My Family, Together Again

Ma holds my hand

"Where is everyone?!" My mom cried one day while I visited a couple weeks ago.  She was laying in bed, eyes closed, calling for her children and grandchildren; tears rolled down her cheeks.  My mom's sadness broke my heart.

Like a shot, I suddenly felt that resenting my family was not serving me or my mom.  Ego filled with negative emotion was my personal enemy which fueled resentment that built upon itself.  I spiraled into my own abyss of self pity.  I felt a painful loneliness that was dark and scary.  I had to get out of this place I found myself.  I needed to be free from my self-inflicted bondage.  How? I needed to change me, the only person on the planet that I can control.

I made a conscious effort and turned to the power of love.  I got over myself.  Focusing on my mom, I quickly realized that Ma wasn't going to leave this life until she knew everyone was OK, that her family was together again.

I forgave everyone, including myself.  I began a refreshing new approach to life; live every day from a place of love.

Love is peace.

Everyone that my mom called out for visited.  Lives put on hold to travel long distances, lifted the cloud that seemed to be hanging over Ma's heart.  She began to smile.  She was happy to see her children and grandchildren.

Donna with Ma 

Drew and Gram

Marty walks with Ma

Joe and Melinda introduces Gram to her Great Granddaughter

Gram telling Joe what she wanted to tell him.  Unfortunately, it was gibberish.  Joe said, "OK."

Ann helps Ma drink. 

Ann and Me, together again.  Ma was happy.

Ma after her nap, happily talking about her family visitors.

Ma is happy.  She saw everyone.  

Pictures Tell the Story

Mom with Drew when he first arrived.  She was delighted to see him .  She head butted him and held his hands.
The room was filled with love.

Gram with Drew mid-way through a walk.
Look at those smiles!

Peaceful and ready for a rest with her baby, Gram knows Drew won't be alone now that he has Jenn.

Regrets, I've Had a Few...

Mom, loving her baby
December 2012

Andy Williams was one of the singers my parents enjoyed, crooning words to songs that haunt me today.  “My Way,”  I can still hear my dad singing it in his melodic voice.  My mind wanders as I remember the words.

"Regrets, I've had a few…”

This morning this song popped in my head, “My Way” by Andy Williams.  I thought of my mom and how much I will miss her when she dies.

I already miss her, my mom... the woman I would sit and watch sitcoms and laugh out loud. I miss my mom's sense of humor. I miss her so much.  I miss her mind going in the gutter and her sinister laugh.

I didn’t appreciate my mom when I had the chance.  I remember when my mom made me crazy. I can remember secretly wishing her dead so many times.

“Susie, you will miss me when I am gone. Watch it!”   Mom warned,

”No I won’t!”  I demanded in response.

Mom was right.

I miss her and she isn't even dead yet.

I wish I were nicer to her when she was mentally sound.

I missed out on knowing an amazing woman because I felt smothered by her love. Her love repelled me.  I wanted to be my own person and my mom had no place in my new world.

Oh how I wish I could be smothered by my mom's love again.

I wish I could get this message to all young women everywhere who feel their mothers are a pain in their fannies.

I am speaking from the experience of the school of hard knocks.  You will miss your mom, trust me.  If I could only turn back 30 years and be a better friend for my mom.  I missed my chance.  If your mom is still alive, it is not too late.  Call her.  Love her.  

As for my mom, she took a sudden turn for the worst over Christmas.  She’s back in hospice.   I think this is it; I don’t see her rebounding like she has in the past.  She had two awesome months on Lysine.  My mom knows who I am, she knows that I am her daughter; she tells me she loves me often.   I am grateful.

Today, because of Lysine, my mom can tell me clearly what is wrong and where she has pain.  Lysine is working.  My mom’s body is failing.

Mom put up a good fight and lived life her way.