Disclaimer

I am not a doctor. I am providing information based on experiences that my mom has with natural remedies. The purpose of this blog is to help folks to educate themselves. Use this information with your own discernment.

10 January 2013

Regrets, I've Had a Few...

Mom, loving her baby
December 2012

Andy Williams was one of the singers my parents enjoyed, crooning words to songs that haunt me today.  “My Way,”  I can still hear my dad singing it in his melodic voice.  My mind wanders as I remember the words.

"Regrets, I've had a few…”

This morning this song popped in my head, “My Way” by Andy Williams.  I thought of my mom and how much I will miss her when she dies.

I already miss her, my mom... the woman I would sit and watch sitcoms and laugh out loud. I miss my mom's sense of humor. I miss her so much.  I miss her mind going in the gutter and her sinister laugh.

I didn’t appreciate my mom when I had the chance.  I remember when my mom made me crazy. I can remember secretly wishing her dead so many times.

“Susie, you will miss me when I am gone. Watch it!”   Mom warned,

”No I won’t!”  I demanded in response.

Mom was right.

I miss her and she isn't even dead yet.

I wish I were nicer to her when she was mentally sound.

I missed out on knowing an amazing woman because I felt smothered by her love. Her love repelled me.  I wanted to be my own person and my mom had no place in my new world.

Oh how I wish I could be smothered by my mom's love again.

I wish I could get this message to all young women everywhere who feel their mothers are a pain in their fannies.

I am speaking from the experience of the school of hard knocks.  You will miss your mom, trust me.  If I could only turn back 30 years and be a better friend for my mom.  I missed my chance.  If your mom is still alive, it is not too late.  Call her.  Love her.  

As for my mom, she took a sudden turn for the worst over Christmas.  She’s back in hospice.   I think this is it; I don’t see her rebounding like she has in the past.  She had two awesome months on Lysine.  My mom knows who I am, she knows that I am her daughter; she tells me she loves me often.   I am grateful.

Today, because of Lysine, my mom can tell me clearly what is wrong and where she has pain.  Lysine is working.  My mom’s body is failing.

Mom put up a good fight and lived life her way.  

6 comments:

  1. After following the journey you and your mom have been on for the last couple of years, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she once again beats the odds and rebounds. She has done it before. In my mind, your mom has come to be synonymous with survivor. Don't waste time being regretful of the things you did or didn't do in the past. You have had a unique opportunity with your mom to be with her at her high points as well as her low points throughout this struggle. Mothers love their children unconditionally, and whether she remembers everything exactly the way it happened or not, she still loves her daughter. I have no doubt of this, all I have to do is look at her warm and loving expression as she holds her baby. In her mind, somewhere very deep perhaps, she is still giving her all to her baby....and that baby represents all of her babies especially the one who has taken care of her in her last years. You have given your mom the best possible gift. You have returned her love in positive and caring ways. And a part of her knows that even when things were hardest between you, her daughter kept on loving her as she kept on loving you. It's what moms and daughters do.

    You are very fortunate to have her with you still.

    Take care, my friend. Just remember love never goes away completely....it lives in the heart.

    Hugs

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  2. Sue,

    I think we can all say we wish we had done some things differently with loved ones, whether we are the child or the parent.
    Focus on the good times and memories that you have. The lessons learned and the examples taught.

    I tend to think like Melodee, Lewy has it's up and downs. Its downward GForce spirals and it's huge, "Have you been faking?" improvements. I recall a couple times you have shared that experience about your mother.

    But whatever the good Lord has in store, you have done so much to care and advocate for her. You remember that because there should be no regrets about it.
    You are a wonderful daughter.

    {{{BIG HUGS}}}

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  3. Sheri, Melodee and Kathy... Thank you for your kind words. I did do everything I could for my mom with what I had available to me at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20 and yes, we could always do something better. Lessons I have learned as a caregiver; we can always be nicer to our fellow humans and love can heal all troubles of the heart.

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  4. i am so sorry to hear this... you almost made me cry. calling my mom today.

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