preferred to stay in bed than get up, get dressed and be out the door by 7 AM; off to the day program.  My mom is much more confused today making care giving more intense.  We got through the morning and she was in the van at 7AM with Martha.

"Yay!!!!!  The day is getting better already," I thought.

9 AM Shakti and Sammy had an appointment at the vet for their rabbis and leukemia shot.  Neither were very thrilled with the ride.  They had excellent health reports and as we left, the doctor said, "Have a good summer, unless of course these guys get into mischief outside."

Ah, thanks Doc for putting that thought out into the ethers!

Around 11:30, I was going out for a walk in the neighborhood, I went out and whistled for the cats to get them to come inside... they always come to my whistle.

I went inside to put on my walking shoes.  I came back out and whistled again when I heard dogs barking.  On the next street over, I saw 2 big dogs chasing a woman carrying a little dog.  Immediately, I whistled for the cats to come inside.  Shakti, she was already on the deck, watching something that was scary, she stood with her escape stance as she waited for the door to open.

Sammy, he was no where to be found.  

I heard more barking near the creek on the other side of the fence.  Like a shot in the silent night, I heard more barking, a cat screech, frantic cat claws on a tree,  followed by lots of barking.

Crap!  

Sammy, stuck way up in the tree

I ran out back.  I saw Sammy WAY up in the skinniest tree in the woods.  How the hell was I going to get him down?

Opening the back gate, the 2 dogs were at the bottom of the tree.  I yelled, "GO HOME.  GET OUT OF HERE!"  They began to growl at me - yikes!  I shut the gate fast and found a big stick.

I yelled... "GET OUT OF HERE!  GO HOME!"  As I slapped the stick against the fence post... the stick broke in half.  I had no weapon...more growling, this time one showed me his teeth.

"AHHHHHHH!"

I needed a bigger stick.  I shut the gate fast and looked around for another stick that wouldn't break.

Sammy, watching me try to save him.

Sammy watched from above, perched in the tree as I said, "Don't worry Sammy, I'm coming!"

Cautiously, I opened the gate again.  The dogs were gone and I was able to get closer to the tree where Sammy was perched about 20 feet or more in the air.  I had no idea how I was going to get him out of the tree.

The extension ladder was too short.

The tree was too thick to shake him out.

Dog Claw Print!

I had an idea... I'll show him how to climb down.  I began to scratch the tree trunk, making motions like I was climbing down.  "Use those thumbs you got!"  I said out loud to the cat.  He cocked his little head from side to side; he seemed to understand what I was trying to show him.

Sammy made a motion to climb down the tree head first.  "Yay!" I thought to myself, until a big gust of wind shook the tree top where he was perched.  Frozen motionless, he stopped trying.

I called my husband in a panic.  "Brian, Sammy is stuck way up in a skinny tree.  I don't know how to get him down."

"Let me check if I have meetings scheduled... no meetings, I'll be right home."  Brian said in a cheerful voice.  Thank God for Brian, I thought as I ran back out to stand next to the tree where Sammy was stuck.

Tilting his head, this way and that, Sammy was trying to figure out how to get down.  It was a puzzle.  He's good with puzzles.  I like to make puzzles with treats inside that he has to figure out how to solve; he always does.

"It's OK."  I said to him in my high pitched cat voice.  He knows this phrase and will come to us if he's scared and we say these 2 words.  He wasn't budging.

"Think!" I thought to myself.

My blogger friend Kathy wrote a comment on a post from a different time when Sammy was chased up a tree by a fox and Shakti was stuck up in a tree.  Kathy's daughter's kitten was stuck in a tree, she used a pillow case as a net.

BRILLIANT!  

On that thought, I ran in the house for a pillow case, returning with a sheet instead; Sammy is a 13 pound cat.  I picked a hammer and nails out of the garage cabinet; my idea was to nail the sheet to the surrounding trees and make a net to catch Sammy if he fell.

I thought I could shake the tree...

Guess again Sue.

Brian on the 20 ft extension ladder
"You're going to have to climb down, Buddy."

Ta Ta Da!  Brian to the rescue!!!

Brian arrived, got the big extension ladder.

Sammy climbed down
I couldn't photo it, I was standing there with the sheet
ready to catch him if he fell

Climbed it and Sammy climbed down like a little Koala Bear into Brian's arms.

Brian and Sammy
Yay!  

Once inside....

The phone rings, "Hello, Sue?  This isn't an emergency, it's Denise at All Care, your mom wanted me to call her mother.{my heart sank}  She's having a rough day....  We even tried to bribe her with a piece of cake, she wouldn't have anything to do with it.... Can she come home early if we can't calm her?  Will someone be home?"

"Yes, I'll be here.  She can come home."  I replied.

I don't know if she's coming home early or not.  It's now 3:15pm, she's due at 4pm... maybe she ate that piece of cake after all and decided to stay?

Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to be moving backward?

Tomorrow, is a new day with new adventures involving cats and demented mothers... stay tuned.

My Trip Through The 5 Stages Of Grief

My family in 1968
visiting our Grandmother
Gardner State Mental Institution

When I first learned that my mom's condition was Lewy Bodies Dementia, I was in shock...

Denial; stage one of coping with grief.  

I began this blog when I was in my first stage of grief.  My husband suggested it would help me to cope.  It also stopped some of my complaining to him; the best way to destroy any friendship.

I wrote and wrote and wrote. 

I researched and looked for answers.  I found some, but never found the magic bullet that would cure my mom.  I was in total denial of her impending demise; it was only a matter of time before she expired.  I wouldn't allow myself to think about her dying.

I wrote more.

Caring for my mom became more difficult and my expectations caused me more misery than they helped.  I expected so much from my family and friends but I came up short.  Unrealistic expectations got the best of me.  I became angry with everyone, lashing out in horribly hurtful ways; I am so sorry for this behavior.

I was angry; stage two of grief.

Care Giver's, please take my advice.  You may be angry now with your family, but it won't last if you meet everyone half way.  We don't have any right to judge anyone or expect something from someone because of an ideal we hold dear to our hearts.

Looking back at my own experiences when I was fighting with my siblings, writing terrible blog posts that I'm sure hurt their feelings; it didn't serve me.  I didn't feel better.  Yes, it felt good to get it off my chest and lash out like a 4 year old, but once I calmed down, I felt really bad; totally not worth the price.

We search for peace, we pray, we beg God for help.  We are angry.  I became super angry and even questioned the point of life and if there really was a God.  Who is this God?  Why is all this shit happening to me?  Oh, poor me... pity party time.  No one came to my party, not even God.

God isn't external to me... I believe God lives inside of each of us, it's what keeps us all united as one.  We are created in the likeness of God, so in my opinion... we're all a spark of God.

Ok... so, I began to bargain with myself; the 3rd stage of grief.

"Maybe if Ma takes this supplement, it will cure her?"

"Maybe if Ma has Acupuncture, she'll be cured?"

"I'll create a hypnosis script for her, that will help."

"I'll do Reiki on her every day, that will surely cure her."

I asked myself all sorts of questions about things that I discovered through the power of Google.  I was bargaining with the Universe.

I prayed to Mother Mary for a miracle.

My cousins are back!

A miracle did happen, but it wasn't the miracle I was looking for; it was better.  My anger subsided and my siblings and my cousin came back into my life.  My loneliness was being lifted; I needed to hear their voices.

My big sisters and our mom

My sister, brother and Mom

I felt better being able to call them on the phone and talk.  I especially am grateful for the mending of my relationship with my cousin Maryann.

My older sisters, they always were my protector when I was a little girl; without them, I felt lost and scared.

 My brother, he started to come around; he took in our Aunt who couldn't live alone any longer.  He is now a Care Giver; I know his pains.

Every one was always here to help in the way that they could, not the way I wanted them to; each of my family members mourned the loss of our mother; I was too wrapped up in myself to see their pain.

I felt really bad about how things were in my life.  I became depressed.

Depression: the 4th stage of grieving.  

I didn't have thoughts of suicide, but I did think about how much better it would be if I just dropped dead.  I was freaking out over the fact that I crossed the line that I vowed to never cross; wiping my mother's ass.  I cried and became more and more depressed.  Everything bothered me... EVERYTHING.  The more upset and bothered I was, my thoughts became more troublesome.  I cried a lot.  I couldn't cope with the pressure of care giving and living with my Mother-in-law.

I reached out to my Spiritual Teacher, Prema Baba Swamiji.  I told him my story and how I just couldn't get myself out of the hole that I had found myself in.  He offered advice.

I began to do deep breathing exercises in order to calm myself.  I re-remembered how to change my life and that I hold the power within myself to overcome all trouble.  I re-remembered that I CAN CREATE MAGIC in my life through the power of my mind.

I changed my mind.  I am creating magic.

My mom was still pooping and peeing everywhere.  Crying was making me feel worse; I chose to dry up the tears and suck it up.  Instead, I bought a box of disposable rubber gloves, lots of paper towels and when a mess occurs, I clean it.

Acceptance, the final stage of grieving.

Today, I accept what's happening and magically peace is finding it's way back into my life.  There's nothing that I can do to change history, I can only focus on what I'm going to do right now that will make a difference in my happiness tomorrow.  I know that I control my happiness.

I hold the power to forgive and forget.  

It's up to me and you to forgive and forget, move on, step up and apologize to someone that we're feuding with even if we believe we are right.  Being right doesn't make you feel good when you are alone and right.

People matter...people in our lives makes us happy.

We need each other, especially our family; call them, forgive and forget.  You will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted.  There are still years of opportunities to make new memories with your family, memories that could help you overcome your own dementia someday.

Forgive, forget and move on, there's lots of life left for us Care Givers once our loved ones pass. 

Today, I feel free and my mom's still alive.  

I've gone through my grieving over my mom according to Dr. Kubler-Ross' theory.  In my opinion, her theory is a good one, I have moved through all phases.  Some folks don't go through all stages of grief; I did so I thought I'd write about my trip through the 5 stages of grief... I feel free.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD was a Swiss born Psychiatrist, she lived from 1926 - 2004.  Dr. Kubler-Ross, when she was doing her psychiatric residency in 1958 realized that the terminally ill needed different care.  She wrote a book in 1969, "On Death and Dying."  The book became a best seller with medical professionals learning the Kubler-Ross Model which outlined 5 stages of grief.

Sue's Good Ole' Boston Baked Beans

Sue's Good Ole' Boston Baked Beans
(Meatless)

It's Saturday and when I was a kid, Saturday was baked beans and hot dogs for dinner.

I grew to love baked beans;  Dad told me that they were "cowboy beans."

I loved cowboys thanks to Rex Trailer, a real cowboy who was a local TV personality in the 60's.  It was a kids show on both Saturday and Sunday morning.  Rex and Pablo were cool and I wanted to be like them so I ate beans.

Here's a recipe that I made up yesterday.  The beans came out really great cooked in a dutch casserole in the oven.

4 cups of organic dry beans (any beans will do, navy beans are traditional)
1 large onion diced
4 Tablespoons of organic molasses
1 teaspoon dry mustard
3/4 cup organic ketchup (Muir makes a good ketchup - get a ketchup that has only tomatoes as the ingredients)
2 Tablespoons organic Worcestershire Sauce
1/4 cup Organic dark Agave Nectar
1 teaspoon Turmeric
Sea salt and pepper to taste

Instructions

Soak the beans in a lot of cold water (6 - 8 cups) for a few hours in a big sauce pan.  Start this early, this is a slow cooking recipe that is well worth the time.

After about 3 or 4 hours, turn the heat on under the beans and let them cook until they are soft.  This is an important step, nothing worse than a hard bean that looks like it should be soft.

The water will absorb into the beans.  Transfer the beans with any remaining liquid into a large Dutch Oven pot.  Mix in all the ingredients listed.  Put the lid on the Dutch Oven and let it cook in a 325 degree oven for 3-4 hours.  Stir occasionally; adding more water as needed so that the beans don't become dry and hard.

Why Unions Are Important

I really need to understand why the folks who would benefit the most from Unions are the same people that are fighting to have Unions dismantled in the public sector.

Do people realize that it's because of Unions that we have 40 hour work weeks, benefits like health insurance and sick days?

Unions in the public sector set the stage for all workers, even those folks who work for a corporation.  Unions are the backbone of the Middle Class, they help give workers bargaining power; unions level the playing field.

Union busting has been on the forefront of Republican politicians for decades.  Why?  Because Unions are not good for a businesses bottom line; profit is king, it's all that matters.

People don't matter to corporations.  Even though a business entity in the US have the same rights as people, they don't have emotions like people.  Corporations have a fiduciary responsibility to their stock holders, not the people who show up to work every day and make it happen.  Business doesn't care, it's not in the design of the laws for business to give a crap about you or me.

We are left feeling like poo if we work 9 AM to 5 PM.  An unspoken requirement to put in 50 or 60 hours a week for no extra cash has been slowly seeping through the private sector.  Folks are required to put in more than 40 hours a week or we run the risk of being laid off.  More and more folks are kept from their families, slaving at a job that they hate just so their families can have a roof over their heads and food on the table.  No longer do people eat dinner together, kids are being short changed... all for the damn mighty dollar that will end up in the pockets of the extremely wealthy.

All the wealth in this country is at the top and regular hard working folks are actually fighting for the wealthy to become more wealthy while making sacrifices; choosing between heat or food.

I just don't get  it.  Where's the logic?  Is everyone insane?

Unions give the middle class a voice, it allows us to bargain for benefits like 40 hour work weeks so that we can spend time with our families, quality time like my parents were allowed when I was a little kid.  Time with ones folks is way more important to a kid than money or things.  I have memories of my dad because he was in a union that bargained for a shorter work week.

Time gives parents opportunities to get to know their kids, guide them and teach them right from wrong.  Isn't this why people have kids in the first place?  Time allows parents to do homework with their kids and show them through example that education is the key to personal freedom.

Today, I feel like my country has gone crazy; everyone seems to be demented, fighting against things that would benefit them personally.

Why not tax the rich and use the money to help build services that will help folks to get out of the hole that they have found themselves trapped inside?

Union busting sucks.  If politicians get their way, we'll all be back to how things were during the Industrial age, when folks worked for peanuts, long hours and poor working conditions.  Slowly, we are all being manipulated by the Corporate Overlords through mass hypnosis implemented by the news media that is owned by the Corporate Overlords.

TV tells us what to believe and people believe it.  Even when the stories change from one station to the next, people still believe the stupid stories.  Morning news shows, it's not news... it's all advertisements, trying to sell us something, working to take our money for some crap that will end up in the trash sooner than later.  Stuff doesn't last... memories last, memories matter.

Yes, I'm ranting.  I'm angry.

I'm mad because our Care Givers don't have unions to back them and fight for their rights.  Do you know that there's a game that agencies play with Care Givers that are caring for our loved ones?  The game is they don't give the care givers 40 hours... know why?  If they don't get 40 hours they are considered part time help and are not required by law to provide benefits.  What the hell?!  Care Givers are paid about $8 bucks an hour and the agencies charge $25 an hour!  How is this fair?  Don't tell me that there's a big cost tied to each worker, there isn't, you don't even give them benefits.

The Care Giver has no paid sick time; they all go to work when they are ill.  I know, I've gotten sick because a Care Giver came to my house when they should have stayed away.

Care Givers are important and deserve to be treated with way more respect.  Care Givers need a union to give them a unified voice.

Unions created the middle class and the American Dream... why on God's good green Earth are regular workers in the middle class believing the drivel on the boob tube?

People... please, WAKE UP and think for yourselves!!!

So... can someone who thinks Unions are bad, can you please explain to me how and why you believe this to be true?

Shot of Whiskey with Ed

My mom hallucinates a lot; mostly about my dead brother, Ed.  I love Ed.  He was a good big brother, even if he did put salt in my eyes when I was a little girl and spilled milk over my head because I wouldn't get out of our dad's recliner; he "hozied" the seat as he ran to the fridge for milk during a commercial break.  I hopped into his seat, full well deserving the glass of milk over the head.  I didn't deserve the salt in my eyes.  He told me to look up, so I did and he sprinkled salt in my eyes... bastard.  But... I still grew up and loved my brother despite his sick humor.

Today, I was able to go along with mom's hallucinations.  The Lithium Orotate is working.  I don't feel high.  I feel calm and all of the pain in my body is gone.  I love this Lithium Orotate.  It's making care giving much more bearable when caring for my mom with Lewy Bodies Dementia.

"Where's Eddie?"  My mom asked.  "He was here a minute ago."

"Oh, he is very busy with all the dead folks in Japan; you know the earthquake and the nuclear meltdown...   He's got to work over time gathering all the souls and bringing them to Heaven.  Dad will be here any minute with Heaven's Bus."  I told her confidently as I prepared to have her take her night time blood pressure medicine.

"Come on, have your medicine.  Drink it down like a shot of whiskey.  (I laugh like I just heard Ed talk to me)  Ha, ha, ha... Ed just told me that he LOVES it when you drink your medicine like a shot of whiskey, he's got a shot too and said, one, two, three... GO!"  I was hoping that my talk about Ed and drinking whiskey together would entice her.  It worked.  Good thing, my mom never drank with Ed but she knew that he drank and smoked.

"Ma... Ed is laughing so hard, he's coughing.  Remember when he used to laugh so hard that he'd choke and cough?"  I said to her, in my attempt to live in her demented world somewhere between life and death.

"Hmmmm.  Who's that on the front porch.  Someone's there."  My mom replied.

"That's got to be one of the folks looking for Dad's bus."  I replied back.

"Where's Eddie?"  My mom asked again.

"He's on the front porch with that soul, he's showing him the back yard where Dad comes with the bus...  Ed told me that he'll see you tomorrow.  He really loved how you did the "shot of whiskey" tonight.  It makes him laugh.  He loves it when you drink the blood pressure medicine fast like a shot of whiskey."  I spoke like I was repeating a real conversation that I had with my dead brother.  My mom believes that I can see him because I am a Swami.  I go with it.

I tucked my mom in and she said to me,

"6, 9, 5... I want to go with him."  She had a beautiful smile on her face.  She mumbled more words that were incomprehensible.  I assured her that she was safe and sound.  I used some hypnosis on her, she was in the right place.  I told her how wonderful Susan is and how much she loves her.  It seemed to work.

Then she said, "I want to go with Ed... Naw... not really, but... well, yes.  I think I do."

Mom's eyes were closed.  She was seeing something in her minds eye.  People were coming, there were people everywhere.  She was trying to tell me about them, but was struggling to find the words to describe what she was seeing.

I pushed the hair behind her ear like she used to do to me and her mom did to her.  "Everything is OK.  You are safe and sound."  I reassured her.  "You can go with Ed when you want, it will be a happy time for you.  You will look like you did when you were 18 and had that little tiny waist."

"Sleep with God, Ma.  I love you."  I said to her as I left her room.

Overcoming Grief

The Re-Enactment of the day that Ed died
white water rafting
June 30, 2001

Grief... we all experience it at one time in our lives.  We are born, we live and we die.  It's the way life works, it's cyclical and there's nothing that we can do to stop the inevitable; death.

It does hurt when someone that we love expires, emotional pain tends to linger.  Grief can take over our lives, bringing more sadness and physical pain.  We can become trapped in a prison within our minds, forgetting that we are still alive.  It's up to us to let the person go, we have the power within our minds.

Life.  It's for the living.  

It's healthy to grieve, but how long is long enough?  Why do we grieve?  Does our ego play a role?  The person we miss is no longer, nothing matters to that person, it only matters to us.  Our ego causes us to focus on our self, after all, we are the only ones that we know truly exists; it's always been about us.  What about me?  We always seem to relate to things in life based on how it will effect us.

As a Care Giver for my mom with a terminal illness, I know that she's going to die.  I'm preparing myself for the day that my mom leaves this Earth.   Happy memories with my mom throughout my life are helping me to let my mom go.

I think about death differently than most, thanks to my father and his infinite wisdom.  My dad taught me at a young age that when we die, it's not the end of our essence.  Life is energy and energy, it can never be destroyed.  Energy is transformed when life ends, it morphs into a new form.

Where did they go?  Where will we go?

Memories and thoughts are real.  We can relive experiences both good and not so good; memories can transport us back in time.  Thoughts propel us into the future, creating more memories.  Memories that last and can bring us back to happier moments in our short lives.

To me, the living people in our lives, matter more than the dead; we still have time to enjoy each others company.  Once we are dead... we're dead.

Our minds can help us to overcome grief, it's how we chose to think about the loss of a loved one that really matters to our personal happiness.

My loved ones who have passed, I believe that they are around me.  Memories keep them alive and well in my heart.  I have learned that the one thing that truly matters is spending time with folks when they are alive, because once someone dies, it's over; no more memories can be created for future recall.

Memories bring peace to the survivors.

I'm a Care Giver.  I have memories that will keep my mom alive long after she's gone.  No regrets.  No reason to cry because the essence that is my mom can not be destroyed.  Just like my grandmother, my dad and my brother... they still exist in my heart, memories keep them alive.

What memories are you making today with the people in your life that you care about?

Lithium Orotate: My First Encounter

Gold panning with Joe and Drew
May 2002

I should have studied to become a Geologist; I love rocks, they fascinate me.  Nuns in Grammar school helped uncover my passion for gems back in the late 60's.  Field trips to local beaches and woodlands piqued my curiosity, precious gems and minerals at my feet.   Identifying stones gave me the sense that I was a scientist; conglomerates were my favorite with granite, sandstone, quartz and mica.

Decades before the internet, I searched and looked for gemstone books in book stores.  Score! I found a book at the Boston Museum of Science gift shop one year, valuable descriptions and sketchy maps that I treasured.  Unfortunately, I lent it out to a friend and she never returned it.  Bummer.

The book was awesome, it provided written descriptions where gems could be found.  I liked to use the book as a starting point for expeditions.  Rock hounding outside in nature looking for gems and minerals is still my favorite hobby.

One day a group of my work friends and I picked a place out of the gem hunters guide; Goshen, Massachusetts.  We set out on a mission to find Goshenite, a gemstone that was originally discovered in this little town, population 99.  Goshenite is beautiful, it's a form of beryl that is clear and white.

Driving out to the western part of the state of Massachusetts, we found the little town of Goshen.  We made our best attempt to follow the brief description that was written in the book, searching for a path that lead into the woods.  We failed.  We continued driving aimlessly, stopping and looking for landmarks that were long gone since the time the book had been written.

Darn!  What were we going to do now?

A fire station seemed to appear out of nowhere.  An old fireman, leaning back on the legs of his small kitchen type chair while smoking a pipe, sat outside the firehouse.  The scene was surreal, similar to the opening to a Twilight Zone episode from the 1960's TV series.

Fearless, we approached the fireman, who listened to us as we explained our reason for being in Goshen.  We were looking for gemstones.  He put his pipe down, let out a happy little giggle and began giving us instructions.

"You see that white house up there on that hill?  You take that road where it forks, there are big white rocks sticking out of the ground... now that's the road you want to take."  He continued, "... you knock on the door on the side and tell (whatever the guys name was, can't remember) that I sent you up to his house and he'll show you where to look for rocks."  The fireman put his pipe back in his mouth without skipping a beat, puffed on his pipe with a peaceful smile on his face and waved goodbye.

We thanked the man and off we drove with picks and shovels in the back of my truck, heading for the little old white farm house at the top of the hill.

The sky began to darken as we drove toward the farm, threatening to burst with heavy rain.  Slowly we drove up the dirt path to the farm, it began to drizzle.  I was beginning to become frightened.  My active imagination was beginning to feel like we were entering a scene of a horror movie or a Twilight Zone episode.  I wanted to turn back but my friends encouraged me to keep going.

"Strength in numbers!"  My friend Cathy exclaimed.  I drove on.

Walking up to the door, we noticed that the farm was in need of repair.  It began to drizzle.  I knocked on the door as instructed and we were greeted by the cutest little old man.  My fears melted away immediately.  He had a bright face with a smile that light up a very overcast day.  He was super friendly, opening his home to my friends and me; strangers.  It felt like we had gone back in time 100 years.

"Come in!  Come in!"  He exclaimed.

After we told him what we were there for, he led us out back, through a cow pasture that was full of holes made by over zealous woodchucks.  Holes that could have broken our ankles if we were not careful where we placed our feet.

The clouds in the sky were threatening, becoming darker, larger drops of rain began to pelt our faces. Our guide wasn't phased by the rain, he led us further into the woods.  Cathy, my dear friend whispered to me, "This is where he pulls out the knife and murders us."  Ah.... no wonder I don't hang with Cathy anymore.

Finally, we arrived at the edge of the cow pasture, along a stream is where we stopped.

"He he he he."  The little old man began, "lots of Geologist have been coming here to research this land.  Right where we are standing, the Geologist worked tirelessly for quite some time.  This is a good place for you to start."

He walked around, looking at the ground; stopping to pick up a stone that he held up for us to see.

"You see this rock here?  It's the mineral Lithium, like they give folks with mental troubles.  You can suck on the rock."  He said to us as he held a dirty rock between his dirt stained fingers.

Immediately, we all began looking for a piece of lithium; we figured what the hell, we washed the stone in the stream and popped it into our mouths like a piece of hard candy.  We had hopes that we'd become as happy as the only two people we had met in town.

The rain began coming down harder.  "I'll leave you girls to your digging.  Come knock on my door when you are leaving, I will show you my collection and make you a cup of cocoa.  I'll heat the stove so that you can all get warm before your long drive home."   He laughed a soft happy laugh as he walked back through the cow pasture to his humble farm house.

Each of us took a spot and we began our search for Goshenite, a beautiful prize for our efforts.  Rocks with lithium in them were everywhere, we found ourselves laughing like the little old man.  Was it psychosomatic?  Was it real?  We didn't know but we stayed in the pouring rain, we laughed and dug for minerals.  It was loads of fun, we all did feel peaceful that day, even in a torrential rain storm.

Darkness was beginning to set in, my friends and I headed back to the farm house where we were greeted with a hot cup of cocoa and a dry place to sit next to the heated wood oven.  Our friend made good on his promise and pulled out a box full of precious gems that he had found on his property over the decades of his life.  I have never seen such an awesome rock collection, EVER.

Years have passed since my first experience with Lithium Orotate in its natural form.  My mom now takes 20 mg of a Lithium Orotate supplement to help improve her mood and disposition.  Dementia confusion and associated anger have seemed to dissipate.  It's working.

Yesterday, I asked our ND if I could take some Lithium Orotate to help me with the stress of Care Giving.  He said yes, so I took 20 mg last night before bed.  I had aches and pains everywhere.  I woke up without any pain in my body.  It seems to be working for me too.

**NOTE: ** I wouldn't recommend taking Lithium Orotate without talking to a Naturopath Doctor.  It does matter if you are taking Ace Inhibitors or Beta Blockers.  Even though this is a non-toxic version of Lithium, it needs to be taken with care and under the supervision of a professional.   It is safer than the pharmaceutical version but it can also cause your body harm if not taken correctly.